Okay, so before I begin this post, I just want to say that I am writing this from a place of love. I am not a bitter person. I have bitter days about this whole infertile journey, but I'm not bitter. I had my IUI a week ago and I'm currently just riding the monthly roller coaster that I've been on for three years. In short, life is good around here right now.
That having been said, all of these blog posts floating around about how "all women are mothers" really need to stop. And here's why: these posts have some fallacies in their arguments that inevitably leave someone feeling left out or in disagreement. Really. Stop patronizing us non-moms. We still have plenty of self-worth and identity in other areas. Don't tell me I have to be a mother when I'm still not part of that club yet. I get it that you're trying to make us feel included. I understand that it's just because you love us and don't want to be sad. But really. Just stop.
My beef starts with how mothers are wonderful for carrying their babies for nine months. I mean, of course this is a selfless sacrifice that many mothers make, but what about all of the women who become mothers through adoption? They don't carry their children in their wombs, but they take care of every other aspect of a child's life. Are they not also true mothers for their late nights cleaning up vomit from their child's bed or poop in the tub? Are they not mothers for the love they have for their children? Should they not receive credit for the hours of helping with homework or the boo-boos they kiss or the time and finances they invest in their children? Of course they are real mothers. They love their babies just as much as the next mother. And it would be ignorant to argue that adopted children do not truly know their mothers' love because they were never inside of their moms. While women who have fulfilled these qualifications are definitely mothers, even if their children have not survived to be mothered, I don't buy this argument in its entirety. This isn't the only path to motherhood.
The next issue I have is with the argument that all women are mothers because all women nurture and love. This article here was undoubtedly written from a place of love, but it leaves much to be desired in its argument. While I agree that most mothers are, by nature, nurturing and loving, motherhood is a club that not all of us women are a part of. Some women choose not to be mothers by choice, and others are in the same boat I'm in where we're stuck at the mercy of medical professionals and the grace of a higher power. In short, we aren't all mothers. We can be teachers, fun aunts, family, friends, or a myriad of other roles within a child's life--but we have never been handed a baby and been able to gaze at it lovingly with the knowledge that we will never have to give it back. We've never delivered a child or adopted one and known that we were mothers, ultimately responsible for the little life in our arms. That's what so many of us want. That's a key aspect of motherhood. We don't have that. That's another reason why we aren't mothers.
These articles have been written from a good place. They've been written in hopes to make some of us left out women feel included on Mother's Day. These don't make us feel included though. It feels fake, hollow, and incomplete. And, here's the thing: we aren't mothers on the other days of the year either and we tend to get along just fine. If you'd like to ease some of the sadness (that some of us may be experiencing) on Mother's Day, ask us what we need. I don't like to have gifts on Mother's Day because I feel like I don't deserve anything. I am not a mother! On Mother's Day, I like to spend time with my own mother. I like to go hiking. I enjoy reading. I'm even working tomorrow. It's not a special day for me this year. Maybe next year I'll have a baby and be in a different place. But this year I'm not. The attempts that everyone makes to have us feel included are sweet, but they make me want to simply remind them that I am not yet a mother and do not need any Mother's Day reminders. End of story.
So, if you gather anything from this post, please remember that those of us without children do not need to hear condescending half-truths. We don't need to be told that we actually are part of this club that we aren't a part of any other time of the year. And it's okay. Birth mothers? You rock. Adoptive mamas? You're amazing. Biological moms? I salute you. Step-moms? Thank you. Foster moms? You make so much more of a difference than you'll ever know. And to any other sort of mother who I've forgotten? I'm sorry. You're raising the future. Thank you for taking the extra time with your little ones and loving them a little more for me. All of society thanks you for taking your role seriously and doing such a good job raising your kids.
Happy Mother's Day.
That having been said, all of these blog posts floating around about how "all women are mothers" really need to stop. And here's why: these posts have some fallacies in their arguments that inevitably leave someone feeling left out or in disagreement. Really. Stop patronizing us non-moms. We still have plenty of self-worth and identity in other areas. Don't tell me I have to be a mother when I'm still not part of that club yet. I get it that you're trying to make us feel included. I understand that it's just because you love us and don't want to be sad. But really. Just stop.
 |
| Does this mean adopted children can never truly understand their mothers' love for them? |
My beef starts with how mothers are wonderful for carrying their babies for nine months. I mean, of course this is a selfless sacrifice that many mothers make, but what about all of the women who become mothers through adoption? They don't carry their children in their wombs, but they take care of every other aspect of a child's life. Are they not also true mothers for their late nights cleaning up vomit from their child's bed or poop in the tub? Are they not mothers for the love they have for their children? Should they not receive credit for the hours of helping with homework or the boo-boos they kiss or the time and finances they invest in their children? Of course they are real mothers. They love their babies just as much as the next mother. And it would be ignorant to argue that adopted children do not truly know their mothers' love because they were never inside of their moms. While women who have fulfilled these qualifications are definitely mothers, even if their children have not survived to be mothered, I don't buy this argument in its entirety. This isn't the only path to motherhood.
The next issue I have is with the argument that all women are mothers because all women nurture and love. This article here was undoubtedly written from a place of love, but it leaves much to be desired in its argument. While I agree that most mothers are, by nature, nurturing and loving, motherhood is a club that not all of us women are a part of. Some women choose not to be mothers by choice, and others are in the same boat I'm in where we're stuck at the mercy of medical professionals and the grace of a higher power. In short, we aren't all mothers. We can be teachers, fun aunts, family, friends, or a myriad of other roles within a child's life--but we have never been handed a baby and been able to gaze at it lovingly with the knowledge that we will never have to give it back. We've never delivered a child or adopted one and known that we were mothers, ultimately responsible for the little life in our arms. That's what so many of us want. That's a key aspect of motherhood. We don't have that. That's another reason why we aren't mothers.
These articles have been written from a good place. They've been written in hopes to make some of us left out women feel included on Mother's Day. These don't make us feel included though. It feels fake, hollow, and incomplete. And, here's the thing: we aren't mothers on the other days of the year either and we tend to get along just fine. If you'd like to ease some of the sadness (that some of us may be experiencing) on Mother's Day, ask us what we need. I don't like to have gifts on Mother's Day because I feel like I don't deserve anything. I am not a mother! On Mother's Day, I like to spend time with my own mother. I like to go hiking. I enjoy reading. I'm even working tomorrow. It's not a special day for me this year. Maybe next year I'll have a baby and be in a different place. But this year I'm not. The attempts that everyone makes to have us feel included are sweet, but they make me want to simply remind them that I am not yet a mother and do not need any Mother's Day reminders. End of story.
So, if you gather anything from this post, please remember that those of us without children do not need to hear condescending half-truths. We don't need to be told that we actually are part of this club that we aren't a part of any other time of the year. And it's okay. Birth mothers? You rock. Adoptive mamas? You're amazing. Biological moms? I salute you. Step-moms? Thank you. Foster moms? You make so much more of a difference than you'll ever know. And to any other sort of mother who I've forgotten? I'm sorry. You're raising the future. Thank you for taking the extra time with your little ones and loving them a little more for me. All of society thanks you for taking your role seriously and doing such a good job raising your kids.
Happy Mother's Day.
No comments:
Post a Comment