A Funny Thing Called Hope

(My "good job not dying during surgery" present that I really needed to have.)

Hope is a funny thing. It's strange how crushed you can feel, how completely devoid of it you can think that you are, but how with the right gust of wind, it can all come right back to you like it was never gone. My hope was tucked into storage for the past few months, or maybe even years, and now it's back in the shape of due dates and baby names and nursery themes. It's back in the front of my mind instead of being tucked away in storage for later. And it feels good to have it out again.

We are on the hunt for a home. We are once again trying to get pregnant. (Well, we will be next month when my body is healed.) We have better chances now, our specialist says. She says that before we only had about a 30-40% chance of conception and that now we have 70-80%. She says it's that much more of a distinct possibility now, and all I can do is cry happy tears and mouth the wordless thanks that have been waiting in my heart for this day. All I've wanted has been answers for these past four years, and now that I have them, I am content. This peaceful happiness may be short-lived as we are still on the hunt for something more, but I will continue the search for homes and positive tests with a calm heart, because I have answers and that's really all I need.

They say that Mercury was in retrograde last month and that it could be the cause for many unpleasantries, but I like to take more ownership of my fate. I don't like the idea of something so much bigger holding my destiny in its hands, be it planets or humans or the big man upstairs. I like to think of myself as in charge of my life so much more than I am. But when it comes down to it, my promotion and successful surgery were both things I've prayed about for months but really were completely beyond my control. And it freaks me out a little that so much of my peace of mind rests within the power of someone else, but it is what it is.

One thing that I hope to never forget is a conversation I had with a coworker shortly after she was married in 2009. She asked when I wanted children, and I told her about our five year plan, and she said that it sounded nice but how, in reality, none of us are really in control of that. In the moment, I thought she was ignorant and that I knew best, but that's a moment I will never forget because she knew something then that it has taken me five years to learn: I am not the boss. God is the boss. And no matter how much I fight or want things to be MY way, things will only happen when it's HIS way. I just hope that our wills are finally both the same thing at the same time, because it would be pretty neat to finally start building my family now. And if not now, at least I've still got that hope dug out of storage, ready to use for the months to come.

Yes, hope is a funny thing, friends. But I'm so grateful to have it.