If you are new to this blog, you may be having a hard time figuring what the heck I'm going on about in my posts. You may be wondering who I am and why I write about so many random topics. So today I'm introducing myself to you. I am LDS (Mormon). I am a police wife. I am an army wife. I am a college graduate and a bookworm. I am a runner. I am learning how to cook and clean and be frugal on our humble earnings. I am struggling with fertility issues, but one day I will be a mother. I suffer from wanderlust. I say suffer because I am too poor these days to do anything about it. My husband and I have been through many different adventures and trials, but we have been married for four years and plan on spending forever together. While all of these labels may seem random, this is my life.
Until I was about 16 1/2, I grew up in Wisconsin. I loved the small town where I lived, and I miss my friends and family there a LOT. When I moved away, I moved to Utah to get to know my family a little better. My parents divorced when I was four, and besides breaks from school and the year of kindergarten I spent in Utah, I didn't really get to grow up with my Utah family. I grew up without a mom. I grew up without five of the seven kids in my family. And it was hard. It was tough knowing that all of the trials I dealt with in Wisconsin could have been different. It was hard knowing I had another family across the country that I wasn't getting a chance to know and love.
When I moved to Utah, I had to get to know everybody. I had to figure out my place and where I fit in with my own family. But I finally had a chance to get to know my older sister. Getting to spend her pregnancy with her was cooler than anything. We had a chance to be closer than ever. I finally had an opportunity to know my little brothers. At five, eight, and eleven, these boys had fun, budding personalities that I grew to appreciate and love. I even got to know my older brother better who would find ways to hang out with me. We went for motorcycle rides and on "dates" for cheap movie night at the dollar theater. I always felt the closest with him out of all my siblings, and living in the same state where he lived was really exciting for me.
After high school, I lived in Hawaii for a few months. It wasn't everything that I thought it would be, but it was a good learning experience for me. And I fell in love with Oahu. I also decided that I was sick of standing by and watching my life happen to me. I wanted to be a more active participant in my own destiny. So I started striking out on my own.
Fast forward a year and I was in my final semester of my Associate's degree at UVU, working at a preschool and dating my husband. We didn't date as long as I thought I would date my husband, but he was in the Army National Guard and was gone a lot for trainings and ATs. In addition, he had expressed a strong desire to attend the Police Academy, and I was sure I would never see him then. We were on completely opposite schedules, and I was worried because I really really liked him. I knew that if I didn't snatch him up quickly, I would likely lose him forever. He proposed to me over Thanksgiving lunch, and we were married two quick months later. Four years later, we are still crazy about each other.
Two years into our marriage, Josh was given the opportunity to deploy to Iraq. He had always wanted to deploy and felt that it was his duty to go at least once while he was in the Army. At that point, he had been in for about eight years and was eager to finally DO something. I could respect that. We had started going back to church together and were preparing to go to the Temple. We were also trying to get pregnant. We fasted and prayed about the deployment, and we felt a strong impression that Josh needed to go. So he went. In the meantime, I went back to Hawaii to spend the deployment with Josh's sister. She and I had found an arrangement where we could nanny and work part time in exchange for room and board. But the "arrangement" was a sham. We were expected to work 13 hour days with no pay. It was ridiculous. We met a neighbor who took pity on us and invited us to stay with her. That was Amanda. I'm pretty sure she is the nicest person in the world for everything that she did for us. She is one of the most sincere, genuine, and caring people I have ever met. She saved us. SIL and I played in Hawaii until the end of August and then flew back to Utah to see family for a month. In October, we flew to Maryland where Amanda had moved, and I spent a month there nannying before Josh came home early! It was a big surprise, but it was very welcome. Alex, my SIL, followed about a month later. We were sad to leave Amanda and her sweet boys, but we were glad to be back in Utah.
This was all just over a year ago. It's so crazy to me that that's all the time that's passed. Since then, I graduated college with a Bachelor's degree in English with an emphasis in literature. Josh and I continued trying to get pregnant, but we haven't had any luck so far. We just got on insurance with his new job at the police department, so once we have enough money saved up to cover co-pays, we will go figure out our fertility issues.
In the past year, I have worked for a residential treatment center as a direct care worker and for an SEO company writing custom content for websites. Sometimes I feel like my skill set is too eclectic to make this blog have an angle that people will actually enjoy, so for now I think I'm going to write about life. Every day is a new adventure for us, and I look forward to sharing my world with you. Thanks for taking the time to read!
Bryn
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Monday, February 25, 2013
Getting Passionate about Life
Remember the days when you were young and naive? Remember the times you were reckless and passionate because the future was open and you could do anything? Remember the freedom of letting go and not being scared because you were giving life everything you had? I remember those days with a passionate curiosity that I've nearly forgotten. Those days really weren't that long ago. So why does it feel like something must have happened to kill that inner wild and free part of me? I think it's part of "growing up." And I hate it.
My favorite risks I have taken in life have been the ones that I took without knowing what the outcome would be. But in the moment of making the decision, I knew exactly what I wanted. Whether it was a person, a job, a home, or whatever, it was a choice that I would stand behind a million times more because I knew at the time that it was right, that it was everything I'd wanted, that I would do anything to make it happen. But making the initial decision isn't the way to make those risks worth it. The only way to make sure you keep living the life you want is by maintaining the same level of commitment and enthusiasm about your decision as you had when you first chose it.
Right now, my passion is having a family. The risk, of course, is getting pregnant. It's a decision I made years ago, and it's something I've been waiting to experience ever since. There have been many months of tears, many months of envying my friends and family, and many months of questioning "why not this time?" And I would be lying if I said that I never gave up. Because there were also many months of pretending that I didn't care and many months of saying that it didn't matter. But each month, with renewed vigor, I try again. And that's how I know this is something worthwhile. After two years of trying, I am still passionate about becoming a mother. I am still enthralled with the idea that one day I will be able to name my own baby and take it home from the hospital with me. One day, when I hold that baby, I won't have to give it back to its mother, because I will be its mother. And until that day, I am going to keep freaking trying. Because that is what life is about. The whole point of life is to have a family, in my opinion. If I get an awesome job one day, that would be cool. If I wrote a novel that sold out around the world, I would love that. But if none of that happens, if one day I'll still be able to have my own little baby, then this life would have been totally worth it.
Ten years ago, my passion was gymnastics. One day it turned into a boy who pretended to love me with the same intensity that I felt about him, and then he broke my heart. But not too long later, my passion was a man who stepped up and followed through on his promises. He kept me for his and will continue to have me through eternity. And one day, hopefully soon, we will add children to our home.
While we all have different passions in our lives, one thing remains the same: they exist. Even if you can't figure out what your passion is at this moment, you should think about it. Because I'll bet there is at least one thought that consumes your mind, one thought that keeps coming back to you. Once you find what you're passionate about, never let it go. This is the secret to happiness. This is the meaning of life. Following your dreams will never disappoint you, because even if you fail, you will never EVER wonder "what if?"
What are your passions? What's your dream? What is the one thing that you want with every piece of you? Comment and share. I'd love to hear it!
Bryn
Sunday, January 27, 2013
Four Years Down, Forever to Go!
This upcoming Wednesday, my honey and I will be celebrating four years of marriage together! I probably say the same thing every year, but it's crazy how fast those four years went! And it's even crazier that it's only been four years because I feel like Joshy has always been a part of my life. I just feel so lucky that through all of our trials and changes that have been going on around here, we are able to still talk about our feelings and how we can continue to improve ourselves and our lives. Our communication skills are still evolving (isn't that key to keeping each other happy?), and I am so glad, because we still have lots of things that we need to communicate to each other. Communication is number one in our marriage. Maybe because we met in a communications class. :) Honestly though, four years feels like a big achievement. We have already seen marriages fail in shorter lengths of time. I feel so lucky that I have a husband who works as hard as he does to invest in our happiness. I put a lot of effort into this too, but I'm glad I'm not in my marriage alone, you know?
I'm really excited about this anniversary. Some years I haven't known what to do for gifts, but this year I borrowed an idea from my cute sister-in-law and made Josh something I think he will really love! I can't tell you what it is just yet, but I'm excited to show you after Wednesday. One stinky thing about our anniversary this year is that we aren't rich enough to do much of anything. We were going to stay at the Anniversary Inn in Salt Lake like we have in the past (but not next year--we are saving up for Hawaii!), but because of the move and the way all of our paychecks have worked out so far, we just don't have the money to go stay anywhere besides our house. I sure hope I can come up with something fun for us to do at home! Maybe we will go have an adventure in the mountains or visit Salt Lake and go out to a fancy dinner. I heard La Jolla Groves opened a new restaurant there, and we had an amazing experience when we visited their Provo location a few months ago. Whatever we do, I'm sure it will be special. Josh always knows how to make things special for us.
In other news, I have recently found myself with unending spare time due to our recent move to the middle of nowhere! Okay, it's not totally out there, but when you have to drive at least 30 miles to get to the nearest mall, you sure are out there! Anyway, Josh just got a full-time job with the police department where he has been a reserve officer for the past year, so we packed up our house and moved! So far it's been kind of tough being away from so much of my family, but I am feeling so blessed to have so much time to write now! I've started working on my first book (like barely started), and I'm thinking this blog thing can definitely become more than a super part-time hobby (if I can get people to read it and like it!), so I feel like I have my options open.
Another big deal is that this month marks two years since we began trying to conceive a baby. Maybe that's TMI, but it's truth. Remember, Josh was also gone for six months in 2011, so we lost those months, but that would still put us at 18 months of trying with no luck. It's hard to stay positive sometimes. Some months are harder than others. As time passes, it's getting easier for me to be genuinely happy for others when they announce their joyful news. I'm not sure if I'm more at peace with our situation or if I'm just not feeling as bitter about it, but in the past five months something has changed within me. Good news though: we start health insurance on February first! I am confident that we are going to be able to find out what our issues are and what we need to do to get this baby train going. I'm really excited to FINALLY be able to get the help we must need, but I'm really nervous too. I'm worried the doctors won't be able to figure out what's wrong with me. I'm nervous that treatments won't work for us. I'm even a little nervous that I'll finally have a baby and I won't find fulfillment in motherhood. There are so many emotions that go into it, honestly. And with my best friends all talking about when they will start trying, it makes me feel a little more pressure because I would LOVE to have kids close to their children's ages. Maybe we haven't had any luck up until now because there's a special baby waiting to come to us who needs us to be on health insurance first. Who knows? I just can't wait to meet him/her!
In other news, in December I freaking graduated college! I now have my Bachelor's degree in English with an emphasis in Literature. Not that it's a SUPER huge deal, but that has definitely been one of my lifetime goals. I have cousins who have degrees, but I am the first in my immediate family to finish a college education. I can't wait to walk in April and wear the cap and gown. Maybe one day I'll go back for my teaching certificate or my Master's degree, but I have no set plans for right now. I'm mostly just excited to get to work on my book and be a mom (whenever that happens). My goal with my degree was to study the greatest authors in literature so that I could learn to adopt their methods and incorporate them into my own writing. We will see how that goes once this book is finished, but I'm optimistic that I've learned a thing or two. I think that it's important to continue reading though. I have noticed that I'm not as inspired as I felt when I was reading more. I guess I will start doing that soon!
Anyway, I think that's about all that I've got for right now. This is just an update on life in general, but I promise I will start writing more soon! I really do have enough time for it these days! Thanks for reading my blog. Share it if you liked it, and come back soon for new posts!
I'm really excited about this anniversary. Some years I haven't known what to do for gifts, but this year I borrowed an idea from my cute sister-in-law and made Josh something I think he will really love! I can't tell you what it is just yet, but I'm excited to show you after Wednesday. One stinky thing about our anniversary this year is that we aren't rich enough to do much of anything. We were going to stay at the Anniversary Inn in Salt Lake like we have in the past (but not next year--we are saving up for Hawaii!), but because of the move and the way all of our paychecks have worked out so far, we just don't have the money to go stay anywhere besides our house. I sure hope I can come up with something fun for us to do at home! Maybe we will go have an adventure in the mountains or visit Salt Lake and go out to a fancy dinner. I heard La Jolla Groves opened a new restaurant there, and we had an amazing experience when we visited their Provo location a few months ago. Whatever we do, I'm sure it will be special. Josh always knows how to make things special for us.
In other news, I have recently found myself with unending spare time due to our recent move to the middle of nowhere! Okay, it's not totally out there, but when you have to drive at least 30 miles to get to the nearest mall, you sure are out there! Anyway, Josh just got a full-time job with the police department where he has been a reserve officer for the past year, so we packed up our house and moved! So far it's been kind of tough being away from so much of my family, but I am feeling so blessed to have so much time to write now! I've started working on my first book (like barely started), and I'm thinking this blog thing can definitely become more than a super part-time hobby (if I can get people to read it and like it!), so I feel like I have my options open.
Another big deal is that this month marks two years since we began trying to conceive a baby. Maybe that's TMI, but it's truth. Remember, Josh was also gone for six months in 2011, so we lost those months, but that would still put us at 18 months of trying with no luck. It's hard to stay positive sometimes. Some months are harder than others. As time passes, it's getting easier for me to be genuinely happy for others when they announce their joyful news. I'm not sure if I'm more at peace with our situation or if I'm just not feeling as bitter about it, but in the past five months something has changed within me. Good news though: we start health insurance on February first! I am confident that we are going to be able to find out what our issues are and what we need to do to get this baby train going. I'm really excited to FINALLY be able to get the help we must need, but I'm really nervous too. I'm worried the doctors won't be able to figure out what's wrong with me. I'm nervous that treatments won't work for us. I'm even a little nervous that I'll finally have a baby and I won't find fulfillment in motherhood. There are so many emotions that go into it, honestly. And with my best friends all talking about when they will start trying, it makes me feel a little more pressure because I would LOVE to have kids close to their children's ages. Maybe we haven't had any luck up until now because there's a special baby waiting to come to us who needs us to be on health insurance first. Who knows? I just can't wait to meet him/her!
In other news, in December I freaking graduated college! I now have my Bachelor's degree in English with an emphasis in Literature. Not that it's a SUPER huge deal, but that has definitely been one of my lifetime goals. I have cousins who have degrees, but I am the first in my immediate family to finish a college education. I can't wait to walk in April and wear the cap and gown. Maybe one day I'll go back for my teaching certificate or my Master's degree, but I have no set plans for right now. I'm mostly just excited to get to work on my book and be a mom (whenever that happens). My goal with my degree was to study the greatest authors in literature so that I could learn to adopt their methods and incorporate them into my own writing. We will see how that goes once this book is finished, but I'm optimistic that I've learned a thing or two. I think that it's important to continue reading though. I have noticed that I'm not as inspired as I felt when I was reading more. I guess I will start doing that soon!
Anyway, I think that's about all that I've got for right now. This is just an update on life in general, but I promise I will start writing more soon! I really do have enough time for it these days! Thanks for reading my blog. Share it if you liked it, and come back soon for new posts!
Monday, April 30, 2012
Post-Hiatus Catch-up
Hello world! Boy have I missed the blogging world. And I won't lie--I feel like a bit of a failure for dropping this from my life as quickly and carelessly as I did. Honestly, I wrote an amazing post about my Ewa Beach First Ward family, and it somehow got erased, which totally made me hate this stupid blogger for about six months... So I'm back now!
Well, while I was gone, the war in Iraq ended, meaning my honey came home! He was actually home for Veteran's Day, but I was in NYC for the weekend with my favorite sister from another mister, the one and only Alex! I'm pretty sure she and I did anything you can in 24 hours in the big apple. But those pictures are for another day. Playing super catch-up would discourage me from getting back into blogging. So I won't. I had a ton of fun living with Amanda and nannying for her little boys. I miss those boys every day, and I miss Amanda even more.
Let's talk for a second about Amanda. How many people do you know who would just take in two random girls off from the streets (basically) and let them stay with her ALL summer for free? And then invite them to move to Maryland and nanny for her children? Seriously? I think Amanda might have been my guardian angel sent to me this summer to make sure I didn't commit a murder (on Diana, not Alex!). But I will forever be indebted to Amanda for everything she did for us. I really don't know how I would have gotten through this whole deployment without her. Sometimes in life you meet people who you KNOW must have been put into your path for an important reason. Amanda fits that all the way. If Josh hadn't come home when he did, I probably would have just stayed with Amanda forever (or for as long as I was welcome!) because I loved living with her that much. Anyway, one day I'm going to pay her back for her incredible, life-changing kindness. I just don't quite know how just yet.
So, since returning to good ol' Utah, I took an amazing two-month-long vacation from EVERYTHING and spent many MANY days with my Joshua. A little before Christmas we realized we were getting poor again though, so Joshy went back to work. Our standards of living had to shrink again a bit because we were so used to having money, but we managed. The semester came and we both returned to school. I'm not going to lie--it might have been one of my worst semesters.
First of all, Kelsey had her baby, named Kimora Briell, and my mom and I went out for a visit. Oh my goodness--Brooklyn is SO big and beautiful and amazing! She is the sweetest little girl in the world. Kelsey and baby Kim were doing great too, just very tired still.
After spending a few days in Wisco, Mom and I returned home, only to have my mom's step-dad die a few days later. So off we went to a funeral in northern Idaho. I (surprisingly) got a lot of closure from that trip that I didn't even know I still needed. Apparently a person is able to build up a lot of resentment to someone they never really knew. By going to the funeral, I was able to see how deeply my granddad was loved, and how much more complex of a person he was than I thought. And it made me think a lot about my own trials in life and how if someone judged me as fiercely as I had judged him, it wouldn't be anyone's problem but theirs. And who am I to decide what he had all worked out before he died? I hope that he was able to straighten everything out with the big man upstairs before he died, but if he didn't, that's too bad for him, because his trials on this earth are something so huge that I could not even comprehend. It's hard to build empathy for something you don't understand, but it isn't impossible. That's what I learned anyway.
The semester was going all right school-wise, but Joshy and I were struggling financially big time. We didn't end up receiving the benefits we usually get from the Veteran's benefits, resulting in our having to pay for half of Josh's school--something we were NOT anticipating. $1,000ish later, school was paid for and we were significantly less afloat than expected. This continued throughout the month of March, and finally I got tired of Josh's griping that I wasn't contributing enough to money (without his saying that, but with his endless suggestions that I go find myself a job...). So at the beginning of April I decided I needed a job. I applied on Tuesday night for a position at a residential facility for teenage female sex-offenders. I was a little nervous, but I submitted my resume and waited. The next morning I already had received an email from the home supervisor asking me to come in and interview that day or the next. I interviewed Thursday and started work on Friday!
I felt out the job for a few days and decided that I love it! I have been working at this facility ever since, and so far I feel like I've gotten to know several of the girls pretty well. We even have a girl leaving the program tomorrow. I am a little sad that she's leaving, but only because I don't really think that she's ready to be out in the real world, as an adult. She would rather put the moves on her younger peers and play video games all day long. I feel sorry for her, because as an adult, she is going to have a rude awakening. Hopefully she is successful instead. I'm all for that.
Work has been a fun distraction from homework and the monotony of childless life, which is exactly what I needed. Many people don't know that Josh and I started trying to get pregnant about six months before his deployment, only to find out that it will not be that easy for us. Six months post-deployment and we still have not had a positive pregnancy test. It wears on me big-time, especially when my crass family members ask me if kids are not my "thing" or act like I think I'm too good to have kids. I laugh it off and say that we are getting through school first, but really it just hasn't happened because it's not our time to make a baby just yet. Waiting is excruciating some months. That's why I really needed a job. I needed something to take my mind off of my feelings of failure every month. I needed an environment where I could socialize with people who weren't asking me about my periods every few days. And this home does just that. I love it for the fact that I never have to worry about the girls asking about me. Because they are teenagers, and they really just don't care about anybody but themselves. And I'm okay with that.
Anyway, that's life right now, in a nutshell. Joshy and I just celebrating our anniversary of being sealed in the temple on Saturday, and I feel like life just keeps getting better. I would like to visit the temple more often though, because I feel like we don't go often enough. But that happens when you work completely opposite schedules and only see each other during the day for about fifteen minutes. It'll get better, I'm sure. Oh, and we are the proud carriers of the calling of Sunbeam teachers at church! We freaking love our 16(ish?) Sunbeams. They really do brighten up my week and make me miss teaching preschool. Maybe I'll start doing that again too, one day.
But for today, that's it. Over and out.
Well, while I was gone, the war in Iraq ended, meaning my honey came home! He was actually home for Veteran's Day, but I was in NYC for the weekend with my favorite sister from another mister, the one and only Alex! I'm pretty sure she and I did anything you can in 24 hours in the big apple. But those pictures are for another day. Playing super catch-up would discourage me from getting back into blogging. So I won't. I had a ton of fun living with Amanda and nannying for her little boys. I miss those boys every day, and I miss Amanda even more.
Let's talk for a second about Amanda. How many people do you know who would just take in two random girls off from the streets (basically) and let them stay with her ALL summer for free? And then invite them to move to Maryland and nanny for her children? Seriously? I think Amanda might have been my guardian angel sent to me this summer to make sure I didn't commit a murder (on Diana, not Alex!). But I will forever be indebted to Amanda for everything she did for us. I really don't know how I would have gotten through this whole deployment without her. Sometimes in life you meet people who you KNOW must have been put into your path for an important reason. Amanda fits that all the way. If Josh hadn't come home when he did, I probably would have just stayed with Amanda forever (or for as long as I was welcome!) because I loved living with her that much. Anyway, one day I'm going to pay her back for her incredible, life-changing kindness. I just don't quite know how just yet.
So, since returning to good ol' Utah, I took an amazing two-month-long vacation from EVERYTHING and spent many MANY days with my Joshua. A little before Christmas we realized we were getting poor again though, so Joshy went back to work. Our standards of living had to shrink again a bit because we were so used to having money, but we managed. The semester came and we both returned to school. I'm not going to lie--it might have been one of my worst semesters.
First of all, Kelsey had her baby, named Kimora Briell, and my mom and I went out for a visit. Oh my goodness--Brooklyn is SO big and beautiful and amazing! She is the sweetest little girl in the world. Kelsey and baby Kim were doing great too, just very tired still.
After spending a few days in Wisco, Mom and I returned home, only to have my mom's step-dad die a few days later. So off we went to a funeral in northern Idaho. I (surprisingly) got a lot of closure from that trip that I didn't even know I still needed. Apparently a person is able to build up a lot of resentment to someone they never really knew. By going to the funeral, I was able to see how deeply my granddad was loved, and how much more complex of a person he was than I thought. And it made me think a lot about my own trials in life and how if someone judged me as fiercely as I had judged him, it wouldn't be anyone's problem but theirs. And who am I to decide what he had all worked out before he died? I hope that he was able to straighten everything out with the big man upstairs before he died, but if he didn't, that's too bad for him, because his trials on this earth are something so huge that I could not even comprehend. It's hard to build empathy for something you don't understand, but it isn't impossible. That's what I learned anyway.
The semester was going all right school-wise, but Joshy and I were struggling financially big time. We didn't end up receiving the benefits we usually get from the Veteran's benefits, resulting in our having to pay for half of Josh's school--something we were NOT anticipating. $1,000ish later, school was paid for and we were significantly less afloat than expected. This continued throughout the month of March, and finally I got tired of Josh's griping that I wasn't contributing enough to money (without his saying that, but with his endless suggestions that I go find myself a job...). So at the beginning of April I decided I needed a job. I applied on Tuesday night for a position at a residential facility for teenage female sex-offenders. I was a little nervous, but I submitted my resume and waited. The next morning I already had received an email from the home supervisor asking me to come in and interview that day or the next. I interviewed Thursday and started work on Friday!
I felt out the job for a few days and decided that I love it! I have been working at this facility ever since, and so far I feel like I've gotten to know several of the girls pretty well. We even have a girl leaving the program tomorrow. I am a little sad that she's leaving, but only because I don't really think that she's ready to be out in the real world, as an adult. She would rather put the moves on her younger peers and play video games all day long. I feel sorry for her, because as an adult, she is going to have a rude awakening. Hopefully she is successful instead. I'm all for that.
Work has been a fun distraction from homework and the monotony of childless life, which is exactly what I needed. Many people don't know that Josh and I started trying to get pregnant about six months before his deployment, only to find out that it will not be that easy for us. Six months post-deployment and we still have not had a positive pregnancy test. It wears on me big-time, especially when my crass family members ask me if kids are not my "thing" or act like I think I'm too good to have kids. I laugh it off and say that we are getting through school first, but really it just hasn't happened because it's not our time to make a baby just yet. Waiting is excruciating some months. That's why I really needed a job. I needed something to take my mind off of my feelings of failure every month. I needed an environment where I could socialize with people who weren't asking me about my periods every few days. And this home does just that. I love it for the fact that I never have to worry about the girls asking about me. Because they are teenagers, and they really just don't care about anybody but themselves. And I'm okay with that.
Anyway, that's life right now, in a nutshell. Joshy and I just celebrating our anniversary of being sealed in the temple on Saturday, and I feel like life just keeps getting better. I would like to visit the temple more often though, because I feel like we don't go often enough. But that happens when you work completely opposite schedules and only see each other during the day for about fifteen minutes. It'll get better, I'm sure. Oh, and we are the proud carriers of the calling of Sunbeam teachers at church! We freaking love our 16(ish?) Sunbeams. They really do brighten up my week and make me miss teaching preschool. Maybe I'll start doing that again too, one day.
But for today, that's it. Over and out.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
I am a child of God
The LDS temple in Laie, Hawaii on Oahu.
Sunday is my favorite day of the week.
It's a day that I allow myself to rest, meditate, and have lots of long conversations with family.
Since December of last year, I've also been using Sundays for church. If you know me well, you know that this is a big change from how I used to be, and before I get into the activities of my first Sunday in Hawaii, I'd like to take a second to share my conversion story with you, because it's pretty cool.
I was raised to be a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. If I don't explain anything well enough for you, or you have more questions that I don't answer in my blog, feel free to visit the church's official websites: http://www.lds.org or http://www.mormon.org. You're always welcome to ask me any questions you have about my religion, but please PLEASE remember that I am just one member of this church. I am not a spokesperson, and I certainly am not speaking on behalf of the entire church in anything that I say. This is just my story and my opinions..
I went to church every Sunday, growing up. When I was eight, the age of accountability, I chose to be baptized as a member of the church. That's right, in my church we don't baptize infants, but we baptize eight-year-olds. We do this because we don't believe in original sin. We believe that by the time a child is eight, they are mature enough to know right from wrong and can decide for themselves if they would like to be baptized. Anyway, I was baptized, and we continued going to church for about another year after that. At the end of third grade, we moved about thirty miles north of where we had been living. I'm not sure if distance was the real reason why we stopped going to church, but we did. We went long enough for my little sister to be baptized when she was nine, but we didn't continue going to our church meetings or activities during the week. By the time I turned twelve, I had a lot of questions about church, mortality, and God. My parents didn't have answers, and I didn't have many other resources, so I formed my own beliefs all by myself.
A few months before I turned fifteen, my father got into some legal trouble. In order to avoid going to prison, my father decided that, in addition to getting our entire family counseling, it was time for us to return to church. In short, I was resentful of my father's decision, and I turned my anger toward the church. The only reason why I kept going to church was because I had some really amazing friends who I'd met there. My friends always greeted me with smiles, hugs, and unconditional love. They always made me feel more welcome than I ever felt anywhere else. They were amazing.
When I was nearly seventeen, because of my deteriorating relationship with my father, I moved to Utah to live with my mom and step-dad. At this point, my testimony (what I believe to be true about my church) was very shaky. I was still going back and forth about the existence of God. I continued attending church until I was almost nineteen, but I didn't believe in most of it.
Then, I took a few years off. I initially planned on using my extra time to meditate, study, and learn the truth for myself. Instead, I grew neutral about religion and spirituality. I decided that there is no way to know for sure in this life, so what was the point of even trying? I stopped attending any church services. I stopped doing the things I had been taught were right. Somehow I ended up with a really amazing husband. He wasn't indifferent to religion, but he was extremely lazy, and he joined me at home most Sundays.
One day in the fall of 2010, I attended church with my in-laws. I was sitting in Relief Society (the class for adult women) and the lesson was about patience. Suddenly, it occurred to me that church is like school for how to be a good person. I realized how arrogant I had been for thinking that I didn't need to learn anything about being a better person. My new question was, "Who doesn't need church?" I'd had this epiphany and told my husband about it, but we didn't act on it. A few weeks later in December, I finally told him that we were going back to church and that was that. Even though my honey had drill the next day for the Army, I went to church by myself anyway. As soon as I got there, I knew I had made the right choice. I felt the spirit so strongly over the course of the next few weeks that I knew I needed to go to the temple. Joshua and I have always been the "go big or go home" type, so with going back to church, we also decided to take Temple Preparation classes so that we could be brought up to speed about temples and ultimately be sealed to each other.
The sealing ordinance in our church is really cool. This is what sets my religion apart from many others. We believe that after death, we can be reunited with our loved ones who also chose to be sealed. We also conduct sealings in proxy for people who have died. This means that the deceased person we perform the work for can decide on the other side if they choose to accept the work done for them. Anyway, it's awesome because this is how my family can be together again one day.
On April 28, 2011, Joshua and I were sealed in the Bountiful temple. This means that we are stuck together for an eternity, not just this life. This also means that when we have children, they will already be automatically sealed to us.
My road back to religion and spirituality was long and full of lots of potholes, but I'm back for good, and I love it. In my next post, I'll talk about how amazing my ward was in Hawaii and why I would go all the way back to Ewa Beach First Ward just to be with them again.
Monday, September 26, 2011
Swap Meets, Waikiki Beach, and a Fun Surprise
By the time Saturday finally rolled around, I felt like I'd been at Diana's house for a year. Alex and I still didn't know how we were getting out, exactly, but we had the entire weekend to brainstorm. On Friday night, before Diana and Christian had gone on a date (and left us home to babysit for an additional four hours), Alex and I had planned to leave the house early with Diana to go to the swap meet. By early, I mean like six thirty in the morning. Diana wanted good deals, and Alex and I wanted to be on the beach early so that we would have lots of time in the sun.
By the time we were supposed to be leaving, however, Alex and I still hadn't managed to drag ourselves out of bed. We were so exhausted from doing EVERYTHING in the house that we just kept right on sleeping. Sometime before seven, Diana came into our room and woke us up, telling us how lazy we were for sleeping so late... I promise, the irony was not lost on me. We threw our stuff together, packing beach gear and clothes for after the beach, and we left.
Leaving Iroquois Point (our gated community) was heaven. Even though it was early, we turned up the music loud and rolled our windows all the way down. That's when it hit me -- maybe Diana felt just as stuck as we did. Maybe that's why she was so belligerent and hostile toward the world. Maybe it was all just about feeling trapped. I stared at her from the backseat of her BMW and wondered why she insisted on having children when that was clearly not making her happy. And then I had an epiphany that was even better: I didn't care. I didn't care why she had chosen to create the life for herself that she had. All I cared about was that she quit making my life a contentious place to be.
Alex, Diana and I shopped the swap meet for about an hour, but the swap meet that Diana had taken us to was not at the Aloha Stadium, so it was small and exactly what we on the mainland would call a "garage sale." I'm not much for shopping the "gently" used items, but Alex was able to find a Power Puff Girls backpack that was really cute. Diana just shopped for her daughter-to-be. I was bored and ready for the beach.
Eventually we finished circling the tents, so Alex and I got some cash from a nearby ATM and then hopped on the bus. We weren't really sure how to get where we were going, but we were so stoked to go! After a $2.50, a few wrong buses, and sweet bus drivers who gave us extra transfers, we finally made it to Waikiki. The only problem was that there was a parade going on down the strip, so Alex and I had to navigate our way to the beach. Luckily we met a sweet local boy, named Jon, who instantly fell in love with Alex and (after exchanging numbers) guided us to the beach across the street.
By the time we were supposed to be leaving, however, Alex and I still hadn't managed to drag ourselves out of bed. We were so exhausted from doing EVERYTHING in the house that we just kept right on sleeping. Sometime before seven, Diana came into our room and woke us up, telling us how lazy we were for sleeping so late... I promise, the irony was not lost on me. We threw our stuff together, packing beach gear and clothes for after the beach, and we left.
Leaving Iroquois Point (our gated community) was heaven. Even though it was early, we turned up the music loud and rolled our windows all the way down. That's when it hit me -- maybe Diana felt just as stuck as we did. Maybe that's why she was so belligerent and hostile toward the world. Maybe it was all just about feeling trapped. I stared at her from the backseat of her BMW and wondered why she insisted on having children when that was clearly not making her happy. And then I had an epiphany that was even better: I didn't care. I didn't care why she had chosen to create the life for herself that she had. All I cared about was that she quit making my life a contentious place to be.
Alex, Diana and I shopped the swap meet for about an hour, but the swap meet that Diana had taken us to was not at the Aloha Stadium, so it was small and exactly what we on the mainland would call a "garage sale." I'm not much for shopping the "gently" used items, but Alex was able to find a Power Puff Girls backpack that was really cute. Diana just shopped for her daughter-to-be. I was bored and ready for the beach.
Eventually we finished circling the tents, so Alex and I got some cash from a nearby ATM and then hopped on the bus. We weren't really sure how to get where we were going, but we were so stoked to go! After a $2.50, a few wrong buses, and sweet bus drivers who gave us extra transfers, we finally made it to Waikiki. The only problem was that there was a parade going on down the strip, so Alex and I had to navigate our way to the beach. Luckily we met a sweet local boy, named Jon, who instantly fell in love with Alex and (after exchanging numbers) guided us to the beach across the street.
Waikiki Beach!
Me at Waikiki Beach for the first time! I am pale here, but SO excited!
Waikiki beach surprised me. I normally can't handle tourists, and I like to take the path less traveled while playing tourist, but the camaraderie was so existent between the other beach-goers and me that I didn't mind that I was probably swimming in mostly washed off sunblock and pee. Maybe it was the fact that I was finally getting a break from the crazy contention of Diana's house, or maybe it was just that I was finally around other sane people again, but I felt so freaking happy to be around other people! The waves of Waikiki weren't crazy huge like those of the north shore, but they were fun enough in a tame, wave pool kind of way. The sand (imported from Kawaii, if Google taught me correctly) was hot on the bottoms of my feet, and that heat pulsed through my whole body until I had no choice but to jump into the cool waves.
After playing at the beach for a few hours, Alex and I went to the mall to change into dry clothes, and Alex surprised me with tickets to the Republik Music Festival! I was so tired from getting up so early and being in the sun and water all day, and it was such a perfect surprise! I didn't know who any of the bands were, but I was so excited to be cultured! There are few things I love more in life than Hawaii and music, and the fact that Alex combined my two loves just proves how awesome of a sister-in-law she is!
You probably can't tell, but there are a TON of people behind us, and we are in the very front row!
We were lucky enough to watch The Throwdowns from Maui, The Green, The Dirty Heads, Rebelution, and Matisyahu. I know most people were there to see Steel Pulse, but by the time they were due to come on, we only had ten minutes to run to the closest bus stop so that we would make it home that night. Am I disappointed we missed Steel Pulse? Heck no. I had so much fun that it didn't matter to me.
Even though emotionally I was going through a lot that week with saying goodbye to Joshua for who knows how long, meeting Diana, and being in a semi-new place, that Saturday was the best. If you want to hear some great island music, check out those bands, and you will be in heaven.
Friday, September 23, 2011
Risk
Friday morning I awoke earlier than Alex and had the boys downstairs eating oatmeal before she was even out of bed. Even though I had only met Ohlin and Ash the day before, they didn't seem bothered that I was the person to unlock their door and let them out of their bedroom. We ate breakfast and the boys enjoyed their freshly changed diapers. We weren't up for long before Alex joined us, and our morning was spent a lot like the morning before: walking, wading in the ocean, and watching the babies play at the park. While the babies played, Alex and I discussed the progress we'd made the night before in searching for a new home, and we worried about how we would find jobs. I just knew that if I could hold on until the fifteenth, I would be able to do anything we needed with money--I just had to wait.
When we returned home, the boys were hungry and starting to feel tired, so we fed them a snack and turned on some cartoons for them to watch for a little while. Normally I would NEVER let the TV do my job, but when I am paid $0 to work a 65 hour week, I am willing to slack off a smidge. Diana and Christian were awake anyway, and were welcome to interact with their children if they wanted them doing something else. Alex and I went up to our bedroom and continued our search for new jobs and a new home. We filled out applications for nanny agencies and wrote emails to people with rooms for rent. We saved phone numbers to call after we put the boys to bed (so that Diana wouldn't hear us) and calculated how much we could afford to pay for rent. Our plans to leave were starting to become a reality.
Around 10:00 Alex received a text from Diana, telling her to be in Diana's room in ten minutes. As soon as Alex told me, my stomach dropped and I started feeling sick the way I used to when I would get in trouble as a kid. I couldn't help but wonder what Diana was going to say. All I wanted to say to Diana was that I couldn't stand her and that I wanted out. I wanted to tell her how messed up it is that she misled us with her job description before we had flown to Hawaii. I wanted to tell her her parenting skills were bordering along the lines of neglect. But I sat in my room and waited.
Eventually Diana came out and told me to come into her room. She and Christian sat on their bed, and Alex was sitting on the floor. I joined Alex and looked up at the couple on their bed. Diana was still wearing her pajamas, she hadn't bathed, and her hair was still curly from the beach the day before. Christian had a tired face, but he also had a resolve and confidence that I recognized in myself from when I've stood up for someone. Then they opened their mouths.
Diana began by telling me that she didn't appreciate the way I had undermined her parenting the day before. I expected that. She continued by saying that she is the mom, so she gets to decide what happens to her kids. Even though she wanted Alex and me to raise her children she still wanted to call the shots? I didn't ask. I was angry that someone like foul-mouthed Diana was my "employer" and had any power over me and that she could control my life.
I wanted to tell her off and leave. But I had no money to go home, and I had nowhere else to stay. So I listened. I considered that maybe the way I had said some things were rude. And I said so. But I also told her that as a trained childcare provider with the credentials I have, it would have been morally wrong for me to let her leave her unbuckled two-year-old on the floor of her car. I didn't care what she as a parent did, but I did care about what I as a nanny was asked to do.
I'm not sure she understood, because she then picked my character apart further by informing me that I am "rude" and "unfriendly." Christian told me that I "bring a bad vibe into (their) home." Even though from the time I had arrived, Diana had been the only person to talk besides our exchange in the car the day before, obviously I was the problem. They said this, but I had to wonder how much of the animosity between us was simply because Alex preferred to spend time with me over Diana. I knew that Diana just wanted friends, and she was probably mostly just jealous that Alex and I were the ones who weren't stuck with her life. I didn't say anything though. I was proud of myself for letting her say her piece, even if it was to tell me that they didn't like me at all and that I bring bad feelings into their home.
The logical solution? Diana and Christian told Alex and me that we were going to "fix" it by playing a board game.
We weren't even given a break to process our exchange. We were immediately herded into the kitchen to play a game. Alex didn't like their games that she had already played, so Christian pulled out Risk, and even though I knew that was a long game, I agreed to play.
Three hours later, after Diana finally beat the game, Ohlin and Ash had been given enough snack to leave crunched up crackers smeared onto every square inch of the living room, taken out every single toy and scattered them around the house, been put down for a nap without lunch, and had been completely ignored at the request of their parents so that we could play a game. Not only that, but an hour of Alex and my "break time" had been used, so we had less time until the kids would be awake. I was so frustrated that I could scream!
The logical thing to do would be to leave so that Alex and I could discuss the events of the morning in private, right? Well, when Alex and I told Diana we were going to the beach, she acted so bummed out that Alex invited her to come (even though she told us every day how much she hated the beach and the sun, which was why we were going). The cool thing about Diana coming with us is that she told Christian to be in charge of the boys. That meant that we could stay longer because we didn't need to be back when Ohlin and Ash woke up. We stayed until around four and then went home to shower. Then Diana said she needed to go to the store, and she invited us to come. I didn't really want to hang out with Diana, but I knew that if I went I could get out of the house, so I tagged along.
Riding to the store was great. We turned the music up loud and rolled down the windows to enjoy the Hawaiian breeze. Even though Diana was still shockingly offensive every time I turned my head, I was starting to relax and enjoy my vacation. I knew that the next week would be difficult, but I also knew I could survive it.
When we returned home, the boys were hungry and starting to feel tired, so we fed them a snack and turned on some cartoons for them to watch for a little while. Normally I would NEVER let the TV do my job, but when I am paid $0 to work a 65 hour week, I am willing to slack off a smidge. Diana and Christian were awake anyway, and were welcome to interact with their children if they wanted them doing something else. Alex and I went up to our bedroom and continued our search for new jobs and a new home. We filled out applications for nanny agencies and wrote emails to people with rooms for rent. We saved phone numbers to call after we put the boys to bed (so that Diana wouldn't hear us) and calculated how much we could afford to pay for rent. Our plans to leave were starting to become a reality.
Around 10:00 Alex received a text from Diana, telling her to be in Diana's room in ten minutes. As soon as Alex told me, my stomach dropped and I started feeling sick the way I used to when I would get in trouble as a kid. I couldn't help but wonder what Diana was going to say. All I wanted to say to Diana was that I couldn't stand her and that I wanted out. I wanted to tell her how messed up it is that she misled us with her job description before we had flown to Hawaii. I wanted to tell her her parenting skills were bordering along the lines of neglect. But I sat in my room and waited.
Eventually Diana came out and told me to come into her room. She and Christian sat on their bed, and Alex was sitting on the floor. I joined Alex and looked up at the couple on their bed. Diana was still wearing her pajamas, she hadn't bathed, and her hair was still curly from the beach the day before. Christian had a tired face, but he also had a resolve and confidence that I recognized in myself from when I've stood up for someone. Then they opened their mouths.
Diana began by telling me that she didn't appreciate the way I had undermined her parenting the day before. I expected that. She continued by saying that she is the mom, so she gets to decide what happens to her kids. Even though she wanted Alex and me to raise her children she still wanted to call the shots? I didn't ask. I was angry that someone like foul-mouthed Diana was my "employer" and had any power over me and that she could control my life.
I wanted to tell her off and leave. But I had no money to go home, and I had nowhere else to stay. So I listened. I considered that maybe the way I had said some things were rude. And I said so. But I also told her that as a trained childcare provider with the credentials I have, it would have been morally wrong for me to let her leave her unbuckled two-year-old on the floor of her car. I didn't care what she as a parent did, but I did care about what I as a nanny was asked to do.
I'm not sure she understood, because she then picked my character apart further by informing me that I am "rude" and "unfriendly." Christian told me that I "bring a bad vibe into (their) home." Even though from the time I had arrived, Diana had been the only person to talk besides our exchange in the car the day before, obviously I was the problem. They said this, but I had to wonder how much of the animosity between us was simply because Alex preferred to spend time with me over Diana. I knew that Diana just wanted friends, and she was probably mostly just jealous that Alex and I were the ones who weren't stuck with her life. I didn't say anything though. I was proud of myself for letting her say her piece, even if it was to tell me that they didn't like me at all and that I bring bad feelings into their home.
The logical solution? Diana and Christian told Alex and me that we were going to "fix" it by playing a board game.
We weren't even given a break to process our exchange. We were immediately herded into the kitchen to play a game. Alex didn't like their games that she had already played, so Christian pulled out Risk, and even though I knew that was a long game, I agreed to play.
Three hours later, after Diana finally beat the game, Ohlin and Ash had been given enough snack to leave crunched up crackers smeared onto every square inch of the living room, taken out every single toy and scattered them around the house, been put down for a nap without lunch, and had been completely ignored at the request of their parents so that we could play a game. Not only that, but an hour of Alex and my "break time" had been used, so we had less time until the kids would be awake. I was so frustrated that I could scream!
The logical thing to do would be to leave so that Alex and I could discuss the events of the morning in private, right? Well, when Alex and I told Diana we were going to the beach, she acted so bummed out that Alex invited her to come (even though she told us every day how much she hated the beach and the sun, which was why we were going). The cool thing about Diana coming with us is that she told Christian to be in charge of the boys. That meant that we could stay longer because we didn't need to be back when Ohlin and Ash woke up. We stayed until around four and then went home to shower. Then Diana said she needed to go to the store, and she invited us to come. I didn't really want to hang out with Diana, but I knew that if I went I could get out of the house, so I tagged along.
Riding to the store was great. We turned the music up loud and rolled down the windows to enjoy the Hawaiian breeze. Even though Diana was still shockingly offensive every time I turned my head, I was starting to relax and enjoy my vacation. I knew that the next week would be difficult, but I also knew I could survive it.
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