Hanson: Best Concert of September

I've been to three concerts in the past eleven days. I know, I'm a wild woman. But the concert last night was so incredible that I had to write about it and why it was so much better than the other shows I've recently attended. But instead of jumping into last night, let's set this off in chronological order.

9/11: Rebelution "Good Vibes" Tour: To be fair, I went to this concert after a long day of flying on airplanes to travel to Maryland. I'd slept about four hours the night before and maybe for an hour or two during the jaunt between Denver and Washington D.C. and I felt exhausted before we even got to the show. However, I love Rebelution. I love their chill reggae music and the way I can just sit back and relax (or dance) while listening to them. They're probably my favorite reggae group, if I had to pick one.

Funny story about this show: my sister-in-law Alex and I were walking to Pier Six in Baltimore, where the show was located. We weren't totally sure we were walking in the right direction after parking the car, but it seemed as though there were others walking in our same general direction, so we were fairly sure of our course. In any case, there was a Jewish man in front of us, and since Matisyahu was opening for Rebelution, we thought that maybe the Jewish man was going to the show since he was walking the same way (I know, I know, that's generalizing things a bit, but whatever). Alex and I decided to follow the pair (there was also a tall, pale man with a shaved head walking with him), and we'd only been behind them for a minute or two when Alex realized that the tall bald man in front of us was Matisyahu! How exciting! I was wearing my Matisyahu t-shirt and everything, but I didn't believe Alex because I've never seen Matisyahu without hair. I've seen him both bearded and clean-shaven, but never bald. We were still walking behind these men, so I couldn't see their faces, but Alex was certain. She walked over to the tall man and told him that she recognized him and that we were big fans. All he quietly said was, "That's good" and didn't even turn around to look at me. He turned and walked away from us even more quickly than he'd been walking before. When Alex and I finally got through the gates, Matisyahu's companion came over and apologized, telling me that Matisyahu hadn't meant to be rude but that he'd been resting his voice for the show (he was due to go on in fifteen minutes). I told him I understood, but I'll never forget how cold he was compared to his lyrics about love and peace.

His show was good, as usual, and Alex and I still danced and had fun, but at the end of the show, I couldn't help but notice that the group who came onstage to dance during the last song had evolved from an eager bunch of Jewish children to a party of scantily dressed teenage girls, and I couldn't help but feel like Matisyahu has really sold out. By the time Rebelution was half-way through their set we were ready to be away from the giant crowd and away from the noise (our seats were next to the speakers and the music was TOO LOUD!). We went and sat on the water and listened to Rebelution's melodies from afar before leaving early to get dinner. It certainly wasn't Rebelution's fault we didn't have an amazing time, but Matisyahu had kind of killed our mood. The show was good, but if I get bored half-way through and want to leave, there's probably a problem.

9/13: Blue October "Sway" Tour: I've loved Blue October for a long time. I started listening to them back in high school, and they're one of the few bands that have aged well from my musical collection (in my opinion). We got to the concert a little late, but the opening band was really good. East coasters don't really rock out at concerts, but I did see a few dancing and jumping around, so I didn't feel as self-conscious about doing the same. The sound at this venue (The Fillmore in Silver Springs, Maryland) was spectacular. There was a perfect balance in the sound system between the music and vocals, and I didn't feel like my ear drums were going to burst because of the volume. This show was really fun. I loved the electric violin, and they played a few of the older songs that I knew and a few new ones that I grew to quickly love. This was an excellent show.

9/20: Hanson "Anthem" Tour: Holy crap. The opening band (Paul McDonald)? Amazing. He had a way of warming up the crowd that I've rarely seen. So many people were dancing from the beginning that it made it easy to be hyped about Hanson (if we weren't already)... I get it that this crowd would've been excited anyway because of the anticipation (I've never seen Hanson in concert, but I've been a fan since elementary school), but Paul McDonald blew us away. Then, obviously Hanson kicked butt. Like, seriously. They got us excited. They got us dancing. They got us to scream and sing and harmonize and jump just by asking. I haven't been in a crowd that passionate maybe ever. And they were nice. They were happy we were happy. They loved when we cheered. And they were grateful and humble. My mom, sister, and I waited outside of the show after the concert and had a chance to meet Zac. Oh my goodness. He was probably my first celebrity crush (ever), and I got a picture with him. He was sweet to my sister (who was so excited she was shaking), and he signed our cds. If we would've waited, I'm confident we could have gotten all of Hanson's autographs, but it was late and we were exhausted, so we left after meeting Zac. This concert was BY FAR the best and completely blew the other two away.

When Swimming Gets Too Tough

I'm currently doing a delicate dance--one full of complicated steps and twists and balance and poise. I'm dancing because my world is spinning. And if I don't just twirl along with it, who knows what will happen? I may stumble or fall or worse. There will DEFINITELY be tears. Dory from Finding Nemo says, "Just keep swimming," and that's what I'm doing. That's all I can do, some days. And when swimming gets too tough? I lie on my back and float. What else can you do?

This month was full of promise. It was supposed to be different. I had THREE eggs, mature and ready for fertilization. Maybe they did get fertilized? Maybe then something went wrong. Or maybe it just didn't work the same way it just hasn't worked for the past 2 1/2 years. Who knows? Without more thorough testing, my knowledge is limited and leaves much to be desired. The constant letdown is getting to me. This dance is becoming exhausting, tiresome. You can only sustain the facade of optimism for so long before the great shift happens and you feel too jaded to even hope. And losing hope is dangerous when that's all you have.

I have a feeling that the path of infertility has been mine, set in the pre-existence since before I was given this body. I think I sacrificed the countless babies I long to have because I wanted to help others with their own journeys. Like maybe I knew that they needed those little angels more than I did. I long for the day when it'll all make sense. I hope when I die that I'll have an opportunity to remember what this was all about. Because these empty arms and this aching heart just don't get it this month. I hope that when I can see the big picture, at the end of my story, I understand the point behind these years of trials. I really hope this story makes sense from the end.

I'm sorry to disappoint my family and friends, but this girl needs a break. The constant monitoring and worrying and documenting has to stop. I can't keep living this crazily obsessive way. I can't let my desire to become a mother consume my life any more than it already has. I can't maintain this intense obsession. I have no current way of achieving my goal of becoming pregnant, and I'm growing so weary from this long and intricate dance. I'm going to crash if I try to keep this up. I just can't do it right now.

I'll come back to this in a month or two. Instead of bookmarking this chapter, I may start it over completely. I need to get my body and mind healthier in the meantime. I've irrationally put myself on bed rest for the past nine months, hoping that if I didn't move around too much, a baby would stick. As a result, I've gained about 15 pounds and become more depressed than ever. My marriage has suffered. I haven't handled things well. And I think it's time to go back and repair the fragile foundation that is my marriage and my life. Because in the midst of things, my life and love have been neglected, and without repair now, they'll fall apart completely. I hope that makes sense from the outside. It's become glaringly apparent to me recently, and I can ignore it no longer.

Friends, family, I love you. This has been a difficult decision for us at this time, but it's one that I hope you'll respect. And please, for the love of Pete, don't tell me I'll get pregnant now because I've stopped trying. Don't bring it up, actually. I'd rather not talk about my grief right now. Instead, let's focus on Josh's promotion in the Army (that's right, I've got myself a STAFF SERGEANT now!), or let's talk about my path to becoming healthier (I'm planning on losing 30-40 pounds in the next few months). Let's discuss my new job (that I start in one short week) or my callings at church (I hold three!). I am so much more than the face of unexplained infertility. I am not destined to become a vessel of life right now, and that's okay. I'm at peace with that for the moment. Don't make me feel guilty about that. We'll come back to this issue when we're rested and we've got more resources. This is not a retreat--this is merely reinforcing our troops. We want to win this war against infertility, and we have to be facing it with a united front, as a team, and we can't do that if we aren't feeling the love.

I feel like the spinning is slowing down and under control now. This tricky dance will one day be mastered. In the meantime, I'm going to give myself a rest day so that I'll be stronger and more powerful than ever before.

Celebrating a Hero

It's been two weeks since I've posted anything on here! Can you believe it? I've started several posts, but I couldn't help but feel like all I was doing was complaining, so I decided against finishing them. The past two weeks have gone by so fast that it's hard to believe it. Josh went on a motorcycle trip and I went out of town, and then he started school so we've been making the hour-long-trek to Orem every day, and there's hardly been time for anything else. I got a new calling at church (I now have THREE), and I interviewed at a couple of jobs, so I've been busier than ever. And sometimes, while caught up in the obsessive details of infertility, it's good forget about it a little and be busy.

About a week ago, a Draper City law enforcement officer was randomly shot and killed, and Josh and I had the privilege of attending his funeral yesterday. It was really one of the most amazing services I've ever been to. It was held at the Maverik Center in West Valley City, and he was buried at a beautiful cemetery in Draper. The procession of police vehicles trailed all the way from the Maverik Center to the cemetery, with extra cars still in the parking lots at either end. Seeing all of the lights going gave me a sense of camaraderie within the law enforcement community that I've never felt before.

Many people between locations had pulled to the side of the road and stood, watching, as thousands of police vehicles drove past with their lights flashing. The citizens of Draper lined the streets, waving American flags and paying their respects in the ninety degree Utah heat. It made me feel incredibly sad for the police officers since it takes an officer shooting for people to remember that cops are people and that they do so much more than give tickets. When my honey is in his Army uniform, people walk up to him on a regular basis and thank him for his service, but when he's in his police uniform we have to worry about people spitting into our food. The badge makes us a target, whether we're in public or even at home. Seriously, the difference in the way that he's treated is completely shocking. The funeral was really difficult to sit through, but it made things almost okay, having my honey there. I can't help but feel guilty that I still have that luxury while that officer's wife and son do not. I'm always aware that there's a chance of something like this happening in Josh's line of work, but when it actually does happen, it's difficult to handle. It's hard to let my honey go to work, knowing there are people out there who hate him enough to kill him in cold blood. It's hard knowing that there are countless families who have lost their loved ones in the line of duty. If this video doesn't choke you up, then I don't know what will. I'm including some pictures of the services: