The Peace of Letting Go

 

It's kind of funny how you can forget so many things in life, but once you start reminiscing, emotions can come back with such clarity that it can make you doubt that you ever truly forgot them.

That's kind of what's been happening with me lately. I've had so many strong, negative emotions eating at me for so long that I had almost forgotten they were there. Talking about old memories definitely brings up those old emotions fast! The other night, I was in a bad place, trying to explain to my Joshua that he doesn't know how it feels to be the black sheep, or how it feels to never measure up to his siblings just because of which parent he acts more like or because of the birth order of his family. I tried to explain the years of frustration and pain that I've experienced because I lived a childhood of regret. But he gets it, just like he always gets me. We had a moment (or several), and he was able to reach out to me in a way that I never even realized I needed.

The funny thing is, all this time, I've thought I was angry. And maybe I was, to some extent. But, in reality, I was hurt more than anything else. Hurt by being left. Hurt by perceived preferential treatment of my siblings. Hurt by unkind words. Hurt by being ignored and criticized and forgotten. I realized that the hurt was really what has caused me to build these sarcastic, angry walls. I was afraid of being vulnerable and being hurt again. I was afraid to let anyone hurt me.

This has been true in so many aspects of my life. It probably explains at least part of why I'm such a crappy friend. A lazy lover. A distant daughter. If I don't put myself on the line, then nobody's actions can hurt me, right? But, in the process, I've internalized those feelings of anger and hurt and kept them with me for years and years. Unknowingly, I've allowed those negative feelings to shape the decisions I've made and the reactions I've had. And I've felt so out of control because I haven't been the one calling the shots; I've been letting those negative emotions take over. And a few days ago, I decided to do a funny thing: I let them go.

The point of life isn't to go around holding grudges. My purpose doesn't revolve around regret and hurt. One day, we will all be judged. And when that day comes, I really don't want to judged by the jerk (me) judging me the way I've done it so many times to others. I want to be judged as the girl who overcame struggles and held out her hand to help others. I want to be remembered as the girl who defended and befriended the nerdy kid on the football team because the other football players were rude to him. I want to be remembered as the girl who "dated" a boy for about five minutes in eighth grade because he felt unpopular and thought he would never get a girlfriend because of his love of math and science. I want to be judged as the girl who holds the door open for moms with strollers and lets cars merge in front of her on the interstate and never gives up on her sister.

I'm done being angry and hurt. I'm done complaining and being critical. At least, I'm trying. And you know what? Letting go feels pretty good! In the past few days, I've slept better, my body feels lighter (somehow), and I feel so much more at peace with myself than I have in a long time. I know that this will be a struggle at times, and I know that I can't keep away those feelings forever, but the past is totally over, and why should I be punishing my loved ones for doing what they thought was best at the time? More so, why should I be punishing myself and depriving myself of the peace and happiness that I deserve just as much as anyone else? Is this what we call "growing up?" Is this what it feels like? Because I think I kind of like it.