I am a child of God

The LDS temple in Laie, Hawaii on Oahu.

Sunday is my favorite day of the week.


It's a day that I allow myself to rest, meditate, and have lots of long conversations with family. 


Since December of last year, I've also been using Sundays for church. If you know me well, you know that this is a big change from how I used to be, and before I get into the activities of my first Sunday in Hawaii, I'd like to take a second to share my conversion story with you, because it's pretty cool.


I was raised to be a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. If I don't explain anything well enough for you, or you have more questions that I don't answer in my blog, feel free to visit the church's official websites: http://www.lds.org or http://www.mormon.org. You're always welcome to ask me any questions you have about my religion, but please PLEASE remember that I am just one member of this church. I am not a spokesperson, and I certainly am not speaking on behalf of the entire church in anything that I say. This is just my story and my opinions..


I went to church every Sunday, growing up. When I was eight, the age of accountability, I chose to be baptized as a member of the church. That's right, in my church we don't baptize infants, but we baptize eight-year-olds. We do this because we don't believe in original sin. We believe that by the time a child is eight, they are mature enough to know right from wrong and can decide for themselves if they would like to be baptized. Anyway, I was baptized, and we continued going to church for about another year after that. At the end of third grade, we moved about thirty miles north of where we had been living. I'm not sure if distance was the real reason why we stopped going to church, but we did. We went long enough for my little sister to be baptized when she was nine, but we didn't continue going to our church meetings or activities during the week. By the time I turned twelve, I had a lot of questions about church, mortality, and God. My parents didn't have answers, and I didn't have many other resources, so I formed my own beliefs all by myself.


A few months before I turned fifteen, my father got into some legal trouble. In order to avoid going to prison, my father decided that, in addition to getting our entire family counseling, it was time for us to return to church. In short, I was resentful of my father's decision, and I turned my anger toward the church. The only reason why I kept going to church was because I had some really amazing friends who I'd met there. My friends always greeted me with smiles, hugs, and unconditional love. They always made me feel more welcome than I ever felt anywhere else. They were amazing.


When I was nearly seventeen, because of my deteriorating relationship with my father, I moved to Utah to live with my mom and step-dad. At this point, my testimony (what I believe to be true about my church) was very shaky. I was still going back and forth about the existence of God. I continued attending church until I was almost nineteen, but I didn't believe in most of it. 


Then, I took a few years off. I initially planned on using my extra time to meditate, study, and learn the truth for myself. Instead, I grew neutral about religion and spirituality. I decided that there is no way to know for sure in this life, so what was the point of even trying? I stopped attending any church services. I stopped doing the things I had been taught were right. Somehow I ended up with a really amazing husband. He wasn't indifferent to religion, but he was extremely lazy, and he joined me at home most Sundays.


One day in the fall of 2010, I attended church with my in-laws. I was sitting in Relief Society (the class for adult women) and the lesson was about patience. Suddenly, it occurred to me that church is like school for how to be a good person. I realized how arrogant I had been for thinking that I didn't need to learn anything about being a better person. My new question was, "Who doesn't need church?" I'd had this epiphany and told my husband about it, but we didn't act on it. A few weeks later in December, I finally told him that we were going back to church and that was that. Even though my honey had drill the next day for the Army, I went to church by myself anyway. As soon as I got there, I knew I had made the right choice. I felt the spirit so strongly over the course of the next few weeks that I knew I needed to go to the temple. Joshua and I have always been the "go big or go home" type, so with going back to church, we also decided to take Temple Preparation classes so that we could be brought up to speed about temples and ultimately be sealed to each other. 


The sealing ordinance in our church is really cool. This is what sets my religion apart from many others. We believe that after death, we can be reunited with our loved ones who also chose to be sealed. We also conduct sealings in proxy for people who have died. This means that the deceased person we perform the work for can decide on the other side if they choose to accept the work done for them. Anyway, it's awesome because this is how my family can be together again one day. 


On April 28, 2011, Joshua and I were sealed in the Bountiful temple. This means that we are stuck together for an eternity, not just this life. This also means that when we have children, they will already be automatically sealed to us. 


My road back to religion and spirituality was long and full of lots of potholes, but I'm back for good, and I love it. In my next post, I'll talk about how amazing my ward was in Hawaii and why I would go all the way back to Ewa Beach First Ward just to be with them again.

Swap Meets, Waikiki Beach, and a Fun Surprise

By the time Saturday finally rolled around, I felt like I'd been at Diana's house for a year. Alex and I still didn't know how we were getting out, exactly, but we had the entire weekend to brainstorm. On Friday night, before Diana and Christian had gone on a date (and left us home to babysit for an additional four hours), Alex and I had planned to leave the house early with Diana to go to the swap meet. By early, I mean like six thirty in the morning. Diana wanted good deals, and Alex and I wanted to be on the beach early so that we would have lots of time in the sun.

By the time we were supposed to be leaving, however, Alex and I still hadn't managed to drag ourselves out of bed. We were so exhausted from doing EVERYTHING in the house that we just kept right on sleeping. Sometime before seven, Diana came into our room and woke us up, telling us how lazy we were for sleeping so late... I promise, the irony was not lost on me. We threw our stuff together, packing beach gear and clothes for after the beach, and we left.

Leaving Iroquois Point (our gated community) was heaven. Even though it was early, we turned up the music loud and rolled our windows all the way down. That's when it hit me -- maybe Diana felt just as stuck as we did. Maybe that's why she was so belligerent and hostile toward the world. Maybe it was all just about feeling trapped. I stared at her from the backseat of her BMW and wondered why she insisted on having children when that was clearly not making her happy. And then I had an epiphany that was even better: I didn't care. I didn't care why she had chosen to create the life for herself that she had. All I cared about was that she quit making my life a contentious place to be.

Alex, Diana and I shopped the swap meet for about an hour, but the swap meet that Diana had taken us to was not at the Aloha Stadium, so it was small and exactly what we on the mainland would call a "garage sale." I'm not much for shopping the "gently" used items, but Alex was able to find a Power Puff Girls backpack that was really cute. Diana just shopped for her daughter-to-be. I was bored and ready for the beach.

Eventually we finished circling the tents, so Alex and I got some cash from a nearby ATM and then hopped on the bus. We weren't really sure how to get where we were going, but we were so stoked to go! After a $2.50, a few wrong buses, and sweet bus drivers who gave us extra transfers, we finally made it to Waikiki. The only problem was that there was a parade going on down the strip, so Alex and I had to navigate our way to the beach. Luckily we met a sweet local boy, named Jon, who instantly fell in love with Alex and (after exchanging numbers) guided us to the beach across the street.

Waikiki Beach!

Me at Waikiki Beach for the first time! I am pale here, but SO excited!

Waikiki beach surprised me. I normally can't handle tourists, and I like to take the path less traveled while playing tourist, but the camaraderie was so existent between the other beach-goers and me that I didn't mind that I was probably swimming in mostly washed off sunblock and pee. Maybe it was the fact that I was finally getting a break from the crazy contention of Diana's house, or maybe it was just that I was finally around other sane people again, but I felt so freaking happy to be around other people! The waves of Waikiki weren't crazy huge like those of the north shore, but they were fun enough in a tame, wave pool kind of way. The sand (imported from Kawaii, if Google taught me correctly) was hot on the bottoms of my feet, and that heat pulsed through my whole body until I had no choice but to jump into the cool waves. 

After playing at the beach for a few hours, Alex and I went to the mall to change into dry clothes, and Alex surprised me with tickets to the Republik Music Festival! I was so tired from getting up so early and being in the sun and water all day, and it was such a perfect surprise! I didn't know who any of the bands were, but I was so excited to be cultured! There are few things I love more in life than Hawaii and music, and the fact that Alex combined my two loves just proves how awesome of a sister-in-law she is!

You probably can't tell, but there are a TON of people behind us, and we are in the very front row!

We were lucky enough to watch The Throwdowns from Maui, The Green, The Dirty Heads, Rebelution, and Matisyahu. I know most people were there to see Steel Pulse, but by the time they were due to come on, we only had ten minutes to run to the closest bus stop so that we would make it home that night. Am I disappointed we missed Steel Pulse? Heck no. I had so much fun that it didn't matter to me.

Even though emotionally I was going through a lot that week with saying goodbye to Joshua for who knows how long, meeting Diana, and being in a semi-new place, that Saturday was the best. If you want to hear some great island music, check out those bands, and  you will be in heaven.

Risk

Friday morning I awoke earlier than Alex and had the boys downstairs eating oatmeal before she was even out of bed. Even though I had only met Ohlin and Ash the day before, they didn't seem bothered that I was the person to unlock their door and let them out of their bedroom. We ate breakfast and the boys enjoyed their freshly changed diapers. We weren't up for long before Alex joined us, and our morning was spent a lot like the morning before: walking, wading in the ocean, and watching the babies play at the park. While the babies played, Alex and I discussed the progress we'd made the night before in searching for a new home, and we worried about how we would find jobs. I just knew that if I could hold on until the fifteenth, I would be able to do anything we needed with money--I just had to wait.

When we returned home, the boys were hungry and starting to feel tired, so we fed them a snack and turned on some cartoons for them to watch  for a little while. Normally I would NEVER let the TV do my job, but when I am paid $0 to work a 65 hour week, I am willing to slack off a smidge. Diana and Christian were awake anyway, and were welcome to interact with their children if they wanted them doing something else. Alex and I went up to our bedroom and continued our search for new jobs and a new home. We filled out applications for nanny agencies and wrote emails to people with rooms for rent. We saved phone numbers to call after we put the boys to bed (so that Diana wouldn't hear us) and calculated how much we could afford to pay for rent. Our plans to leave were starting to become a reality.

Around 10:00 Alex received a text from Diana, telling her to be in Diana's room in ten minutes. As soon as Alex told me, my stomach dropped and I started feeling sick the way I used to when I would get in trouble as a kid. I couldn't help but wonder what Diana was going to say. All I wanted to say to Diana was that I couldn't stand her and that I wanted out. I wanted to tell her how messed up it is that she misled us with her job description before we had flown to Hawaii. I wanted to tell her her parenting skills were bordering along the lines of neglect. But I sat in my room and waited.

Eventually Diana came out and told me to come into her room. She and Christian sat on their bed, and Alex was sitting on the floor. I joined Alex and looked up at the couple on their bed. Diana was still wearing her pajamas, she hadn't bathed, and her hair was still curly from the beach the day before. Christian had a tired face, but he also had a resolve and confidence that I recognized in myself from when I've stood up for someone. Then they opened their mouths.

Diana began by telling me that she didn't appreciate the way I had undermined her parenting the day before. I expected that. She continued by saying that she is the mom, so she gets to decide what happens to her kids. Even though she wanted Alex and me to raise her children she still wanted to call the shots? I didn't ask. I was angry that someone like foul-mouthed Diana was my "employer" and had any power over me and that she could control my life.

I wanted to tell her off and leave. But I had no money to go home, and I had nowhere else to stay. So I listened. I considered that maybe the way I had said some things were rude. And I said so. But I also told her that as a trained childcare provider with the credentials I have, it would have been morally wrong for me to let her leave her unbuckled two-year-old on the floor of her car. I didn't care what she as a parent did, but I did care about what I as a nanny was asked to do.

I'm not sure she understood, because she then picked my character apart further by informing me that I am "rude" and "unfriendly." Christian told me that I "bring a bad vibe into (their) home." Even though from the time I had arrived, Diana had been the only person to talk besides our exchange in the car the day before, obviously I was the problem. They said this, but I had to wonder how much of the animosity between us was simply because Alex preferred to spend time with me over Diana. I knew that Diana just wanted friends, and she was probably mostly just jealous that Alex and I were the ones who weren't stuck with her life. I didn't say anything though. I was proud of myself for letting her say her piece, even if it was to tell me that they didn't like me at all and that I bring bad feelings into their home.

The logical solution? Diana and Christian told Alex and me that we were going to "fix" it by playing a board game.

We weren't even given a break to process our exchange. We were immediately herded into the kitchen to play a game. Alex didn't like their games that she had already played, so Christian pulled out Risk, and even though I knew that was a long game, I agreed to play.

Three hours later, after Diana finally beat the game, Ohlin and Ash had been given enough snack to leave crunched up crackers smeared onto every square inch of the living room, taken out every single toy and scattered them around the house, been put down for a nap without lunch, and had been completely ignored at the request of their parents so that we could play a game. Not only that, but an hour of Alex and my "break time" had been used, so we had less time until the kids would be awake. I was so frustrated that I could scream!

The logical thing to do would be to leave so that Alex and I could discuss the events of the morning in private, right? Well, when Alex and I told Diana we were going to the beach, she acted so bummed out that Alex invited her to come (even though she told us every day how much she hated the beach and the sun, which was  why we were going). The cool thing about Diana coming with us is that she told Christian to be in charge of the boys. That meant that we could stay longer because we didn't need to be back when Ohlin and Ash woke up. We stayed until around four and then went home to shower. Then Diana said she needed to go to the store, and she invited us to come. I didn't really want to hang out with Diana, but I knew that if I went I could get out of the house, so I tagged along.

Riding to the store was great. We turned the music up loud and rolled down the windows to enjoy the Hawaiian breeze. Even though Diana was still shockingly offensive every time I turned my head, I was starting to relax and enjoy my vacation. I knew that the next week would be difficult, but I also knew I could survive it.

Welcome to Ewa Beach?

Even though Alex and I stayed up whispering late into the night, I still woke up early the next morning. I didn't have much time to think, because I soon realized that Alex was already up and getting breakfast for the kids. I put in my contacts, brushed my teeth, and went downstairs to meet Ohlin and Ash.

Ohlin and Ash were cute little boys. Ohlin had darker hair like his half Chinese dad, and Ash had a round face like his mom and blonde hair. They both had buzz cuts and neither could speak coherently. Neither of the boys were toilet trained and neither of them knew how to use silverware. When I met them, they were both wearing diapers, and both of them had sticky skin. Even though Ash always called Alex "Lori" (their last nanny's name), they grew on me. I immediately knew that I was going to be making their lives a whole lot better.

After getting myself acquainted with the boys, Alex and I decided to take them for a walk to the beach. I hadn't been to the beach yet since landing in Hawaii the night before, and I was dying to be near the warm Pacific water. After about five minutes of walking, we finally reached the ocean! I was so excited for the sun and the water that I had a hard time containing my happiness. While Ohlin and Ash played on the jungle gym, Alex and I sat on the bench, digging our toes in the sand, basking in the warm morning rays, and discussing our predicament. I was hopeful that Diana wasn't as nuts as she had seemed the night before, but Alex didn't have many examples of Diana acting otherwise. This was slightly discouraging, but I knew that if Diana had enough positive interactions, she would probably come around. We stood in the water and encouraged the boys to get their feet wet too. At first, Ash was scared of the water, but once he saw that Ohlin liked it, he started to warm up to it. By the time we were ready to leave, Ash was crying that he wanted to stay.

When Alex and I returned to the house, it was almost eleven, so we prepared lunch for the boys and fed them, excited to walk back to the beach once it was nap time. While the little ones ate, Diana and Christian (who had the day off from work) came down from their bedroom and said that they wanted to go to the beach. I figured we would just go to the beach that we could walk to, but Alex said we were going to ride in the car to the beach. I was stoked to swim, but I was a bit disappointed that Alex and I weren't going to get a break since the boys weren't going to be sleeping. I also wondered where we would all sit, since Diana and Christian only had a BMW with five seats, and there were six of us to fit into the vehicle. I put on my swimming suit anyway, grabbed my towel, and went downstairs to help get the boys ready.

When the time came to pack up the car, Diana pulled out the car seats. I assumed this meant that we would be taking two vehicles (they owned another BMW that was parked), but Diana stuck the car seats in the trunk instead of the other car and told Alex to pack the rest of the things into the trunk. I helped Alex, and when we were finished, Ohlin and Ash were sitting in the car, ready to go. Diana and Christian came out of the house, and we were set to go. But then Diana got in the driver's seat, and Christian got in the front passenger seat, which had me left wondering where Ohlin, Ash, Alex, and I were going to sit.

Diana said, "Ohlin, you sit in the middle, and Bryn, stick Ash on the hump in the middle of the floor. He can sit there."

The alarm in my head was so loud I could hardly think. Every instinct in my body told me to protect the kids. All of my training as a preschool teacher and childcare provider had taught me that my number one priority is a child's safety, even when it is against the wish of his or her parents. I felt my face get hot, and my mouth felt like it was full of sand. I hate confrontations so much, but I couldn't control what I said next.

"I can't put Ash on the floor."

"Why not?" demanded Diana.

"Because if we get in a car accident, he will fly through the windshield and die." I held my breath and waited, feeling proud of myself for standing up for Ash but extremely guilty for causing contention in the car. I really wasn't trying to make trouble, but I would have rather stayed at home by myself than make Ash ride on the floor.

Diana didn't say anything for a few minutes. She and Christian exchanged glances but remained silent.

"Ash can sit on my lap," I finally offered, buckling us in as I spoke.

Diana still didn't say anything to me, but instead mumbled something about how it was going to be my fault if she was pulled over and ticketed for not having her children in their car seats. I didn't really care though. I knew that if something were to happen, at least Ash was buckled in instead of flying around in the car. Diana started the engine and turned on The Lonely Island (a band that I happen to like a LOT), and cranked the stereo as loud as it could go before starting out to the beach. The little boys were exhausted, and even with the music as loud as it was, they were both asleep within ten minutes of our trip. Ash was heavy in my arms, but I didn't mind.

When we got to the beach, I was amazed at how beautiful the area was. We were on the windward side of the island, where everything is luscious and green. The water sparkled beneath the parking lot like billions of winking sapphires. The colors were so vivid that I could hardly believe that they were real. It was hard to remember that we were supposed to be helping out, but Alex reminded me. Alex and I helped carry towels and children to the beach, and once Diana and Christian settled in the sand to play with the boys, Alex and I left to swim. The water was perfect: clear, salty, and warm. We played games and showed off silly tricks to each other. My euphoria was impossible to contain. I laughed and kicked and did tricks. I lied on my back and floated. I soaked up the sunshine like I had never felt it before. I joked and smiled and felt genuinely happy for my first time in Hawaii. I felt like a little kid again.

Eventually Alex's complaints about feeling too cold drove us back in to the beach. We grabbed our towels and took them over to a sunny spot to lie down. The sand felt amazing under my feet, and even though I was on the phone with Josh for a little while, I was relishing every second of my life.

It didn't feel like we'd been sunbathing for that long, but about a half hour later, Alex suggested that we return to see if Diana and Christian were ready to go. Christian had been walking towards us, but when he saw us headed in his direction he turned around and walked back to Diana and the boys. When we reached where they had been, Alex and I grabbed our few things we had left behind and picked up the toys that the boys had forgotten. Then we walked back to the car.

The entire ride home was silent. Diana didn't turn on any music, and everyone except Diana and me fell asleep. I was tired, but I didn't trust Diana's driving very much, so I struggled to keep my eyes open for the next forty-five minutes, texting Josh and holding a very heavy and very asleep Ash. Diana stopped at KFC for dinner, but she only asked Christian if there was anything he wanted. They ordered their dinner, and Diana continued ignoring the four of us in the back seat. By the time we got home, I was ready to take a shower and put on some real clothes. I checked with Alex to see if she needed me for anything, and then went and rinsed off.

When I got out of the shower, it was around six o'clock, and Alex was just hanging out in our bedroom.

"Do they need us downstairs?" I asked.

"No, Ohlin is in bed, and Christian and Diana are both downstairs. I think they can take care of their one kid by themselves."

That made enough sense to me, so I lied down on the bed and relaxed for a few minutes. After a little bit, even though the boys were so exhausted they could have gone straight to bed, Alex and I bathed them and made sure Ohlin had eaten something for dinner. Diana and Christian had left three pieces of chicken from the entire bucket for us to eat, so we fed one to Ohlin and each of us had some. Then around seven Alex went to put the little ones to bed. Diana stopped her and told her that their bedtime is at seven thirty, not seven o'clock, and that they needed to stay up until then. Alex returned downstairs, looking bothered.

"I think Diana is mad at us," she said. "She doesn't usually act like this."

We continued discussing the situation in hushed tones, remembering that Diana was home and could possibly hear us. Alex suggested that we just put the boys in bed anyway because they were so tired, so we did. Then we put on our shoes and left the house to go to the beach, remembering Alex's key.

Sitting on our beach chairs in the dark, the wind tossing our hair in all directions, Alex and I finally felt safe enough to discuss our situation.  Alex said that Diana usually tried to hang out with her a ton more, even on Christian's days off, and she said that Diana's behavior in the car had been weird. I figured it probably had to do with our earlier confrontation, but I didn't really know how to bring it up to Diana without telling her that I couldn't stand her and wanted to move out already. If I hadn't been waiting another week for Josh's first paycheck, we already would have been out of there.

I didn't know what to do, but I knew that this situation was not going to work.

Hawaii: First Impressions

Now, when Alex (my sister-in-law) and I tell people we found a nannying job on craigslist, we know why everyone raises their eyebrows and acts like that may not be a perfectly logical place to find employment and housing combined into one. Last spring when we decided to go to Hawaii, we didn't really know where else to look for housing or jobs, so craigslist is where we went. This is how it played out.


Around the time I found out Josh was going to be leaving me for a while, I also found out that my mom wanted to move out of her recently remodeled basement apartment and into the house the I was currently occupying. It's her house, and as I would have just been living in the upstairs by myself, while she would be cramming my three little brothers into the basement during their stays at her house, it makes sense that she would move upstairs. So, knowing I would have to move all of my things anyway, I started thinking about going somewhere interesting/fun during my time alone. Of course, the last time I went somewhere like that, it was in 2007 when I went to Oahu for three months. It had been fun, but not exactly the experience that I had wanted it to be. So I decided to give Oahu another try.


When I talked to Alex about going with me, she got really excited and said that we should do it. That was our whole plan. We immediately began our search for housing and jobs. We researched the cost of a plane ticket. We calculated into our plans where our money would be coming from and how we would cover our living expenses if we didn't have employment by the time we reached Hawaii.


For me, this was really easy. Having Josh gone would mean I would have a nice income again. Even while paying off debt, I could still have some money for myself to afford my basic needs.We had paid off my car with our tax return, and Josh decided to sell his two-door Tacoma since we WILL be having babies once he gets home, and our bills dropped significantly. Don't get me wrong -- we are still really hurting in the debt department -- but we would be paying for everything in payments anyway, and with our budget worked out, I still had enough money to play.


When we found Diana on craigslist, she sounded perfect. Her ad said that she was looking for someone to come and help out around the house while she was on bed rest with a difficult pregnancy. The ad described the job as being really casual: get up with the boys in the morning and hang out until Diana woke up. Then if you see something that needs to be picked up, pick it up. The ad said there would be light cleaning and some childcare for her two and three year old boys. This was all in exchange for room and board. Sounds good, right? That's what we thought, so Alex started emailing Diana and asking for additional information. They started talking on the phone, and even though Diana seemed kind of rude at first, I figured it just had to do with her pregnancy and that it would pass. Diana said we could both come and stay with her. She said the bus stop was about a mile away and that we could drive her car, use their gated community's workout facility, and find additional employment if we liked. The only thing that rang an alarm bell for me was that Diana told Alex that she hates Hawaii. 


Who hates Hawaii? we both wondered. We soon found out.


Alex left for Hawaii about three weeks before I could go because Diana had kicked out her former nanny and she needed Alex there ASAP. I didn't hear from Alex much, but I figured it had to do with the weird time difference and her being really busy and having fun. When June 8 came around, I had second thoughts about going, but I had already commited with my ticket, so I flew to Hawaii.


When I first got into Honolulu, I called Alex, and she said that they were just leaving to come pick me up. I assumed they lived really close to the airport, so I went about collecting my things. There was a problem with baggage claim, and some employees told me to go to the wrong carousel, so about 45 minutes later, when Alex and Diana showed up, I was just getting around to finding my suitcase. Alex totally crept up on me, and once I recovered from the surprise, I gave her the biggest hug (even though she isn't much of a hugger). We finally located my suitcase and went outside to find Diana. 


Let's just say that from the time I got inside of her car until a half hour after I'd pretended to be asleep, Diana talked nonstop. Don't get me wrong, I love talkers. I am married to Joshua, who could talk anybody's ear off for days on end. But Diana talked solely to complain. In those first three hours with Diana, I learned about every single one of Diana's "friends" and what awful people they are and all of the evil, vindictive things that Diana wants to do to them in order to "get even" for all of her perceived injustices. Diana cussed extensively, gossiped about people who I would never meet, and was a terrifying driver. (We almost crashed while driving home because Diana was going way too fast and didn't see when the driver in front of us stopped. She even had to swerve onto the shoulder of the road to go around the stopped vehicles.) I had never spoken to Diana before, she was planning on leaving her children in my care, I was going to be living in her home, and she didn't have a single question for me? Another alarm bell rang in the back of my head.


Finally, three hours after I'd gotten to Hawaii, Diana decided she was finally tired, and she left me alone. I sat in the dark for a quiet moment, trying to figure out how, exactly, I wanted to ask Alex what the heck we had been thinking. Finally I sat up and crawled to the foot of my bed, where the head of Alex's bed was. Alex was playing on her phone, and she smiled at me.


"Hi," I whispered.


"Hi," she said back. She continued typing on her phone.


"How's it going?" I asked.


"Oh... It's good." Her eyes didn't leave the tiny screen. When Alex didn't say anything for another minute, I laid back down on my bed and closed my eyes. Alex continued texting for a while longer, but then she put down her phone, and in a hushed voice said, "I can't take it anymore!"


She confessed that she had been trying to stay positive for the last three weeks, because she knew that if she'd told me how bad it was, I wouldn't have come. She said that the kids were great, Diana's husband Christian was great, but that Diana was one of the craziest girls she had ever met. 


She continued by explaining her typical day to me. Alex was waking up every morning before seven to get the boys out of their room, change their soggy diapers, and feed them breakfast. Then she was taking them for walks and to the nearby parks so that they could get out of the house and enjoy Hawaii's fresh air. Around ten Alex was feeding them a small snack, and by eleven thirty the boys were eating lunch that Alex prepared for them. From noon until three Alex could do whatever she wanted while the boys "napped" in their locked bedroom. These were Alex's only free hours while the sun was shining. By three the boys needed to be changed again and fed some sort of snack. Then Alex would take them for another walk or let them watch TV while she scrubbed dishes, washed the family's laundry, mopped the floors, cleaned up after Bubbles the dog (who was NEVER let outside), and took out the garbage. The boys ate dinner between five and five thirty, after which Alex gave them both baths and prepared them for bed. Bedtime was at seven thirty, but if Diana was in charge for some reason, they could go to bed as early as six forty-five. The sunset was already over by the time Alex was done working for the day, and if she didn't leave the house as soon as the boys were locked in their bedroom, Diana would demand Alex's attention until Alex's energy was completely gone and she insisted on going to bed. And that was Alex's day EVERY DAY. Did I mention that Diana doesn't have a job and that she sat around all day while Alex did all of this work? Did I also mention that Christian frequently came home from work by four thirty and sat in his computer room playing games until long after the boys were asleep? This house was absolutely ridiculous, and DEFINITELY not as advertised. 


That night Alex and I began to plot our escape from Diana's house. I had never even walked through the entire house, but I knew that the longer I stayed there, the more I would die inside.

Getting Sealed

Getting married the first time was awesome, but how many people get to commit to each other AGAIN in the presence of God? If you would have asked me three years ago when Josh and I began dating whether we would ever make it to the temple, I probably would have told you to take a hike. At the time, that just wasn't my thing. If you're unfamiliar with The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and our temples, this is where the magic happens. I didn't realize until I actually went through the temple, but this is really what our entire religion is founded on. If you are a member and you never go through the temple, you are missing out on some serious joy! January 30, 2009 was the best day of my life at that time, but today if you were to ask what the best day of my life has been, I couldn't answer any other way but "April 28, 2011." Writing this five months later (wow, time flies!) and twenty pounds lighter, I still wouldn't change that day for a thing.

 It may have taken us three years to get there, but what's three years compared to an eternity? Our decision to get sealed gives me peace every single day that Joshua is gone, and I know it will continue to help me through all of life's struggles.

Our Busy Life

I'm feeling really overwhelmed with everything going on right now and want to talk about all of my upcoming events! I am going to map it out so that I can figure it out a little bit better.


April 18-22: pre-finals week
I have to write a 2-page paper by Monday, a 5-page paper by Tuesday, a 7-page paper by Thursday, increments of my final for my editing class, and my final for my professional considerations class. I know I really should be doing homework right now, but I can't wrap my head around it until I've got my schedule made. I also have class every morning and work every afternoon until at least 5:30.


April 22 or 23: my endowment
I'm going to the temple for the first time to take out my endowments! I am a little nervous about wearing garments and what all will happen inside of the temple, since I have no idea what goes on inside. I'm not worried about the commitment, I'm just nervous about the changes it will make to my life. . . I have a hard time with change. I need to make my appointment tomorrow so I can invite my grandparents and plan for it. 


April 23: Nina's baby shower
I am throwing a baby shower for my best friend Nina! I'm super excited about it, and I'm sure it'll look nice and be fun, but I am a little worried about planning everything and trying to take it all on by myself. I guess I'm most worried about this because I know that I'm probably going to have to do most of the preparations the day of the shower, and my in-laws will be in town, so my house will also have to be presentable. All I really need to worry about is food, decorations, and a present.


April 25-27: finals/last days at Adventure Time
I need to take finals this week on Critical Intro to Lit, British Lit, Shakespeare, and Editing. These will all be done in the mornings, and these are also my last few days of work at the preschool! I'm going to try and get lesson plans ready for the substitute teachers, and I need to come to terms with the fact that the babies I've worked with since August are not going to be mine anymore! I feel so guilty about leaving them, but this is where my life is heading right now, and there's nothing else I can really do about that. I'm just hoping I can get all of the plans written out and ready for subs so that my kiddos will have a sense of continuity.


Sometime before April 28: dress shopping
I need to find a cute white dress for pictures at the Bountiful Temple on April 28 after our sealing! I want to check out the cute boutiques around Provo, but I need to delegate time for it. If I can get most of my papers done soon, I can try to find my dress sometime this week, but I'm still not wearing garments yet and am not totally sure about how my clothes need to fit.


April 28: my sealing/family pictures/packing
I still have to figure out what kind of hair I'm going to try to pull off for the big day! This is also our last day before our trip, so we need to get all of our things together for California and get Mollie's things together for her stay in Manila at Nina's parents' ranch. I know she's going to love it there, but I feel so bad about leaving her while I go to Hawaii. . . Maybe it's just me, but I feel like she knows it's coming.


April 29-May 16: roadtrip
We will be all over the place on the BMW!


May 17-May 31: moving back to the basement
Yay for unpacking, packing, laundry, and trying to soak up our last few days together.


June 8: Hawaii


So, I'm sure there are more things that need to be on here, but I'm sure I need to be getting busy now with homework! Maybe after all of the craziness, I will put some pictures up from our trip! I hope!

Baby Steps

That last post was written when I was feeling discouraged, so I'd like to rave about all of the wonderful things going on right now.

Joshua and I both received our Temple Recommends today! I am so excited! This means that (depending upon which schedule we choose) I will be endowed either by next Saturday or the 23rd. I'm a little nervous about going through the temple for the first time, but I am sure that this is just the beginning of something so hugely amazing that I can't even comprehend it. I am so grateful for the atonement and all of the amazing things it enables me to do. How awesome is it that I will not always be stuck with my mistakes?? I mean, I've made some really bad choices in the past, and I am so grateful that I have the opportunity during this life to repent and choose to do something else with myself. Gah! I love it!

On another note, I got to help my big sister (who is actually smaller than me right now!) go wedding dress shopping yesterday, and it was so nice to just have girl time. We spent Friday evening at our cousin's wedding reception, and it was great to see some of our mom's family. Then we got some tasty Mexican food and watched TV, talked, and played with the baby until 3:00 AM. It was disappointing that her baby, Charlie, doesn't really like me, but at least her other two do! On Saturday we looked at David's Bridal dresses and mosied on over to the Women's Expo. We had so much fun! Trudi has turned into such an amazing woman, and I am so proud of her for who she has become. She is a great mom to her three little ones, and I can't wait for her to marry Jeff and live happily ever after, because that's exactly what she deserves.

It's been an excellent weekend, full of love, hope, and the promise of tomorrow. I am so grateful for my family! Even if they don't know it, I think they're the best. I am so grateful for all of the support and love I receive every day. I am a lucky girl!

Twenty-one days...

In three weeks, Joshy and I will be getting sealed in the Bountiful Temple. We've been married for two years, and we started dating almost three years ago... I am so excited and apprehensive about going to the temple, and I'm worried that I'm not able to give it as much thought as I would like to, since it's the end of the semester, and my 18 credits are giving me my money's worth of work right now. Between working at the preschool and school and homework, I am also planning my best friend Nina's baby shower and I'm trying to make time for my older sister Trudi as she is preparing for her wedding. I'm also trying to somehow fill my callings at church and keep up with my active puppy. I'm swamped, and I just wish I could have a few minutes to breathe and contemplate the huge commitment I am about to undertake. Plus, right now Josh is in training at Camp Williams, and I can sporadically see him when he doesn't have to be back super early in the morning. The next three weeks are all ready kicking my butt.


On another note, I can't believe it, but Josh is deploying way too soon. It is right around the corner, and the closer it sneaks up on me, the more terrified I become. I am not allowed to give out real dates, but let's just say it is happening.
I try to be okay with it and look at the bright side. I try to think about Hawaii and how much fun it will be.
I try not to think about the fact that I might lose him.
I try not to think about the time I'm going to have to pass without him.
I try not to be resentful that I have to put my life on hold for a year while all of my friends and family continue to progress with their lives.
I try to do those things, but right now I am failing miserably.


People tell you that nobody knows what it's like to have a deployed spouse until they have had a deployed spouse. People all think they know, because their husband has been away on business or is a workaholic or has other priorities than his home and family, but they don't understand the stress you feel when you know your husband is going to be in a position where there is a huge chance that he might die. They don't get it that you have no control over when you get to see him or even talk to him. I'm glad it's still a little way out, but it's hard to forget about it until then. I just wish I had more friends who knew what I'm going through right now. I read all of the magazines and try to take all of the advice I can get, but I am such a nervous wreck right now. I have no idea what to expect, and I'm just as worried about Josh as I am about myself.


Well, let's take a deep breath and get back to homework. Thank you for listening.