The Peace of Letting Go

 

It's kind of funny how you can forget so many things in life, but once you start reminiscing, emotions can come back with such clarity that it can make you doubt that you ever truly forgot them.

That's kind of what's been happening with me lately. I've had so many strong, negative emotions eating at me for so long that I had almost forgotten they were there. Talking about old memories definitely brings up those old emotions fast! The other night, I was in a bad place, trying to explain to my Joshua that he doesn't know how it feels to be the black sheep, or how it feels to never measure up to his siblings just because of which parent he acts more like or because of the birth order of his family. I tried to explain the years of frustration and pain that I've experienced because I lived a childhood of regret. But he gets it, just like he always gets me. We had a moment (or several), and he was able to reach out to me in a way that I never even realized I needed.

The funny thing is, all this time, I've thought I was angry. And maybe I was, to some extent. But, in reality, I was hurt more than anything else. Hurt by being left. Hurt by perceived preferential treatment of my siblings. Hurt by unkind words. Hurt by being ignored and criticized and forgotten. I realized that the hurt was really what has caused me to build these sarcastic, angry walls. I was afraid of being vulnerable and being hurt again. I was afraid to let anyone hurt me.

This has been true in so many aspects of my life. It probably explains at least part of why I'm such a crappy friend. A lazy lover. A distant daughter. If I don't put myself on the line, then nobody's actions can hurt me, right? But, in the process, I've internalized those feelings of anger and hurt and kept them with me for years and years. Unknowingly, I've allowed those negative feelings to shape the decisions I've made and the reactions I've had. And I've felt so out of control because I haven't been the one calling the shots; I've been letting those negative emotions take over. And a few days ago, I decided to do a funny thing: I let them go.

The point of life isn't to go around holding grudges. My purpose doesn't revolve around regret and hurt. One day, we will all be judged. And when that day comes, I really don't want to judged by the jerk (me) judging me the way I've done it so many times to others. I want to be judged as the girl who overcame struggles and held out her hand to help others. I want to be remembered as the girl who defended and befriended the nerdy kid on the football team because the other football players were rude to him. I want to be remembered as the girl who "dated" a boy for about five minutes in eighth grade because he felt unpopular and thought he would never get a girlfriend because of his love of math and science. I want to be judged as the girl who holds the door open for moms with strollers and lets cars merge in front of her on the interstate and never gives up on her sister.

I'm done being angry and hurt. I'm done complaining and being critical. At least, I'm trying. And you know what? Letting go feels pretty good! In the past few days, I've slept better, my body feels lighter (somehow), and I feel so much more at peace with myself than I have in a long time. I know that this will be a struggle at times, and I know that I can't keep away those feelings forever, but the past is totally over, and why should I be punishing my loved ones for doing what they thought was best at the time? More so, why should I be punishing myself and depriving myself of the peace and happiness that I deserve just as much as anyone else? Is this what we call "growing up?" Is this what it feels like? Because I think I kind of like it.

Embracing Today

Today is beautiful.

Today is new, fresh, filled with puppy dog kisses and a morning spent lying in bed while my love sleeps soundly, his breaths steady and rhythmic. Today is staring at me with bright eyes, asking me if I'm up yet. Today is ready for me.

Today holds chores, begging to be done, reminding me that I was able to spend a whole weekend in blissful denial of their existence. Today is dishes and laundry. Today is vacuuming and scrubbing and remembering how lucky I am to live this life, full of freedom and love, full of potential and opportunity. Today reminds me that I am empowered to do whatever is my heart's desire. I may exercise today. I may earn money today. I may relax today.

How beautiful is this moment, right now!

Easter Thoughts

Yesterday, I had a really great moment with my mother-in-law. It was around midnight, and we were watching the Bible series that's been on the History Channel lately. I'd missed most of the episode up until that point, but Christ was being crucified, so I sat down next to my teary-eyed MIL to watch. If you're familiar with the Bible or the story of the crucifixion, I'm sure you already know how it goes. But, in case you aren't familiar, Christ was dragged through the streets and ridiculed and mocked. He was given a crown of thorns and nailed to a cross, left for dead. And during His moments on the cross--during this time of horrific human brutality, He says: "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do" (Luke 23:34). Of course, my MIL wasn't alone in her tears at this point. Only moments after, I had an epiphany when Jesus said His famous words: "My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?" I was suddenly struck by how alone Christ felt during those moments--how deserted He felt. He felt completely alone in His sorrows.

Every month, in my own struggles, I feel alone too. Every month that I don't get pregnant, I wonder if I've been forgotten. Every month, I wonder why it's not my month. I have faith that I will get pregnant one day, but it's the not knowing that kills me every month. I feel completely alone--completely forgotten--when it doesn't happen.

That's my personal struggle right now. The thing is, I know that there are others who suffer from the same heartache every month. There are other couples out there who wonder if they've been forgotten. The truth is, we all feel like that sometimes. We all have our own individual struggles, and it can be very difficult, sometimes, to remember that we are not alone. But I think that it's imperative that we remember that there is someone who understands our struggles. There is another person who has felt our pain. We are not alone. Whatever you're going through, He's with you. He understands. And He knows what it's like to feel forgotten and alone. He understands the pain and sorrows that we go through. He gets it.

I am so grateful for Christ's sacrifice. I don't know what I would do if I felt completely alone in my struggles. I can't imagine life without His presence. 

That's really I want to say today. Happy Easter (yesterday).