Six Weeks in!

So, I'm six weeks into living healthier, and I am feeling great! I've already lost over ten pounds, and I'm hoping to lose about twenty more (though not before this challenge is over). My clothes fit better, I have more energy, and I'm all-around feeling better about life. I'll be honest, there are many days that I don't make it into my living room to work out (or the gym, or outside, or whatever), but even on those days, I'm drinking more water and consciously eating healthier than I ever have before. I mess up once in a while and eat sugar when I shouldn't or eat within three hours of bedtime, but mistakes are a beautiful part of humanity, and I'm okay with that.

In case you aren't familiar with the weight loss challenge I'm currently participating in, go here to learn more about it. If you've decided to follow along and join in, how is that going for you? I know I'm only a third of my way to my goal, but I'm so glad I'm doing this! Anyway, I just wanted to check in and let the world know that I'm still breathing. In fact, life is pretty great over here. :)

Making Changes and Getting Healthy

For the past two weeks, I've been participating with a large group of police wives in a weight loss/get healthy program. Because I've been seeing results with it pretty quickly, I thought it best to share it in hopes that it helps someone else in my shoes (about 30 pounds overweight, unexplained infertility, and generally not really healthy).

Here are the rules:

1. No sugar. This is a big one. No desserts. No sugary drinks. No candy. Nothing of the sort. If you like, you can have one sugar day per week for which you won't be penalized, but other than that, no sugar. This is the hardest for me because I love ice cream, but whatever. I can still get my ice cream fix once a week, so I guess it isn't so bad.

2. No eating after 9:00 or within three hours of bedtime. This has ended all of my late-night snacking. It was so hard at first, but since I've been working it's gotten much easier since I'm not home alone as often. This limits my calories dramatically, since I was often eating dinner late and/or requesting mint chocolate chip milkshakes from our local fast food restaurants at all hours. No more of that!

3. Drink, drink drink! The goal is to consume 64 oz of water every day. Some days this seems like a lot, and other days it's not enough. If I'm not drinking anything else, it's not as big of a deal, but when I fill up on milk, juice, or diet sodas (which I hardly EVER do!), I have a hard time making this goal. In fact, here I am at 10:00 PM, and I still have about 32 oz to go. I'm definitely going to be getting up frequently tonight. Oh well. Serves me right for not drinking water all day!

4. Three vegetables and two fruits every day. Or substitute vegetables for fruit and eat all five servings of vegetables for faster weight loss. This can be hard if you're filling up on junk food or too many carbs, but it's definitely achievable. I won't lie and say I was able to do this every day, but I try!

5. Sweat! Work out for 45 minutes at least 5 times per week. This one is a struggle for me because my work schedule varies, and I don't have a lot of time some days. When I do work in the mornings, I'm able to hit the gym with my clients and get my sweat on before I'd normally even be awake. Working out in the morning helps with water consumption too, FYI.

6. Journal. I think this is just about being more aware of what we're putting into our bodies. It's been an eye-opener for me, and it definitely holds me more accountable when I'm keeping track of the food I'm eating. It makes it harder for me to "forget" that I didn't eat enough vegetables or whatever. It's also how I keep track of my water intake and exercise.

7. Contact. We get points for keeping in touch with the other ladies who are trying to lose weight with us! We need to get in touch with each other every day so we can hold each other accountable and help cheer each other on! I really like this part of the competition because we definitely help each other and have fun suggestions for workouts, healthy foods, and ways to get in shape.

8. Weekly weigh-in. I know, I know, nobody likes to look at the scale. At least nobody who's trying to lose weight. The only person who sees your number is the girl coordinating everything, and she doesn't post weights anywhere--just body fat percentages lost.

The way these rules work is that whoever loses the most weight wins $500, and the perfect points winners split the remaining $500 equally amongst themselves. Obviously we're trying to do this in a healthy way since we encourage all of these healthy habits. Someone who starves herself would win $500, but she wouldn't be able to sustain it, and what would be the point of that? We all just want to be healthier, and I think it's really cool that there are other ladies suffering from infertility who are participating too. We're all hoping that getting healthier will help our bodies work better and help us get closer to pregnancy. Even though I'm a month into my break from trying to get pregnant, we probably won't be going back for a bit. I've really been enjoying this break too much. We'll just see where things go, I guess! That's life, right? And whether I end up with twelve babies or none, life is so so good to me. Here's hoping I get back my body in six weeks!

Hanson: Best Concert of September

I've been to three concerts in the past eleven days. I know, I'm a wild woman. But the concert last night was so incredible that I had to write about it and why it was so much better than the other shows I've recently attended. But instead of jumping into last night, let's set this off in chronological order.

9/11: Rebelution "Good Vibes" Tour: To be fair, I went to this concert after a long day of flying on airplanes to travel to Maryland. I'd slept about four hours the night before and maybe for an hour or two during the jaunt between Denver and Washington D.C. and I felt exhausted before we even got to the show. However, I love Rebelution. I love their chill reggae music and the way I can just sit back and relax (or dance) while listening to them. They're probably my favorite reggae group, if I had to pick one.

Funny story about this show: my sister-in-law Alex and I were walking to Pier Six in Baltimore, where the show was located. We weren't totally sure we were walking in the right direction after parking the car, but it seemed as though there were others walking in our same general direction, so we were fairly sure of our course. In any case, there was a Jewish man in front of us, and since Matisyahu was opening for Rebelution, we thought that maybe the Jewish man was going to the show since he was walking the same way (I know, I know, that's generalizing things a bit, but whatever). Alex and I decided to follow the pair (there was also a tall, pale man with a shaved head walking with him), and we'd only been behind them for a minute or two when Alex realized that the tall bald man in front of us was Matisyahu! How exciting! I was wearing my Matisyahu t-shirt and everything, but I didn't believe Alex because I've never seen Matisyahu without hair. I've seen him both bearded and clean-shaven, but never bald. We were still walking behind these men, so I couldn't see their faces, but Alex was certain. She walked over to the tall man and told him that she recognized him and that we were big fans. All he quietly said was, "That's good" and didn't even turn around to look at me. He turned and walked away from us even more quickly than he'd been walking before. When Alex and I finally got through the gates, Matisyahu's companion came over and apologized, telling me that Matisyahu hadn't meant to be rude but that he'd been resting his voice for the show (he was due to go on in fifteen minutes). I told him I understood, but I'll never forget how cold he was compared to his lyrics about love and peace.

His show was good, as usual, and Alex and I still danced and had fun, but at the end of the show, I couldn't help but notice that the group who came onstage to dance during the last song had evolved from an eager bunch of Jewish children to a party of scantily dressed teenage girls, and I couldn't help but feel like Matisyahu has really sold out. By the time Rebelution was half-way through their set we were ready to be away from the giant crowd and away from the noise (our seats were next to the speakers and the music was TOO LOUD!). We went and sat on the water and listened to Rebelution's melodies from afar before leaving early to get dinner. It certainly wasn't Rebelution's fault we didn't have an amazing time, but Matisyahu had kind of killed our mood. The show was good, but if I get bored half-way through and want to leave, there's probably a problem.

9/13: Blue October "Sway" Tour: I've loved Blue October for a long time. I started listening to them back in high school, and they're one of the few bands that have aged well from my musical collection (in my opinion). We got to the concert a little late, but the opening band was really good. East coasters don't really rock out at concerts, but I did see a few dancing and jumping around, so I didn't feel as self-conscious about doing the same. The sound at this venue (The Fillmore in Silver Springs, Maryland) was spectacular. There was a perfect balance in the sound system between the music and vocals, and I didn't feel like my ear drums were going to burst because of the volume. This show was really fun. I loved the electric violin, and they played a few of the older songs that I knew and a few new ones that I grew to quickly love. This was an excellent show.

9/20: Hanson "Anthem" Tour: Holy crap. The opening band (Paul McDonald)? Amazing. He had a way of warming up the crowd that I've rarely seen. So many people were dancing from the beginning that it made it easy to be hyped about Hanson (if we weren't already)... I get it that this crowd would've been excited anyway because of the anticipation (I've never seen Hanson in concert, but I've been a fan since elementary school), but Paul McDonald blew us away. Then, obviously Hanson kicked butt. Like, seriously. They got us excited. They got us dancing. They got us to scream and sing and harmonize and jump just by asking. I haven't been in a crowd that passionate maybe ever. And they were nice. They were happy we were happy. They loved when we cheered. And they were grateful and humble. My mom, sister, and I waited outside of the show after the concert and had a chance to meet Zac. Oh my goodness. He was probably my first celebrity crush (ever), and I got a picture with him. He was sweet to my sister (who was so excited she was shaking), and he signed our cds. If we would've waited, I'm confident we could have gotten all of Hanson's autographs, but it was late and we were exhausted, so we left after meeting Zac. This concert was BY FAR the best and completely blew the other two away.

When Swimming Gets Too Tough

I'm currently doing a delicate dance--one full of complicated steps and twists and balance and poise. I'm dancing because my world is spinning. And if I don't just twirl along with it, who knows what will happen? I may stumble or fall or worse. There will DEFINITELY be tears. Dory from Finding Nemo says, "Just keep swimming," and that's what I'm doing. That's all I can do, some days. And when swimming gets too tough? I lie on my back and float. What else can you do?

This month was full of promise. It was supposed to be different. I had THREE eggs, mature and ready for fertilization. Maybe they did get fertilized? Maybe then something went wrong. Or maybe it just didn't work the same way it just hasn't worked for the past 2 1/2 years. Who knows? Without more thorough testing, my knowledge is limited and leaves much to be desired. The constant letdown is getting to me. This dance is becoming exhausting, tiresome. You can only sustain the facade of optimism for so long before the great shift happens and you feel too jaded to even hope. And losing hope is dangerous when that's all you have.

I have a feeling that the path of infertility has been mine, set in the pre-existence since before I was given this body. I think I sacrificed the countless babies I long to have because I wanted to help others with their own journeys. Like maybe I knew that they needed those little angels more than I did. I long for the day when it'll all make sense. I hope when I die that I'll have an opportunity to remember what this was all about. Because these empty arms and this aching heart just don't get it this month. I hope that when I can see the big picture, at the end of my story, I understand the point behind these years of trials. I really hope this story makes sense from the end.

I'm sorry to disappoint my family and friends, but this girl needs a break. The constant monitoring and worrying and documenting has to stop. I can't keep living this crazily obsessive way. I can't let my desire to become a mother consume my life any more than it already has. I can't maintain this intense obsession. I have no current way of achieving my goal of becoming pregnant, and I'm growing so weary from this long and intricate dance. I'm going to crash if I try to keep this up. I just can't do it right now.

I'll come back to this in a month or two. Instead of bookmarking this chapter, I may start it over completely. I need to get my body and mind healthier in the meantime. I've irrationally put myself on bed rest for the past nine months, hoping that if I didn't move around too much, a baby would stick. As a result, I've gained about 15 pounds and become more depressed than ever. My marriage has suffered. I haven't handled things well. And I think it's time to go back and repair the fragile foundation that is my marriage and my life. Because in the midst of things, my life and love have been neglected, and without repair now, they'll fall apart completely. I hope that makes sense from the outside. It's become glaringly apparent to me recently, and I can ignore it no longer.

Friends, family, I love you. This has been a difficult decision for us at this time, but it's one that I hope you'll respect. And please, for the love of Pete, don't tell me I'll get pregnant now because I've stopped trying. Don't bring it up, actually. I'd rather not talk about my grief right now. Instead, let's focus on Josh's promotion in the Army (that's right, I've got myself a STAFF SERGEANT now!), or let's talk about my path to becoming healthier (I'm planning on losing 30-40 pounds in the next few months). Let's discuss my new job (that I start in one short week) or my callings at church (I hold three!). I am so much more than the face of unexplained infertility. I am not destined to become a vessel of life right now, and that's okay. I'm at peace with that for the moment. Don't make me feel guilty about that. We'll come back to this issue when we're rested and we've got more resources. This is not a retreat--this is merely reinforcing our troops. We want to win this war against infertility, and we have to be facing it with a united front, as a team, and we can't do that if we aren't feeling the love.

I feel like the spinning is slowing down and under control now. This tricky dance will one day be mastered. In the meantime, I'm going to give myself a rest day so that I'll be stronger and more powerful than ever before.

Celebrating a Hero

It's been two weeks since I've posted anything on here! Can you believe it? I've started several posts, but I couldn't help but feel like all I was doing was complaining, so I decided against finishing them. The past two weeks have gone by so fast that it's hard to believe it. Josh went on a motorcycle trip and I went out of town, and then he started school so we've been making the hour-long-trek to Orem every day, and there's hardly been time for anything else. I got a new calling at church (I now have THREE), and I interviewed at a couple of jobs, so I've been busier than ever. And sometimes, while caught up in the obsessive details of infertility, it's good forget about it a little and be busy.

About a week ago, a Draper City law enforcement officer was randomly shot and killed, and Josh and I had the privilege of attending his funeral yesterday. It was really one of the most amazing services I've ever been to. It was held at the Maverik Center in West Valley City, and he was buried at a beautiful cemetery in Draper. The procession of police vehicles trailed all the way from the Maverik Center to the cemetery, with extra cars still in the parking lots at either end. Seeing all of the lights going gave me a sense of camaraderie within the law enforcement community that I've never felt before.

Many people between locations had pulled to the side of the road and stood, watching, as thousands of police vehicles drove past with their lights flashing. The citizens of Draper lined the streets, waving American flags and paying their respects in the ninety degree Utah heat. It made me feel incredibly sad for the police officers since it takes an officer shooting for people to remember that cops are people and that they do so much more than give tickets. When my honey is in his Army uniform, people walk up to him on a regular basis and thank him for his service, but when he's in his police uniform we have to worry about people spitting into our food. The badge makes us a target, whether we're in public or even at home. Seriously, the difference in the way that he's treated is completely shocking. The funeral was really difficult to sit through, but it made things almost okay, having my honey there. I can't help but feel guilty that I still have that luxury while that officer's wife and son do not. I'm always aware that there's a chance of something like this happening in Josh's line of work, but when it actually does happen, it's difficult to handle. It's hard to let my honey go to work, knowing there are people out there who hate him enough to kill him in cold blood. It's hard knowing that there are countless families who have lost their loved ones in the line of duty. If this video doesn't choke you up, then I don't know what will. I'm including some pictures of the services:

 

 

 

Fancy Meeting You Here

Oh, hey amigos. Not pregnant this month. Not broken this month either. It's funny how some months are so much harder than others. This month is easier, though I'm not sure why. This month is more about me kind of just loving life.

I'm loving the cool down Utah is currently experiencing, and I'm hopeful that autumn is just around the corner. So many things are about to change with my love returning to school and I'm actually feeling excited. More immediately, I'm about to have a lot of time on my hands while my honey goes on a motorcycle trip, and I'm looking forward for those stolen moments of my own. Is it bad that I love when he's gone so I can play? I'm setting up a job interview, a doctor's appointment, Bunko night, a camping trip, and a girls' day, all things that are so so good for my soul.

I've had double doses of friends and family this week, which makes my heart ache with happiness. I finished reading To Kill a Mockingbird for my first time today, and I am shocked I've never had the pleasure of such a wonderful read before. What a book! What great names and characters! What a great story! I loved it. I also had the privilege of playing with a young, orange, tiger-striped kitten today and petting every dog in our local animal shelter. I went to a football game and spent a few hours with my honey while he worked, and I gave him the okay to empty our bank account on BMW parts. Sigh. I love him anyway.

And now, I'm relaxing at home, picking apart the mascara in my eyelashes and listening to my dog chew her nails, so thankful for my crazy, unexpected, happy life. Sometimes it's okay to be content with the unexpected, and sometimes it's all right to be happy with how things are right now. Sometimes I'm guilty of looking forward to the future so much that I forget to embrace the present, and that's a shame because my life is really its own kind of wonderful. Happy Friday, friends.

Why Dogs Are the Greatest

Puppy Mollie, spring 2010

Mollie, spring 2013, in her trademark cocked-head pose

In case you don't know, I am the proud owner of a Moody-shepherd. What? You've never heard of one of those? Well, neither had I, before Mollie. In fact, I may have made up that breed... Mollie is a dog, but it's tough to name the exact breed because she has the traits of a couple. She has fur coloring and patterns like a Belgian Malinois with the face and webbed paws of a lab. For the longest time we thought she was just some kind of German Shepherd, and none of her vets knew what to make of her. We never sent in her DNA for testing because it's expensive, unnecessary, and less fun to know. We like the guessing part of her.

Today, at age 3 1/2, she weighs about 60 pounds. She stands about as tall as a lab and sports a big, friendly smile. She used to be a BUSY puppy who tore everything up and was too smart for her own good, but after turning 2, she mellowed out big time. She's so awesome that I decided to make a list of the reasons why she is great (which obviously translates to why dogs are the greatest). This is a good go-to list if you're considering adopting a dog or if you just love them and want to look at cute pictures.

Mollie, sharing in watching The Office's finale episode, CLEARLY respecting my space...

10. Mollie respects physical boundaries. I mean, she's a dog, so she's kind of annoying when she makes you pet her or shoves her freezing nose into your palm when it hangs off the bed, but she's not the type of dog who stands on top of you when you sit on the ground or tries to climb into your lap (usually). And if you tell her to go away, she will!

Hiking with my favorite girl! She loves the mountains as much as I do!

9. She keeps me company. Guess how fun it is to hang out at home for 11 hours a day while my husband works? It's actually really boring and really lonely, especially when going through fertility issues. Mollie will follow me around my house, wherever I go. Even if I'm just running to the bathroom, Mollie comes and curls up right outside of the door and waits for me to be done. She likes me and likes to be around me, and it makes me feel better knowing I have somebody around, even if it's "just" a dog.

Taking a shower with her dad since we don't have a tub

8. She listens. Did you know that Mollie taught herself the command "go to bed" on her own? She picked up from context clues that every night before Josh and I would go to bed (way back when she was about six months old) that we would stretch, turn off the TV, and say, "It's time for bed." One day, after Josh did that routine, we realized that Mollie went straight to her kennel. Laughing, we called her out and then told her to "go to bed," not exactly sure what she would do. We were completely amazed when she immediately returned to her kennel. She got crazy amounts of praise for that, and it quickly became a favorite trick to show our friends. Anyway, Mollie is super obedient, and I love it.

Mollie tolerating Bradley the Boxer, even though he's a wild, crazy, energetic puppy

7. Mollie is social. Have you ever been around a dog that just got along with everybody? That's Mollie. She smiles and makes friends with all different kinds of dogs and humans with ease. Because she's big (especially compared to little kids), little ones are typically timid with her, so she gently stands there or licks their hands. We had the daughter of a friend ask once why Mollie licked so nicely because she was so gentle. My niece and nephews love to take her by her leash and run her around their yard. She trots along so patiently and stops whenever they do. My 3-year-old nephew loves the idea of her but gets scared when he's got her leash, and she just stands there while he screams and runs away, his screams turning into laughter. She's kind of perfect.

 

Mollie, clearly loving being babied (note: extended claws to hold on better)

6. She's our baby substitute (for now). Remember how we've been trying for over 2 1/2 years to get pregnant and it hasn't even almost happened yet? There have been a lot of tears about that in our home. It's been a heartache that I would never wish on anyone. And having someone little who needs you when you're wrapped up in depression can sometimes help you snap out of it and remind you to think about somebody else (even if she's little and furry). Mollie fills the baby role in our home in many ways, and it's fun to baby her for now.

Livin' it up, ET style

5. Mollie's a conversation-starter. Know what people can relate to? Dogs. People who have and love dogs love to talk about what they love about them. Especially because of Mollie's obedience, lots of people ask us about our methods of training and what type of dog she is (since she's not a distinct breed). If you're wondering about training, we used Dan Sullivan's The Perfect Dog system, and it worked great for her. She hasn't had the training collar on in over two months, and she still listens nearly perfectly. Not everyone will agree with that method of training, but whatever. I see it as being a lot like parenting where different methods work for different types of children, and where it can be a touchy subject. Either way, it gets people talking, and we love making new friends.

Sunday nap style with the three amigos

4. She brings us together. Joshua and I have worked so hard to train Mollie to do her different tricks. I'm currently training her to close the door when she comes inside, and it's not easy. Whenever we master a trick, it's easy for Josh and I to look at each other with pride and recognize the hard work that went into training her. I think of this as kind of like parenting when you see your child apply the knowledge that you've taught it. So we have parental pride over our dog... whatever. We love her.

She's especially tough when in uniform

3. She alerts me to dangers. Ever been home alone and not heard when someone was at your door? I know I have! Whenever Mollie is inside with me, she barks anytime there's someone outside of our door. She doesn't do this in an annoying way, but she does it to alert me and to alert the "intruder" that she is there. It's pretty intimidating, and I wouldn't want to be the idiot who chose to cross her when she's in guard dog mode. Once when we lived in Provo, she alerted us when a gunshot victim had stumbled into the parking lot next to our house. Pretty crazy place, that Provo...

Just napping wherever she feels like it, since she's a dog

2. Mollie is way lower maintenance than a baby. She needs to be fed once or twice a day, her water dish needs to be filled every few days (we use a big bowl), and she needs to be let out to do her business every few hours. We walk her occasionally, but she gets tons of exercise playing outside with our landlords' bloodhound, Sweets. It's a pretty perfect setup. Also, if we need to leave, we don't have to find a babysitter for her (unless we'll be gone overnight), and it isn't illegal to lock her in a kennel, if needed.

 Accompanying me on a vacation to California's coast. She's so happy her shadow is smiling.

1. She gives me someone to love! It probably sounds dumb, but I have so much love in my heart, and sometimes I really just need to hug and kiss on someone. My husband isn't exactly the touchiest-feeliest kind of guy, so sometimes I need to love on someone else. Enter Mollie. Mollie loves my attention, and she even reciprocates it. And there's really nothing more satisfying than being away for a couple of days and having your pup cry in excitement to see you. Honestly, I love seeing Josh when I've been gone, but I get WAY more excited to love on Mollie when she's shaking with happiness. It's really the best feeling.

So, whether you already have a dog or you're thinking about getting one, consider these excellent reasons why they are so wonderful. Of course, there are many downsides to having dogs too, but the love and companionship you'll share will far outweigh any negatives. Sometimes I wonder if she's my guardian angel, as silly as that sounds. I love my Mollie, and I couldn't imagine how boring things would be without her.

Cuddling with her dad on the couch. I love that her ears are sticking up!

Because, honestly, who couldn't love that sweet face?

Do you agree with these ten reasons why dogs are the best? What do you think about dogs? Do you love them to death or think they're more trouble than they're worth?