Recently, I've been told that there are too many articles out there telling people what not to say to their infertile friends. My friends have confided in me that they get too worried about saying the wrong things and wind up not saying anything at all. Being forgotten is a scary reality in the infertile's world, as we so often already feel so forgotten by friends, family, society, and even (at times) God himself. So this post is being written to give you all the confidence you need to speak with your infertile friends without being offensive.
1. Just ask about treatment. This might seem weird, but sometimes infertile couples want you to bring up treatment and ask how things are going. They don't want to bring it up themselves, as it can be kind of an awkward bit of conversation to offer up ("Oh, by the way, I got my period again," etc. can be super depressing when initiated by the infertile friend). To bring this up, casually ask about how things are going or ask about future plans. Depending on the day of the cycle, your friend may give you a vague answer. Sometimes this is because she doesn't want to talk about it or doesn't feel comfortable going into details around the company she's with. You can always clarify. And if she gets emotional? (And she probably will.) Be there. It's hard to feel like there's a safe place to just cry and grieve sometimes.
2. Open up the conversation. There are few things more awkward than sitting in a room full of your friends and their families and being completely excluded from the conversation because it's all turned to child-rearing. And even though I've worked with kids of all ages for the past seven years, I'm still not a parent, plain and simple. If you don't want your friends to feel left out, bring up a mutual interest or ask them about something they've been doing in their lives. And if you want to talk about your kids? Do it. Your friends are hanging out with you because they love you. Just don't go crazy and talk about nothing else for hours. That gets super awkward for the childless couple sitting on your couch. I promise.
3. Plan child-free activities sometimes. Your friends love you, and they love your little darlings too, but sometimes infertile couples need a break from all the kid stuff. It already completely consumes their lives, I promise. Invite them out for a double date to the movies or out to dinner or just schedule a sitter and go somewhere to play games or talk. Your friends will appreciate actually getting to visit with you without you sounding like you have Tourette's from how often you interrupt your own conversations to say things to your children. Bonus: surprisingly, parents actually enjoy having conversations with adults too, so it's a win-win!
4. Remember us on the holidays. We are struggling on the holidays, I promise. What's the best time of your life to enjoy a holiday? When you're a child. We are painfully aware that we neither have children nor are children, resulting in some boring holiday traditions alone. Even if you just send a text saying "thinking of you today" or give them a call, your friends will feel better knowing that they haven't been forgotten.
Honestly, the biggest and best thing you can do for your infertile friends is to be there. Your friends are going to either become pregnant or not. If they become pregnant, it can happen through a variety of ways these days, with all the fancy technology and whatnot. Love them no matter what. Support them even if you don't think you'd do the same if you were in their shoes. You never know what you'll do until you're faced with the same situation. If your friends don't become pregnant, they will either adopt, foster, use a surrogate, or choose to live child-free. No matter what, be there. Love them no matter what they choose. Support them no matter how much you think you'd do things differently. That's all we really want. We just want to know that we have the love and support from the people who we also love and support. That's the secret. That's the dream.
Want to know another secret? You're already a great friend for caring. Just keep caring and loving and you won't go wrong. Just be sensitive and use empathy and good judgment before speaking. That's really all you need.
Love,
B
B
Have any other questions about infertility that you'd like answered? Leave a comment and we may use it in a future post!
No comments:
Post a Comment