What Next?

Hello, world. I have spent the past three weeks traveling (nearly) nonstop, vacationing with my favorite people, daydreaming about tomorrow, and soaking in every moment of my present. I know in my heart that children would complete my family in a way nothing else ever will, but I still savor my moments of silence and peace here in the present. I mean, if I learn nothing else from this infertility, I have certainly learned that my current state of quiet childlessness is temporary, and it will one day soon (I hope) be transformed into something more fulfilling but also louder, busier, and shriller. As you may know, I am a quiet person, and I require occasional evenings of silent solitude in order to re-charge. One day those moments will be rushed and stolen and I'll probably wonder what on earth I was ever thinking in voluntarily inviting the chaos of children into my home. Some brief moments, I'll probably be ungrateful, but then I'll remember these years of perpetual emptiness and heartache and I'll know it's worth it. At least, that's how I imagine it will be.

So, this is the month. Next cycle is the cycle. We have filled our prescription for Clomid, and Josh and I are eagerly counting down the days until we can begin. I visited my doctor for my most recent appointment on Cycle Day 4, and I can't start my prescription until my next Cycle's Day 3, so this is going to be a looooong month. My mind is pacing. My imagination is going crazy with all of the possibilities of what could happen. Twins aren't as scary as they once were. And the concept that this is finally (maybe) going to happen is making me feel hopeful and happier than I want to admit. Yeah, I'm guarded. I've been on this train for two and a half years. I'm not exactly going to allow myself to get excited just yet. Staying skeptical is what keeps me from having my heart crushed month after month, so skeptical I will remain. But secretly, deep down, I'm so excited.

That's what's been happening here. I won't have any answers until August, but I'll keep taking my thyroid medicine, taking my temperature, peeing on ovulation sticks, and trying to have intimate time with my husband more often so that my doctors won't yell at me next time I visit. Maybe one of these months, all of the trying will work. A girl can always hope, right? Wish me luck! This girl is back to vacationing!