Ten Amazing Beaches on Oahu

Okay folks, remember my Hawaii series? It's finally happening! I'm going to write all about Hawaii. Today's topic is about beaching. I'm going to tell you about ten of my very favorite beaches on Oahu (and why) in no particular order (because all of Oahu is amazing, and every beach is my favorite). Remember, I've lived on Oahu twice, and for only 3-4 months at a time during the summer months. I LOVE it there, but I'm definitely no expert. These beaches are just some of my personal favorites.

10. Iroquois Point. I am partial to this beach because it is the beach right by where I lived two years ago. It's located on the south end of the island in Ewa Beach. It was well within walking distance from our townhouse, and it had lots of great amenities. I love that there are volleyball nets, pergolas, and beach chairs all already on the beach. This beach isn't my favorite for swimming because of heavy rocks and debris in the water, but it is one of my favorites for the cool things you can see. Iroquois Point is in a unique location, at the mouth of Pearl Harbor, and submarines, jets, and commercial airplanes pass by on a regular basis. From this beach, you can watch planes land at Honolulu International Airport, and you can also find random creatures on the shore. One day, my sister-in-law Alex and I saw a seal swim right up on shore, take a short break, and then swim away again. This is a cool beach to visit if you get a chance. This is NOT located near a bus stop, despite what people may say. It's a 2.5 mile walk from the North Road stop.

9. Shark's Cove. People are going to tell you about places to go snorkeling in Hawaii, but if they tell you to go to Hanauma Bay and don't mention Shark's Cove, they don't know what they're talking about. (Spoiler Alert: Hanauma Bay is overcrowded with tourists and is where I saw my first dead body...) Shark's Cove is located on the north shore of the island in Pupukea near a grocery store and across the street from Shark's Cove Grill (which serves DELICIOUS food, by the way). Despite the ominous name, I've never seen sharks at this location. This is, however, the perfect place to see a variety of brightly colored fish. Some people even SCUBA here, but I'm still too chicken to try that. Get there early to avoid crowds. Shark's Cove is located on the bus line.

8. Waikiki Beach. Everybody goes to this beach. It's the one in all the movies. Waikiki beach actually reminds me a lot of The Strip in Las Vegas. It's shiny and beautiful from afar but raunchy and drunk once you get closer. If you must visit this beach, don't do it on a weekend. Honestly, every day is busy down here, but if you're visiting when it's not peak season, it shouldn't be too crowded. Normally, however, finding a place to put your towel is a chore. There are many amenities provided here, which is probably why tourists like it so much. You can rent a surf board, stand up paddle board, boogie board, or get lessons for any of them. This beach is also located across the street from many high-end stores, so you can go shopping when your slippers (flip-flops) break. If you're on the bus, Waikiki Beach has many stops (because it's such a long strip of beach), but if you wait until you're nearer to the zoo, you'll have an easier time finding a less crowded part of the beach.

7. Waimea Bay. This beach rocks for a myriad of reasons, but mostly because of its rock. There is literally a giant rock located in this placid bay, and it's crazy fun to jump from. I'm sure people get hurt jumping here, but I've never actually seen that happen (and I've been there and jumped several times). Rumor has it that during the winter the waves here are phenomenal and that this is the location of multiple surf competitions during the winter months. I haven't seen that for myself, but I have played at this beach many times during the summer. There's also an expensive hike you can take in the canyon behind this beach, if you'd like to see a waterfall and swim in fresh water. Some people like that, but I think the bay is the best part. Waimea Bay is on the bus line (and parking there is atrocious, so the bus is the way to go if you can).

6. Pipeline/Sunset Beach. These two go together because (as far as I know) they are next door to each other and are nearly indistinguishable from one another. This beach is located on the north shore, east of Shark's Cove, and is one of my favorites. Even during the summer, the waves here are crazy high and will pound you into the sand if you're not careful. Obviously, during the winter this is where many surf competitions happen because of the famously high waves. This beach is good for swimming during the summer (if you're careful) and is great for watching the sunset during any season. As cliche as it sounds, there's a likely chance you will hear a ukelele playing while you're on this beach, just because you're in Hawaii and that's how it goes. Pipeline/Sunset Beach is on the bus line.

5. Kailua. Kailua Beach is located on the east side of the island in a rich area and has some of the most gorgeous scenery I have ever seen. People often have weddings right on the beach here because of the beauty. The white sandy beaches and turquoise water are a perfect combination. I've only been here once or twice, but I'll never forget the beauty. I'm fairly positive Kailua Beach is not on the bus line.

4. Waimanalo. Don't worry, but this is where Alex and I saw a shark. I'm pretty sure it was just a little reef shark, but it was swimming in a wave behind us and I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't scared anyway! Waimanalo is located just south of Kailua and also offers lovely scenery. Lots of people do professional photos from this beach, and it is not located near the bus line (but it's totally worth the hike).

3. Electric Beach/Tracks Beach. It's usually locals who call this beach Tracks Beach and it's usually tourists who I've heard call it Electric Beach, but it is the same either way. This beach is located on the west side of the island, just north of Ko'olina, and is across the street from the electric plant. (You'll know the power plant when you see it.) There are train tracks that you have to cross to get to this beach, which is why it's sometimes called Tracks Beach. Pictures you take on this beach are really cool because of the dry mountains and the smoke stacks in the background. There is a pipe that leads from the electric plant out into the ocean, attracting all kinds of wildlife. This is a popular spot to see whales during their migration season in the winter months and porpoises (dolphins) year-round. Seals frequent this beach as well, and so do sea turtles. The swimming would be great at this beach because of the size of the waves, but there are lots of big rocks in the water, making swimming painful. Many people snorkel and SCUBA in this area, and there's rumor of a Tiger Shark who frequents this area, probably preying on the wildlife that's attracted to the hot water pipe. Be careful, as always! This beach is located on the bus line. If riding the bus, get off at the power plant.

2. Dillingham Airfield. This is the place to see turtles! There's a popular beach for turtles closer to Shark's Cove that is also great, but this one is secluded (because no one knows about it) and still full of turtles! Dillingham Airfield isn't exactly the beach's name, but the beach is located across the street from the airfield. This is where people skydive on Oahu, and the parking lot isn't super close to where you'll actually see the turtles. You have to hike east and travel across a field and hill to get to the right spot. But if you can find it, this beach is perfect for sitting on and watching turtles. Remember that sea turtles are protected and should never be touched. If you see one in the water or on the beach, make sure you give it space to do its own thing. Honestly, I don't think this beach is on the bus line, but I'm not sure. It's on the north shore of the island but is almost as far west as you can go before the road ends.

1. Pounders Beach. This is my favorite beach on the whole entire island, located in Laie on the northeast side of the island. The waves here are spectacular. This is the best place to body surf on the island (in my opinion). There isn't debris hitting your ankles, there are lots of other people there (but not too many, because it's on the north shore), and the area is gorgeous. My one complaint about my favorite beach is that I always seem to get stung by Portuguese man-of-wars while swimming here. A Portuguese man-of-war is kind of like a tiny dark blue jellyfish, and it has tentacles that sting you when they touch you. I hear that they can grow to be quite large, but the ones on Pounders Beach are typically small. In any case, they're painful and can ruin a beach day really quickly. If you scope out the beach ahead of time and check out the sand to see if there are any tiny jelly-filled-creatures, you'll be able to determine your chances of being stung (and they CAN sting you while on the beach, so tread lightly). As far as I know, the tentacles on the little guys aren't going to kill you or anything, but they leave red bumps where they touch you, and they manage to sting and itch at the same time. Your skin will feel hot (because it's been POISONED), but it goes away within a few hours to a couple of days. Other than the stupid man-of-wars, I think that Pounders Beach is the best beach in all of Oahu. There's even a bus stop right at the beach, so you don't have to walk far to see this cool place.

I hope you've enjoyed the first installation of my Hawaii Series. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't totally homesick for the island, but what can you do? Maybe the money fairy will visit me soon and I'll be able to visit again. My love affair with Hawaii is intense and will never end.

Have you visited an awesome beach you want to tell me about? Have you been to Oahu and seen another beach that should be on this list? Let me know in the comments, and I'll add others if I agree with you!

Forgetting about the Two-Week-Wait

Oh, friends, this is my favorite time of the month. This time of the month is so full of hope. It's so full of potential. Anything can happen, at this point. I've done everything I can to cook up a baby, and now I have a chance to relax and let it marinade in water and prenatals for the next couple of weeks while I wait for a missed period. Ah, this is the life. ;) If you would have told me five years ago that this would be my life, I would have laughed. I would have told you that I went to college for a reason and that I would surely have written a book at least by now. But alas, my book is still in the planning stages, and is turning into multiple books the more I look at it. My life is so transformed it's nearly unrecognizable from what it once was. But it's totally in a good way, and that's not the point today.

 

This time of the month is also my least favorite. I have zero control anymore. I can't try any harder to make a baby stick. I can't take any special medications or do any crazy exercises or anything else in hopes that a baby will head my way. I'm helpless. I'm staring at the calendar, praying, calculating due dates, and doing my very best yoga breathing in hopes that all of this positive energy will focus into my uterus and make some magic happen. I have a love/hate relationship with the infamous two-week-wait.

What's a two-week-wait, you say? Well, it's the weeks following ovulation when you can only wait to see that magnificent second line appear on a pregnancy test. Of course, you can't take the tests at this point, because it's far too early to detect any HCG anyway, and it wouldn't make any sense to be crushed when it's impossible to know anyway. So, we wait, vacillating between blind faith and the possibility of failure. It's a complicated dance.

If you're in my boat and need some suggestions to keep your mind off of the calendar during your two-week-wait, you're in luck! I've got several suggestions for you:

1. Travel. There's no easier way to lose track of time than to travel. The farther away, the better. If you can go off the grid and enjoy an electronics-free vacation, do it. You probably won't be harassed by well-meaning relatives and you'll get so lost in enjoying yourself that you won't have time to think about being stressed.

2. Media. If you're a reader like me, visit your local library and stock up. I can go through novels quickly, so I would probably invest in 10-15 books for this waiting period. If you're not a book lover, no worries! Find a series you love on Netflix and go crazy! I've been using this method for the past eight months, and I've seen some great shows. I personally loved Gossip Girl, Missing, Arrested Development, The Office, Parks & Recreation, How I Met Your Mother, New Girl, 30 Rock, and many others. I just started watching Breaking Bad tonight, and I'm already hooked after the first episode.

3. Grow something! Okay, this works for surviving infertility in general, but it definitely applies to this portion of it. Go plant a garden. Water it. Weed it, as needed. And watch that soil grow something. Fruits, vegetables, flowers, whatever, just plant it. You will be surprised at how therapeutic it is to remember that you can grow something, even if your body isn't where that something is growing. You'll feel more fertile and accomplished after a month of gardening than you'd think. Try it and find out!

4. Meditate. I am terrible at incorporating this one, but I've read from reputable sources that deep breathing boosts fertility. I took a semester-long Yoga course in 2010 and remember feeling so good after class each day. I'm going to start trying this one tonight when I go to bed. Deep breathing is so great anyway, as it clears your mind and supplies your brain with additional oxygen. It boosts your thinking and makes you feel better. If you're not sure how to do yoga breathing properly, look it up on YouTube, and I'm sure there are tutorial videos. If it's causing a loud sound from the back of your throat, you're probably doing it right.

5. Laugh. Do you have a friend who keeps you giggling all the time? Do you have a movie or TV show that always cracks you up? Now is a good time to revisit them. If you're laughing, you're happy. If you're happy, you aren't stressed out. And if you're anything like me, this two-week-wait sure can be stressful since you have no control anymore. Bring some humor into your life during this time. I promise you won't regret it.

That's all I've got for now, but if you need more ideas, let me know! I can help you out. With 2.5 years of this under my belt, I by no means consider myself a pro, but I'm happy to share what I do know. Do you have any additional ideas? Leave me a comment; I'd love to hear them!

Happy two-week-wait! And may the odds be ever in your favor!

Love is All You Need

Hi, world. As you may remember from a previous post, I've been reading a lot lately. Getting lost in fiction has helped me endure so many trials in my life that I'm honestly surprised I'd forgotten about it in the midst of my troubles. This week I read "Eleanor and Park," a love story about misfits and how their teenage romance is so much more than just a crush--it's their anchor during their tumultuous lives at home. The novel was great. There was cussing, but that doesn't really bother me. What really spoke to me was how ugly this girl's home life was and how her budding romance helped her cope. I've been there, girlfriend. Maybe not the same circumstances (okay, definitely NOT the same), but ugly and unstable nonetheless.

Sometimes I need love to help me cope too, in my current times. My doctor's appointment on Monday wasn't great. We had one good, mature egg, but we had been hoping for two. We need as many chances as we can get at this point for successful conception, and only having one egg to work with (when we haven't figured out what the problem is, exactly) makes it tougher for us to feel like maybe this will be the month. My doctor wrote me another prescription--a stronger prescription--of clomid for next month (making me feel double bad because that made me suspect he doesn't expect us to succeed this month). So, that was lame.

Because I have "unexplained" infertility, I still really have no answers. We aren't sure why my husband's healthy sperm and my healthy eggs aren't making the connection, and doctors are just as stumped as we are. It's really frustrating and was my biggest fear about going to a specialist. All I want is answers, but no one seems to have any. Maybe my egg will be super receptive this month and will work for some reason. My uterine lining is thick (sorry if that's TMI), meaning my progesterone levels are probably higher this month, so anything could happen. I'm cautiously optimistic, as I've taught myself to be after so many months of disappointment.

My point to this post is really to say that my Josh is my rock, and I am so grateful that I'm taking this journey with him. On our way to Island Park on Monday, we talked about fears and regrets and our worries, and it helped me remember how wonderful he truly is. I am so glad that I married the best guy I ever dated. The guy who opened doors for me and just LISTENED when I needed to talk. The guy who took me on adventures and was so passionate about me that I couldn't believe it. The guy who LITERALLY ended up I the ER one night after trying to impress me when we worked out together at the gym. That one. How did stupid, 19-year-old me know that he was absolutely perfect for me? How could I have known that five years later we would still be joking and laughing in bed until the wee hours of the morning and worrying more about each other than we do for ourselves? How could I possibly have been so wise? Because with all the doubts I have about decisions I have made, I never regret jumping feet first into love with my honey. I'm so content in my knowledge that even if Josh and I never end up with children for whatever reason, I'll still be with my perfect man who makes me happier than any other man ever could. That's really what I want to say today. He's great. As we figure out what's going on with us, I am so grateful he is by my side.

Autumn Love

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With August here, my favorite time of the year is finally coming: autumn! It really is the greatest. I love that it's still warm during the days but cool at night. I love that the leaves change colors and that I can dress in layers. I love the back to school sales and the smell of possibility contained in fresh notebooks (college ruled, the only way to go). I love the heavenly aroma of apple cider simmering on the stove, wafting scents of clove, cinnamon, and apple throughout my home. That smell is home. I love gray, rainy days and the leather boots that keep my feet warm and dry. I love wearing jackets and scarves and trying out the newest styles. During the years that I teach, I love decorating the classroom. I love creating name tags and organizing school supplies. I love memorizing the names on the class list so that I'll be able to remember them once I've put faces to them. During the years that I'm in school, I love preparing for the first day. I love buying new textbooks and backpacks. I love the blank slate that I'm given at the beginning of each semester, with the firm knowledge that I already have 100% in every class. I love my birthday and Halloween and Thanksgiving. I love every season, but fall really is my favorite!

Five years ago, when Josh and I were just dating, we started to get serious in the fall. Once, we went on a double date with his cousin and his now wife. We packed up a mattress in the back of another friend's truck and drove up the canyon in the early fall. We dragged the mattress and some blankets out to the edge of a reservoir and the four of us snuggled up with our significant others on the mattress. It was late at night, and we all quickly fell asleep. When I awoke, Joshua was lying next to me with his eyes open, staring up at the starry sky above us, and I asked him what he was doing. He said he had been listening to the coyotes howling around us. We stayed there, cuddled up, listening to coyotes and the gentle waves lapping the shore for a while longer and then packed up our things and drove back to our homes. To date, I feel like that was probably one of my favorite dates we ever went on.

This year, my awesome sister-in-law bought me tickets to come and see her in Maryland in September, so I'm going to get to experience that for a week too! The east coast is gorgeous in the fall. When I was back there two years ago, (time really flies!) the trees and wildlife in the area were my very favorite. My sister Alex and I would take the kids for walks every day so that we could be in the fresh air and sunshine with the boys. I can't wait to see Alex and Amanda and the boys! Hey world, in case you were wondering, this is exactly what I needed! I've been craving a vacation with friends, and I've been needing a change of scenery to keep my mind off of my own worries. This is perfect. I hope everyone gets the chance one day to have a great sister-in-law like mine who just knows when I need to come and see her. I am so so grateful for my friendship with that crazy, beautiful girl.

Fall doesn't always bring good things, but I always feel like it's a fresh start with the beginning of the school year. This is the first year in a long time that I am neither in school nor planning on attending, and I'm not sure if I'll be able to stick it out. Honestly, whether teaching or learning, school is one of my most favorite places in the world, and autumn is my favorite time to be there.

I'm excited about fall, but what are you excited about today? Comment! Let's talk about it!

All About Suicide

Three friends of my friends have killed themselves in the last week (that I know of). I didn't know any of these individuals personally, but my Facebook feed has been blowing up with statuses about them, and I can't help but wonder if nobody ever told them that they could make a different choice? I mean, I get it. I understand depression. We all get it. We all have struggles. Every person in this life goes through issues and has to resolve tough conflicts. And I would be lying if I said I had never thought that maybe it would just be better for it to end. But I stuck it out, and it gets better, I promise. If you're feeling low (or want to know what to say to someone who is), then read on.

1. You are not alone. I promise. Whatever struggle you're going through, someone has gone through that same struggle. No one will ever have your exact same circumstances, but people have been in your shoes. Your pain may be great, but remember that people do get through it. If you don't believe me, find a support group. You'll find people just like you who have gone through similar situations. Even if nobody else has? You know who always has? You guessed it: Jesus. (See my Easter post if you want to read about my great Jesus epiphany.) You can always find comfort in prayer, even if your situation doesn't immediately change. If you still feel alone sometimes, that's okay. Just remember that you really aren't.

2. This is temporary. This is the hardest one for me to remember when I'm going through hard times. One of the biggest struggles with infertility is the fact that trying to get pregnant can go on for the rest of my reproductive life. I have an aunt who tried to conceive for ten years before adopting her son. But it's daunting to think of it that way. Don't do that to yourself. If you feel that your current struggles are never going to end, it's not true. High school ends at graduation. Seasons transition. Jobs change. Injured hearts heal. The emotional turmoil of being a victim fades with time. Even PTSD lessens as time goes on. This current, temporary stage where you are right now won't last forever. It might seem like it right now, but eventually this part will end. Don't make a permanent decision based on these factors. Because, one day, you're going to feel happy again. You're going to be really glad you're still around. Time will allow that, no matter what. If you stick it out, that is. Because your issues will never be resolved if you don't stick around to see them through.

3. The world would not be better off without  you. I didn't mention death in the last list. When close family members or friends die, you might feel like you will never feel happiness again. That part of the pain is temporary, but you will always feel some grief, just not the way you do right now. Everyone deals with death differently, and I haven't personally lost anyone that close to me yet, but I have felt the pain of grief. You have felt it too. Remember that feeling. That awful realization that you will never see that person again? If you die, that's the same feeling that you will single-handedly cause everyone who knows you. Probably even people who don't really know you but can empathize with your loved ones. Nobody likes that feeling. Don't be a jerk and hurt everyone. Don't deprive this world of your laughter and love and joy that will come again. You don't know what lies in your future if you don't stay until the end. You have great things ahead of you, and you will affect far more people during your time on earth than you will ever know. Don't cut short your potential by ending your life before its time is up.

I used to have a friend in junior high who always talked about killing himself. It was negative attention-seeking behavior, and he may not ever have actually meant it, but I always took the time to talk to him about it anyway. It was exhausting to tell him every single week why his life was worth living, but I did it anyway because I was his friend and I cared about him. I knew he was struggling, so I always made an extra effort to say hi in the hallways and be friendly when he seemed lonely. Most of his depression stemmed back to girl troubles, so I made a point of being friendly with his girlfriend too. They didn't last, but he also didn't kill himself. A few years ago, I met up with this friend, and he thanked me. He told me that he would never forget how I had reached out to him when he was depressed. I know things could have ended differently and that they still wouldn't have been my fault, because this was my friend's decision to make, but I am so glad that I took the time to be his friend anyway. We don't really keep in touch anymore, but I know that he knows he could talk to me about anything and that I would just listen. Be that friend. Everyone needs someone to talk to.

If your friends or loved ones are struggling and they choose to tell you about it, listen. Don't argue or give them advice (unless they ask!), but be there. You can't fix all of your friends' problems, but you can let them know that they are loved and that you'll be there for them when they need you. In reality, people care less about having their problems solved than they do about having someone there for them.

If you're feeling suicidal, get help. Call your parents or a close friend. If you don't feel like you can talk to anyone you know, call a suicide hotline and talk to someone you don't know. Call 1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433) or 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255). Get help! Don't forget that you are loved. You are appreciated. You matter. This feeling is temporary, and it will pass!

#sorryimnotsorry & Meet Clomid

Hi friends. Part of me wants to apologize for my last post, but the other part of me genuinely feels like it's important for the world to see what happens behind closed doors. I hope that doesn't make me selfish. I think that the best part of success is the back story--the struggle--because that's why the success is even worth anything. My children that I have one day are going to know that they are precious, wanted, and beloved. And I honestly feel that the years I have spent waiting for them will be totally worth it one day. So, I hope I didn't offend anyone or hurt any feelings. Because I love you guys all a whole lot, and I'd never want you to feel like you aren't worthy of your happiness, because you are.

I'm over my pity party for now and 3/5 of the way through my Clomid for this month. From all of the potential side effects that Clomid has listed, the only one I'm really experiencing is random hot flashes.  I'm glad that's it, because I was already having a hard enough time this last week. Part of me is even grateful for the hot flashes because I know the Clomid is doing something. I still have to wait another week to even find anything out about it, but I'm stoked to see if it works.

If you're unfamiliar with Clomid, here's how it works: from day 3 through day 7 of your cycle, you take your prescribed dosage. Because this is my first month on it, I am taking the lowest dosage (50 mg). Prescriptions of Clomid start low and go up depending on your body's reaction to it. The hope is that it will stimulate your ovaries into producing more of their regular hormones, potentially causing your body to release more eggs during ovulation. This is where Clomid twins come from. As far as I know, there's about a 20% chance of having twins while on Clomid. The idea of twins freaks me out a little, but I would much rather end up with twins than no baby at all. On day 12 of your cycle, you're supposed to go back in to have an ultrasound with your doctor. I visit a Reproductive Endocrinologist who is a specialist in infertility, but I've heard of regular OBGYNs prescribing Clomid on a pretty regular basis. (If you're going this route, make sure you schedule an ultrasound so you don't end up with a baker's dozen in that oven.) I'll be going in to have my ultrasound for this cycle on August 5th, and at that appointment we will make a game plan for the following month, since we will be able to see what the Clomid has done so far. If my body has released too many eggs (which is indicative of too high of a dosage), I'll have to wait to conceive until next month so that I don't end up with a high-risk pregnancy and all of the other disadvantages of multiples. If my body hasn't released enough eggs (0-1), then I can still try to conceive this month, but it will be less likely to happen. Right now, our ideal number is 1-2 eggs. As usual, I'm guarded but optimistic. So, that's Clomid, in a nutshell.

I just wanted to give the world a little update and let you know I haven't totally gone off the deep end yet. I didn't leave my house for a few days, and I'm binge reading Mindy Kaling and Tina Fey's books, Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? (And Other Concerns) and Bossypants, respectively. These ladies are career-driven, hilarious, normal people who do a great job of distracting me of what's been going on here. My dog, Mollie, has also been a fabulous cuddle-buddy for the past few days, as usual. I totally love having a dog instead of a puppy. She's not hyper anymore, she's trained, and she understands the expectations we have of her in our home. Plus, she sleeps even more than I do. She's kind of perfect. Josh has also been great. I don't think I mentioned it, but he went on a midnight ice cream run for me last week and brought me home cupcakes for breakfast. (Those are my go-to comfort foods.) He's also been really sweet and doesn't mind if I just want to hang out and drive around with him while he's working. He's even humoring me and considering going on a vacation with me in January for our fifth anniversary. (Do it, do it!) Anyway, he's great. Also, I have a fabulous support group made up largely of friends and family members who have been wonderful in letting me know I'm not alone. This struggle feels super lonely at times, but I'm hanging in here (and learning lots about the world of comedy while I'm at it). Thank you to everyone who had a kind word to say and for keeping our little family in your prayers. I'll never know everyone who has prayed for us, but I do feel comforted, and we are continuing to move forward. Wish us luck for this month!

Understanding Infertility: the Shock of Pregnancy

Aunt Flo has been an unwelcome guest in my home once again. I'm horribly frustrated right now, especially because almost every good friend I have is currently expecting. Even friends who said it was my turn next. I guess they're starting to realize that I really can't control the fact that I am not getting pregnant. On the day that my "time of the month" began, I had two very good friends announce pregnancies to me within twenty four hours, and I won't lie--I didn't handle it well. I know I try to be positive on this page, and generally in life, but I'm going to be real today and discuss the raw emotions that come with infertility and how to deal with them. Because I honestly feel like the only thing worse than struggling with infertility is not understanding the struggle behind it.

When you announce to your infertile friends that you are expecting, there is a whirlwind of emotion that you bring. The first thing that pops into my head is complete shock. I know that pregnancy is typically more shocking for the people experiencing it, but I am always caught off guard about the whole pregnancy thing, especially when it's people who say they haven't been trying. Maybe I'll get used to it, but maybe not. It's always completely surprising when I hear the news, and I always have a few milliseconds of panicked shock.

Being caught off guard is really difficult because then I have to deal with all of my emotions that follow very quickly in order to stay friends. I go through the stages of grief because this child (and month) is not mine, and I only have about three seconds to do it: denialangerbargainingdepressionacceptanceCONGRATULATIONS! That's it. That's the time I have. If I am not congratulating and hugging and happy immediately, it's awkward. Because that's the expected response, and even though I am an anomaly, I still need to outwardly maintain my normal. And I really am happy for you. Kind of. But when I disappear for a few days (or weeks or months) don't take it personally. I just need time to deal with your happy news later, on my own terms.

Let's be real now. What happens when I am alone later? I usually cry. I hate talking about this, but your news makes me sad. I will never tell you how much I struggle with your news. How many hours I spend contemplating my own life and my own plans. How much self-assessment I perform in hopes of coming up with a solution to this awful, empty feeling inside my chest. I feel like there must be something I'm doing wrong. There must be something I haven't tried. My body cannot do what yours does so (seemingly) effortlessly. I feel forgotten because God is not allowing me to fulfill this righteous desire. Motherhood happens in all species, all over the world. It is the most natural thing there is. And I can't make it happen for me. I feel like a failure for being unable to achieve this most natural state. And that anger goes in all directions. Even towards me for making you feel guilty about your happiness. I know that you don't want to tell me. I know that you dread it. And even though it's difficult for me to hear, I'm always so glad when you do tell me.

This is kind of how the other night went for us. I'd just heard the second pregnancy announcement, and we'd quickly made our exit. We got in the car and drove for about a half hour in silence. Josh is in an awkward position because he wants to comfort me, but he's also dealing with his own grief, which I will never completely understand either. We are in the same boat, but we are both completely alone. We tried making small talk in the beginning of the drive, but I was in too much shock still. I felt numb and empty. I wanted to be home by myself. I didn't want to talk or see anyone or even think. I just wanted to be alone.

Josh turned on the radio to a station we don't listen to often, and song after song I knew. So I started singing. Imagine Dragons. The White Stripes. Anything and everything to get out this empty, aching sadness that was starting to consume me. My life feels like a giant cycle of grief. Month after month. Pregnancy after pregnancy. The always negative test, announcing "not pregnant" as loud and painful as a blow horn. But I am still so full of hope for next time. Maybe next time will work. Maybe at the next appointment they'll figure out what's really wrong with me. My existence is made up of a string of maybes. And, suddenly, we are at my sister's house, pulling behind her SUV in  her driveway. Her own badge of the children she shuttles back and forth from school to the store and home again. And, just as suddenly, I can't go inside. Through her front window, I see her husband watching TV, and I don't want to talk to anyone. Josh asks if I just want to come home with him, but I can't. I know that there's nothing better for me there than endless hours of meaningless TV and solitude. He asks me how I'm feeling, and I tell him I need to quit. I can't do this anymore. Month after month of heartache is too hard. I tell him I feel lost. I am so lost. I am forgotten and insignificant and lost. God doesn't see me. He doesn't hear me. My happy ending is not coming. I want to disappear. I want to go for a walk and never come back. I want to get lost and leave my phone and all of the worries and cares of the world and just disappear. I understand why people fake their deaths. I want to fly to Hawaii and live on the beach with the meth heads. I think that at some point I even said that I would go and be a meth head. I just have to get out of here. I have to get away from all of these people who want me to be happy and hopeful when I just can't. I just want to sing at the top of my lungs and run faster than I can and make my body hurt as much as my heart does right now at this moment. I used to cut myself when I was in high school and wanted to make my body hurt. I used to have a gym membership in college for when I needed to make my body hurt. And right then, at that moment, I didn't have an outlet for all of the hurt. I needed to hurt so I wouldn't cry. But I did anyway. And Josh cried with me. And we re-re-re-reassessed our options for the millionth time. Of course I didn't want to quit. I want to be a mother more than anything in the world. He told me I could go to Hawaii if I needed to. He said he could figure everything out for us. I think he's scared he's losing me. I think I'm scared of losing me. Eventually that anger turned into "we need to be more aggressive with this," which turned into talk about money. So many couples get pregnant for free. Why should it be so freaking expensive for the rest of us? We've already spent hundreds of dollars, and we still don't have any answers. I still don't feel any closer to figuring all of this out. I guess I need to make money in order to make this happen. I felt resolved with the new determination to be more aggressive with our fertility options, and I went inside.

More or less, this same conversation happens every few months. There are often hours of body-wracking sobs and feeling like a total boob for needing my husband to hold and comfort me while I cry. We often get into arguments that last hours or even days. I'm sad and hurt and feel so much guilt over the years I spent trying not to get pregnant. I feel guilty for the depression that ensues, because I know that nobody is trying to hurt me. I know that if they knew the deep-rooted sadness that consumes me, they would feel guilty and bad about their pregnancy (and probably towards me), and I really believe that every baby is a happy miracle that should be celebrated.

Friends, family, I love you. I love your children. I love that your lives are progressing and that you're having babies and families. And if it can't happen to me right now, I'm so glad it can happen for you. If you give me a few days, I'll be in a better mood and won't have to force my enthusiasm for you because I'll be genuinely excited for you. Because, under these ugly feelings I have right now, I really am so so happy for you.

Every cycle, I have a couple of days when I feel completely hopeless, and then I start right back up to being hopeful again. I'm starting my Clomid today, and maybe that will fix my body this month. Who knows? I'm reserving some skeptical hope for this month and next month and the next. If Clomid doesn't work, we'll move to IUI or IVF. We will keep trying. I always wanted a summer baby, and maybe I'll still get my wish. Because here I am, a couple of days later, feeling kind of better again. I feel hope, and I feel almost worthwhile. I don't feel forgotten the way I did. I know God is still there. I hope he helps me out this month, but I know better than to feel entitled to blessings right now. I'm even excited and happy for my friends. Infertility sucks, but I hope you understand it a little bit better now. I know I don't.