I'm writing this post with a heavy heart today. I know it's cliche, but it's true that you shouldn't be jealous of people because you have no idea what they're going through behind the scenes. I feel like I got a reality check big time today.
I've always been kind of jealous of one of my cousins. Haha, well, okay, several of my cousins. But one of my cousins has just always seemed really together. She was raised LDS and has always seemed to be doing the right things, and when she got married and pregnant, I was jealous about how easily it seemed to come to her. Not only does she have the whole family life down, but she had the chance to travel lots before marriage (which is still something I wish I got to do more). This cousin helped me out a lot when I was planning on going to Hawaii for my first time, and I loved all of the advice she had for me. She also helped put all of my wedding together.
Today, I found out that that same sweet cousin has been battling cancer. She announced on our family Facebook page today that she has been given about one more year with her husband and baby daughter. She is only expected to be on this earth for one more year with her family and friends, one more year to learn and laugh and love. By that point, the doctors expect the cancer to have taken over. And it makes me feel so unbelievably sad.
I haven't lost many people who have been close to me in my life. On Veteran's Day of 2011, my grandpa passed away, and in February of 2012 I also lost my granddad. But when an older person passes away, I guess I feel like they've lived a full life. They've had a chance to watch their children grow up. They've had a chance to follow their dreams and have mid-life crises and do all of the things they've wanted to do. But when someone young doesn't get the opportunity to live out his/her life, it's a tragedy.
I can't help but feel helpless now. How can anyone help, in a situation like this? What can be done? I want to do something, but I don't know what would help. I guess what I really want to say today is that I feel so bad that I was ever jealous. She's been battling something so hard, and I've been sitting here thinking she has life so easy. We really never know what people are going through until they tell us. We have no insight into their lives until they choose to give us a peek. I'm going to try not to jump to conclusions about how easy people must have it anymore. I never should have done that at all. If we all resolved to do that, couldn't we make this world a better place? Just a thought.
My cousin still has time on this earth, and I hope I get a chance to let her know how much I love her and value her friendship. It's hard to know what else to say. Maybe there's nothing else to say, except cancer sucks.
Thursday, March 7, 2013
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Growing a Successful Marriage
It really blows my mind when I think about the fact that four years ago, I was a newlywed. Four years ago, I barely knew my husband at all. Maybe that's because we only dated for a short time before marriage, or maybe it's because when you live with someone for a few years, you learn a thing or two about them. Either way, it was just four short years ago that we got hitched and started our life together.
Our marriage has been a constant time of learning for both of us. We have had to set our pride aside on a number of occasions and bite our tongues many times to keep from saying hurtful things. We forgive on a daily basis, almost immediately, when we say and do hurtful things. We have compromised and adapted to be better for each other and to be better for ourselves. And that's what marriage is about. Because you're living with this other person, and you both need to learn how to be together.
Being married to my husband has felt like a constant battle at times. I sometimes refer to the Army as his "other wife" because she has taken him away so often. The deployment especially separated us so far physically that it could have been easy to slip away emotionally, too. While Josh is now working as a police officer full time, his schedule often takes him away for what seems like days at a time while I patiently wait for him to return. My jobs have also caused me to work many strange hours--sometimes placing us on completely opposite schedules for months at a time. And then there are the "others" who do everything they can to break us up. These "others" are women and men doing what they can to have us leave each other and abandon all our promises. They work around the clock to tempt us into indulgence with them. Sometimes I feel like these people must simply be evil because I can't think of any other explanation as to why someone would try to split up a marriage, a family, and a life all for the sake of personal gain. That's the opposite of what marriage is to me.
Through all of these struggles, I've learned something. When you've set up a firm enough foundation in your relationship, you have nothing to worry about. Does that mean that it's your fault for not doing enough if your spouse decides to cheat on you or leave you? Absolutely not. But think back to the beginning when you loved passionately enough to get married and plan a life together. Were there things you did then that you don't do now? Are there things you miss about each other that you are no longer getting? Because if the answer is yes, then those are things that can be fixed if you are willing to work together. And if you really want your relationship to last, then you will put in the work that is needed to make it better.
Marriage is a lot of work. I am constantly trying to make sure I'm doing the best job I can as a wife. And I know that (whether he likes it or not) my husband is also changing into a more considerate, conscientious person. I really think that's what it takes to make your marriage work: a mutual, constant, active care for your spouse's well-being. If you've got that part covered, you're set up for success.
What do you think? What's made your marriage work? Do you feel like active care is what makes a marriage successful? Let me know what you think!
Monday, March 4, 2013
Why Disney Promotes Unrealistic Expectations for Girls
I'm angry.
I've been watching Disney movies more than usual lately. I'm not really sure why, but probably because they're all over Netflix right now and I'm feeling nostalgic. It's smart marketing to appeal to children and then later appeal to adults, but that's not the point. (Deep breath.)
The point is, I want to have daughters who are intelligent. I want daughters who are clever and witty and smart enough to understand the relationships between actions and reactions. And, quite frankly, Disney does not promote understanding the correlation. At least, for girls. I'm glad that I (somehow) turned out okay despite this. But I still can't help but feel like I've been taken for a ride.
While I'm sure I'm not the first person to point this out, I want to add that I love Disney movies. I grew up with them as a child, and I still love many of their movies to this day. But I can't help but wonder how differently more susceptible children may have fared had they not watched these movies on a regular basis. Let's quit being wordy and get to the point: kids are naive, which makes them easily manipulated. They believe what they see because they don't know better. To illustrate my issue perfectly, let's discuss one of my favorite Disney movies of all time: "The Little Mermaid."
In this movie, the leading lady Ariel falls in love with a human prince. Because she is a mermaid, she understands that her relationship with him would be tricky, which is quickly further compounded by her father's reactionary, irrational parenting. Ariel decides to act out and turns to the "sea witch" Ursula, who promises Ariel that she can stay human permanently if she can get the prince to fall in love with her in three days. The only thing Ariel has to do is figure out how to do that without her voice. While Ariel nearly completes her task (after being sabotaged by Ursula herself), she ultimately fails. And this is my whole problem with the setup of these movies. Because Ariel doesn't end up having to deal with the consequence of her actions--at least, not really. Because when push comes to shove, Ariel's father, King Triton, insists on bailing her out. Ariel was supposed to become one of Ursula's "poor, unfortunate souls" for her garden. When Triton sees Ariel turning into a seaweed creature, first he tries to destroy the contract that Ariel signed. Once he realizes that won't work, he signs over the contract to take her place. This king is willing to put his entire kingdom at stake--into the hands of the outcast sea witch--in order to free his rebellious sixteen year old daughter. Ariel and her prince end up killing Ursula in order to reset the ocean, but that just leaves Ariel at square one again, being away from her prince. But because King Triton has had a change of heart, he then allows his impulsive teenage daughter to marry this man she's spent three days with, leaving her entire underwater life behind. Moral of the story? If you find someone you're attracted to and you run away from home, if you kill the person who your contract is with, you can get out of it and still end up with the man of your dreams....
Maybe I'm reading into this too much. Or maybe not all Disney leading ladies share these same attributes. But some of them do. In Ariel's case, the sea kingdom ended up a better place, but only because she committed murder. And how did she even know that would work, anyway? I like the way women are portrayed in the movie "Mulan" better. At least her rebellion was so that she could save her father from having to serve in the military in his old, decrepit age. And she saves China too. NBD. Although, to be fair, if she were to be punished for her actions, she would have been executed. Belle from "Beauty and the Beast" also takes the place of her father so that he is not subjected to a cold prison by an enchanted beast. Yes, she happens to find love there (don't get me started on the dynamics of that relationship), but her intentions are to save her father. If she had really had to suffer the consequences of that decision, she probably would have just lived out her days with a horrible beast, not one who wanted to wine and dine her. UNREALISTIC!
Anyway, it's late, and I've been rambling, I guess. My moral of the story is: don't act without realizing there will be reactions. There always are. Life isn't like a Disney movie where someone will always bail you out. Sometimes they will. But usually, they won't. And that's why I'm frustrated with the Disney movies of my childhood. They set up unrealistic expectations for the masses. I've always been fairly logical, so I haven't been disappointed with life yet, but I pity those girls whose hopes were riding on that prince.
I've been watching Disney movies more than usual lately. I'm not really sure why, but probably because they're all over Netflix right now and I'm feeling nostalgic. It's smart marketing to appeal to children and then later appeal to adults, but that's not the point. (Deep breath.)
The point is, I want to have daughters who are intelligent. I want daughters who are clever and witty and smart enough to understand the relationships between actions and reactions. And, quite frankly, Disney does not promote understanding the correlation. At least, for girls. I'm glad that I (somehow) turned out okay despite this. But I still can't help but feel like I've been taken for a ride.
While I'm sure I'm not the first person to point this out, I want to add that I love Disney movies. I grew up with them as a child, and I still love many of their movies to this day. But I can't help but wonder how differently more susceptible children may have fared had they not watched these movies on a regular basis. Let's quit being wordy and get to the point: kids are naive, which makes them easily manipulated. They believe what they see because they don't know better. To illustrate my issue perfectly, let's discuss one of my favorite Disney movies of all time: "The Little Mermaid."
In this movie, the leading lady Ariel falls in love with a human prince. Because she is a mermaid, she understands that her relationship with him would be tricky, which is quickly further compounded by her father's reactionary, irrational parenting. Ariel decides to act out and turns to the "sea witch" Ursula, who promises Ariel that she can stay human permanently if she can get the prince to fall in love with her in three days. The only thing Ariel has to do is figure out how to do that without her voice. While Ariel nearly completes her task (after being sabotaged by Ursula herself), she ultimately fails. And this is my whole problem with the setup of these movies. Because Ariel doesn't end up having to deal with the consequence of her actions--at least, not really. Because when push comes to shove, Ariel's father, King Triton, insists on bailing her out. Ariel was supposed to become one of Ursula's "poor, unfortunate souls" for her garden. When Triton sees Ariel turning into a seaweed creature, first he tries to destroy the contract that Ariel signed. Once he realizes that won't work, he signs over the contract to take her place. This king is willing to put his entire kingdom at stake--into the hands of the outcast sea witch--in order to free his rebellious sixteen year old daughter. Ariel and her prince end up killing Ursula in order to reset the ocean, but that just leaves Ariel at square one again, being away from her prince. But because King Triton has had a change of heart, he then allows his impulsive teenage daughter to marry this man she's spent three days with, leaving her entire underwater life behind. Moral of the story? If you find someone you're attracted to and you run away from home, if you kill the person who your contract is with, you can get out of it and still end up with the man of your dreams....
Maybe I'm reading into this too much. Or maybe not all Disney leading ladies share these same attributes. But some of them do. In Ariel's case, the sea kingdom ended up a better place, but only because she committed murder. And how did she even know that would work, anyway? I like the way women are portrayed in the movie "Mulan" better. At least her rebellion was so that she could save her father from having to serve in the military in his old, decrepit age. And she saves China too. NBD. Although, to be fair, if she were to be punished for her actions, she would have been executed. Belle from "Beauty and the Beast" also takes the place of her father so that he is not subjected to a cold prison by an enchanted beast. Yes, she happens to find love there (don't get me started on the dynamics of that relationship), but her intentions are to save her father. If she had really had to suffer the consequences of that decision, she probably would have just lived out her days with a horrible beast, not one who wanted to wine and dine her. UNREALISTIC!
Anyway, it's late, and I've been rambling, I guess. My moral of the story is: don't act without realizing there will be reactions. There always are. Life isn't like a Disney movie where someone will always bail you out. Sometimes they will. But usually, they won't. And that's why I'm frustrated with the Disney movies of my childhood. They set up unrealistic expectations for the masses. I've always been fairly logical, so I haven't been disappointed with life yet, but I pity those girls whose hopes were riding on that prince.
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Our Story: Why I Write
If you are new to this blog, you may be having a hard time figuring what the heck I'm going on about in my posts. You may be wondering who I am and why I write about so many random topics. So today I'm introducing myself to you. I am LDS (Mormon). I am a police wife. I am an army wife. I am a college graduate and a bookworm. I am a runner. I am learning how to cook and clean and be frugal on our humble earnings. I am struggling with fertility issues, but one day I will be a mother. I suffer from wanderlust. I say suffer because I am too poor these days to do anything about it. My husband and I have been through many different adventures and trials, but we have been married for four years and plan on spending forever together. While all of these labels may seem random, this is my life.
Until I was about 16 1/2, I grew up in Wisconsin. I loved the small town where I lived, and I miss my friends and family there a LOT. When I moved away, I moved to Utah to get to know my family a little better. My parents divorced when I was four, and besides breaks from school and the year of kindergarten I spent in Utah, I didn't really get to grow up with my Utah family. I grew up without a mom. I grew up without five of the seven kids in my family. And it was hard. It was tough knowing that all of the trials I dealt with in Wisconsin could have been different. It was hard knowing I had another family across the country that I wasn't getting a chance to know and love.
When I moved to Utah, I had to get to know everybody. I had to figure out my place and where I fit in with my own family. But I finally had a chance to get to know my older sister. Getting to spend her pregnancy with her was cooler than anything. We had a chance to be closer than ever. I finally had an opportunity to know my little brothers. At five, eight, and eleven, these boys had fun, budding personalities that I grew to appreciate and love. I even got to know my older brother better who would find ways to hang out with me. We went for motorcycle rides and on "dates" for cheap movie night at the dollar theater. I always felt the closest with him out of all my siblings, and living in the same state where he lived was really exciting for me.
After high school, I lived in Hawaii for a few months. It wasn't everything that I thought it would be, but it was a good learning experience for me. And I fell in love with Oahu. I also decided that I was sick of standing by and watching my life happen to me. I wanted to be a more active participant in my own destiny. So I started striking out on my own.
Fast forward a year and I was in my final semester of my Associate's degree at UVU, working at a preschool and dating my husband. We didn't date as long as I thought I would date my husband, but he was in the Army National Guard and was gone a lot for trainings and ATs. In addition, he had expressed a strong desire to attend the Police Academy, and I was sure I would never see him then. We were on completely opposite schedules, and I was worried because I really really liked him. I knew that if I didn't snatch him up quickly, I would likely lose him forever. He proposed to me over Thanksgiving lunch, and we were married two quick months later. Four years later, we are still crazy about each other.
Two years into our marriage, Josh was given the opportunity to deploy to Iraq. He had always wanted to deploy and felt that it was his duty to go at least once while he was in the Army. At that point, he had been in for about eight years and was eager to finally DO something. I could respect that. We had started going back to church together and were preparing to go to the Temple. We were also trying to get pregnant. We fasted and prayed about the deployment, and we felt a strong impression that Josh needed to go. So he went. In the meantime, I went back to Hawaii to spend the deployment with Josh's sister. She and I had found an arrangement where we could nanny and work part time in exchange for room and board. But the "arrangement" was a sham. We were expected to work 13 hour days with no pay. It was ridiculous. We met a neighbor who took pity on us and invited us to stay with her. That was Amanda. I'm pretty sure she is the nicest person in the world for everything that she did for us. She is one of the most sincere, genuine, and caring people I have ever met. She saved us. SIL and I played in Hawaii until the end of August and then flew back to Utah to see family for a month. In October, we flew to Maryland where Amanda had moved, and I spent a month there nannying before Josh came home early! It was a big surprise, but it was very welcome. Alex, my SIL, followed about a month later. We were sad to leave Amanda and her sweet boys, but we were glad to be back in Utah.
This was all just over a year ago. It's so crazy to me that that's all the time that's passed. Since then, I graduated college with a Bachelor's degree in English with an emphasis in literature. Josh and I continued trying to get pregnant, but we haven't had any luck so far. We just got on insurance with his new job at the police department, so once we have enough money saved up to cover co-pays, we will go figure out our fertility issues.
In the past year, I have worked for a residential treatment center as a direct care worker and for an SEO company writing custom content for websites. Sometimes I feel like my skill set is too eclectic to make this blog have an angle that people will actually enjoy, so for now I think I'm going to write about life. Every day is a new adventure for us, and I look forward to sharing my world with you. Thanks for taking the time to read!
Bryn
Until I was about 16 1/2, I grew up in Wisconsin. I loved the small town where I lived, and I miss my friends and family there a LOT. When I moved away, I moved to Utah to get to know my family a little better. My parents divorced when I was four, and besides breaks from school and the year of kindergarten I spent in Utah, I didn't really get to grow up with my Utah family. I grew up without a mom. I grew up without five of the seven kids in my family. And it was hard. It was tough knowing that all of the trials I dealt with in Wisconsin could have been different. It was hard knowing I had another family across the country that I wasn't getting a chance to know and love.
When I moved to Utah, I had to get to know everybody. I had to figure out my place and where I fit in with my own family. But I finally had a chance to get to know my older sister. Getting to spend her pregnancy with her was cooler than anything. We had a chance to be closer than ever. I finally had an opportunity to know my little brothers. At five, eight, and eleven, these boys had fun, budding personalities that I grew to appreciate and love. I even got to know my older brother better who would find ways to hang out with me. We went for motorcycle rides and on "dates" for cheap movie night at the dollar theater. I always felt the closest with him out of all my siblings, and living in the same state where he lived was really exciting for me.
After high school, I lived in Hawaii for a few months. It wasn't everything that I thought it would be, but it was a good learning experience for me. And I fell in love with Oahu. I also decided that I was sick of standing by and watching my life happen to me. I wanted to be a more active participant in my own destiny. So I started striking out on my own.
Fast forward a year and I was in my final semester of my Associate's degree at UVU, working at a preschool and dating my husband. We didn't date as long as I thought I would date my husband, but he was in the Army National Guard and was gone a lot for trainings and ATs. In addition, he had expressed a strong desire to attend the Police Academy, and I was sure I would never see him then. We were on completely opposite schedules, and I was worried because I really really liked him. I knew that if I didn't snatch him up quickly, I would likely lose him forever. He proposed to me over Thanksgiving lunch, and we were married two quick months later. Four years later, we are still crazy about each other.
Two years into our marriage, Josh was given the opportunity to deploy to Iraq. He had always wanted to deploy and felt that it was his duty to go at least once while he was in the Army. At that point, he had been in for about eight years and was eager to finally DO something. I could respect that. We had started going back to church together and were preparing to go to the Temple. We were also trying to get pregnant. We fasted and prayed about the deployment, and we felt a strong impression that Josh needed to go. So he went. In the meantime, I went back to Hawaii to spend the deployment with Josh's sister. She and I had found an arrangement where we could nanny and work part time in exchange for room and board. But the "arrangement" was a sham. We were expected to work 13 hour days with no pay. It was ridiculous. We met a neighbor who took pity on us and invited us to stay with her. That was Amanda. I'm pretty sure she is the nicest person in the world for everything that she did for us. She is one of the most sincere, genuine, and caring people I have ever met. She saved us. SIL and I played in Hawaii until the end of August and then flew back to Utah to see family for a month. In October, we flew to Maryland where Amanda had moved, and I spent a month there nannying before Josh came home early! It was a big surprise, but it was very welcome. Alex, my SIL, followed about a month later. We were sad to leave Amanda and her sweet boys, but we were glad to be back in Utah.
This was all just over a year ago. It's so crazy to me that that's all the time that's passed. Since then, I graduated college with a Bachelor's degree in English with an emphasis in literature. Josh and I continued trying to get pregnant, but we haven't had any luck so far. We just got on insurance with his new job at the police department, so once we have enough money saved up to cover co-pays, we will go figure out our fertility issues.
In the past year, I have worked for a residential treatment center as a direct care worker and for an SEO company writing custom content for websites. Sometimes I feel like my skill set is too eclectic to make this blog have an angle that people will actually enjoy, so for now I think I'm going to write about life. Every day is a new adventure for us, and I look forward to sharing my world with you. Thanks for taking the time to read!
Bryn
Monday, February 25, 2013
Getting Passionate about Life
Remember the days when you were young and naive? Remember the times you were reckless and passionate because the future was open and you could do anything? Remember the freedom of letting go and not being scared because you were giving life everything you had? I remember those days with a passionate curiosity that I've nearly forgotten. Those days really weren't that long ago. So why does it feel like something must have happened to kill that inner wild and free part of me? I think it's part of "growing up." And I hate it.
My favorite risks I have taken in life have been the ones that I took without knowing what the outcome would be. But in the moment of making the decision, I knew exactly what I wanted. Whether it was a person, a job, a home, or whatever, it was a choice that I would stand behind a million times more because I knew at the time that it was right, that it was everything I'd wanted, that I would do anything to make it happen. But making the initial decision isn't the way to make those risks worth it. The only way to make sure you keep living the life you want is by maintaining the same level of commitment and enthusiasm about your decision as you had when you first chose it.
Right now, my passion is having a family. The risk, of course, is getting pregnant. It's a decision I made years ago, and it's something I've been waiting to experience ever since. There have been many months of tears, many months of envying my friends and family, and many months of questioning "why not this time?" And I would be lying if I said that I never gave up. Because there were also many months of pretending that I didn't care and many months of saying that it didn't matter. But each month, with renewed vigor, I try again. And that's how I know this is something worthwhile. After two years of trying, I am still passionate about becoming a mother. I am still enthralled with the idea that one day I will be able to name my own baby and take it home from the hospital with me. One day, when I hold that baby, I won't have to give it back to its mother, because I will be its mother. And until that day, I am going to keep freaking trying. Because that is what life is about. The whole point of life is to have a family, in my opinion. If I get an awesome job one day, that would be cool. If I wrote a novel that sold out around the world, I would love that. But if none of that happens, if one day I'll still be able to have my own little baby, then this life would have been totally worth it.
Ten years ago, my passion was gymnastics. One day it turned into a boy who pretended to love me with the same intensity that I felt about him, and then he broke my heart. But not too long later, my passion was a man who stepped up and followed through on his promises. He kept me for his and will continue to have me through eternity. And one day, hopefully soon, we will add children to our home.
While we all have different passions in our lives, one thing remains the same: they exist. Even if you can't figure out what your passion is at this moment, you should think about it. Because I'll bet there is at least one thought that consumes your mind, one thought that keeps coming back to you. Once you find what you're passionate about, never let it go. This is the secret to happiness. This is the meaning of life. Following your dreams will never disappoint you, because even if you fail, you will never EVER wonder "what if?"
What are your passions? What's your dream? What is the one thing that you want with every piece of you? Comment and share. I'd love to hear it!
Bryn
Sunday, January 27, 2013
Four Years Down, Forever to Go!
This upcoming Wednesday, my honey and I will be celebrating four years of marriage together! I probably say the same thing every year, but it's crazy how fast those four years went! And it's even crazier that it's only been four years because I feel like Joshy has always been a part of my life. I just feel so lucky that through all of our trials and changes that have been going on around here, we are able to still talk about our feelings and how we can continue to improve ourselves and our lives. Our communication skills are still evolving (isn't that key to keeping each other happy?), and I am so glad, because we still have lots of things that we need to communicate to each other. Communication is number one in our marriage. Maybe because we met in a communications class. :) Honestly though, four years feels like a big achievement. We have already seen marriages fail in shorter lengths of time. I feel so lucky that I have a husband who works as hard as he does to invest in our happiness. I put a lot of effort into this too, but I'm glad I'm not in my marriage alone, you know?
I'm really excited about this anniversary. Some years I haven't known what to do for gifts, but this year I borrowed an idea from my cute sister-in-law and made Josh something I think he will really love! I can't tell you what it is just yet, but I'm excited to show you after Wednesday. One stinky thing about our anniversary this year is that we aren't rich enough to do much of anything. We were going to stay at the Anniversary Inn in Salt Lake like we have in the past (but not next year--we are saving up for Hawaii!), but because of the move and the way all of our paychecks have worked out so far, we just don't have the money to go stay anywhere besides our house. I sure hope I can come up with something fun for us to do at home! Maybe we will go have an adventure in the mountains or visit Salt Lake and go out to a fancy dinner. I heard La Jolla Groves opened a new restaurant there, and we had an amazing experience when we visited their Provo location a few months ago. Whatever we do, I'm sure it will be special. Josh always knows how to make things special for us.
In other news, I have recently found myself with unending spare time due to our recent move to the middle of nowhere! Okay, it's not totally out there, but when you have to drive at least 30 miles to get to the nearest mall, you sure are out there! Anyway, Josh just got a full-time job with the police department where he has been a reserve officer for the past year, so we packed up our house and moved! So far it's been kind of tough being away from so much of my family, but I am feeling so blessed to have so much time to write now! I've started working on my first book (like barely started), and I'm thinking this blog thing can definitely become more than a super part-time hobby (if I can get people to read it and like it!), so I feel like I have my options open.
Another big deal is that this month marks two years since we began trying to conceive a baby. Maybe that's TMI, but it's truth. Remember, Josh was also gone for six months in 2011, so we lost those months, but that would still put us at 18 months of trying with no luck. It's hard to stay positive sometimes. Some months are harder than others. As time passes, it's getting easier for me to be genuinely happy for others when they announce their joyful news. I'm not sure if I'm more at peace with our situation or if I'm just not feeling as bitter about it, but in the past five months something has changed within me. Good news though: we start health insurance on February first! I am confident that we are going to be able to find out what our issues are and what we need to do to get this baby train going. I'm really excited to FINALLY be able to get the help we must need, but I'm really nervous too. I'm worried the doctors won't be able to figure out what's wrong with me. I'm nervous that treatments won't work for us. I'm even a little nervous that I'll finally have a baby and I won't find fulfillment in motherhood. There are so many emotions that go into it, honestly. And with my best friends all talking about when they will start trying, it makes me feel a little more pressure because I would LOVE to have kids close to their children's ages. Maybe we haven't had any luck up until now because there's a special baby waiting to come to us who needs us to be on health insurance first. Who knows? I just can't wait to meet him/her!
In other news, in December I freaking graduated college! I now have my Bachelor's degree in English with an emphasis in Literature. Not that it's a SUPER huge deal, but that has definitely been one of my lifetime goals. I have cousins who have degrees, but I am the first in my immediate family to finish a college education. I can't wait to walk in April and wear the cap and gown. Maybe one day I'll go back for my teaching certificate or my Master's degree, but I have no set plans for right now. I'm mostly just excited to get to work on my book and be a mom (whenever that happens). My goal with my degree was to study the greatest authors in literature so that I could learn to adopt their methods and incorporate them into my own writing. We will see how that goes once this book is finished, but I'm optimistic that I've learned a thing or two. I think that it's important to continue reading though. I have noticed that I'm not as inspired as I felt when I was reading more. I guess I will start doing that soon!
Anyway, I think that's about all that I've got for right now. This is just an update on life in general, but I promise I will start writing more soon! I really do have enough time for it these days! Thanks for reading my blog. Share it if you liked it, and come back soon for new posts!
I'm really excited about this anniversary. Some years I haven't known what to do for gifts, but this year I borrowed an idea from my cute sister-in-law and made Josh something I think he will really love! I can't tell you what it is just yet, but I'm excited to show you after Wednesday. One stinky thing about our anniversary this year is that we aren't rich enough to do much of anything. We were going to stay at the Anniversary Inn in Salt Lake like we have in the past (but not next year--we are saving up for Hawaii!), but because of the move and the way all of our paychecks have worked out so far, we just don't have the money to go stay anywhere besides our house. I sure hope I can come up with something fun for us to do at home! Maybe we will go have an adventure in the mountains or visit Salt Lake and go out to a fancy dinner. I heard La Jolla Groves opened a new restaurant there, and we had an amazing experience when we visited their Provo location a few months ago. Whatever we do, I'm sure it will be special. Josh always knows how to make things special for us.
In other news, I have recently found myself with unending spare time due to our recent move to the middle of nowhere! Okay, it's not totally out there, but when you have to drive at least 30 miles to get to the nearest mall, you sure are out there! Anyway, Josh just got a full-time job with the police department where he has been a reserve officer for the past year, so we packed up our house and moved! So far it's been kind of tough being away from so much of my family, but I am feeling so blessed to have so much time to write now! I've started working on my first book (like barely started), and I'm thinking this blog thing can definitely become more than a super part-time hobby (if I can get people to read it and like it!), so I feel like I have my options open.
Another big deal is that this month marks two years since we began trying to conceive a baby. Maybe that's TMI, but it's truth. Remember, Josh was also gone for six months in 2011, so we lost those months, but that would still put us at 18 months of trying with no luck. It's hard to stay positive sometimes. Some months are harder than others. As time passes, it's getting easier for me to be genuinely happy for others when they announce their joyful news. I'm not sure if I'm more at peace with our situation or if I'm just not feeling as bitter about it, but in the past five months something has changed within me. Good news though: we start health insurance on February first! I am confident that we are going to be able to find out what our issues are and what we need to do to get this baby train going. I'm really excited to FINALLY be able to get the help we must need, but I'm really nervous too. I'm worried the doctors won't be able to figure out what's wrong with me. I'm nervous that treatments won't work for us. I'm even a little nervous that I'll finally have a baby and I won't find fulfillment in motherhood. There are so many emotions that go into it, honestly. And with my best friends all talking about when they will start trying, it makes me feel a little more pressure because I would LOVE to have kids close to their children's ages. Maybe we haven't had any luck up until now because there's a special baby waiting to come to us who needs us to be on health insurance first. Who knows? I just can't wait to meet him/her!
In other news, in December I freaking graduated college! I now have my Bachelor's degree in English with an emphasis in Literature. Not that it's a SUPER huge deal, but that has definitely been one of my lifetime goals. I have cousins who have degrees, but I am the first in my immediate family to finish a college education. I can't wait to walk in April and wear the cap and gown. Maybe one day I'll go back for my teaching certificate or my Master's degree, but I have no set plans for right now. I'm mostly just excited to get to work on my book and be a mom (whenever that happens). My goal with my degree was to study the greatest authors in literature so that I could learn to adopt their methods and incorporate them into my own writing. We will see how that goes once this book is finished, but I'm optimistic that I've learned a thing or two. I think that it's important to continue reading though. I have noticed that I'm not as inspired as I felt when I was reading more. I guess I will start doing that soon!
Anyway, I think that's about all that I've got for right now. This is just an update on life in general, but I promise I will start writing more soon! I really do have enough time for it these days! Thanks for reading my blog. Share it if you liked it, and come back soon for new posts!
Monday, April 30, 2012
Post-Hiatus Catch-up
Hello world! Boy have I missed the blogging world. And I won't lie--I feel like a bit of a failure for dropping this from my life as quickly and carelessly as I did. Honestly, I wrote an amazing post about my Ewa Beach First Ward family, and it somehow got erased, which totally made me hate this stupid blogger for about six months... So I'm back now!
Well, while I was gone, the war in Iraq ended, meaning my honey came home! He was actually home for Veteran's Day, but I was in NYC for the weekend with my favorite sister from another mister, the one and only Alex! I'm pretty sure she and I did anything you can in 24 hours in the big apple. But those pictures are for another day. Playing super catch-up would discourage me from getting back into blogging. So I won't. I had a ton of fun living with Amanda and nannying for her little boys. I miss those boys every day, and I miss Amanda even more.
Let's talk for a second about Amanda. How many people do you know who would just take in two random girls off from the streets (basically) and let them stay with her ALL summer for free? And then invite them to move to Maryland and nanny for her children? Seriously? I think Amanda might have been my guardian angel sent to me this summer to make sure I didn't commit a murder (on Diana, not Alex!). But I will forever be indebted to Amanda for everything she did for us. I really don't know how I would have gotten through this whole deployment without her. Sometimes in life you meet people who you KNOW must have been put into your path for an important reason. Amanda fits that all the way. If Josh hadn't come home when he did, I probably would have just stayed with Amanda forever (or for as long as I was welcome!) because I loved living with her that much. Anyway, one day I'm going to pay her back for her incredible, life-changing kindness. I just don't quite know how just yet.
So, since returning to good ol' Utah, I took an amazing two-month-long vacation from EVERYTHING and spent many MANY days with my Joshua. A little before Christmas we realized we were getting poor again though, so Joshy went back to work. Our standards of living had to shrink again a bit because we were so used to having money, but we managed. The semester came and we both returned to school. I'm not going to lie--it might have been one of my worst semesters.
First of all, Kelsey had her baby, named Kimora Briell, and my mom and I went out for a visit. Oh my goodness--Brooklyn is SO big and beautiful and amazing! She is the sweetest little girl in the world. Kelsey and baby Kim were doing great too, just very tired still.
After spending a few days in Wisco, Mom and I returned home, only to have my mom's step-dad die a few days later. So off we went to a funeral in northern Idaho. I (surprisingly) got a lot of closure from that trip that I didn't even know I still needed. Apparently a person is able to build up a lot of resentment to someone they never really knew. By going to the funeral, I was able to see how deeply my granddad was loved, and how much more complex of a person he was than I thought. And it made me think a lot about my own trials in life and how if someone judged me as fiercely as I had judged him, it wouldn't be anyone's problem but theirs. And who am I to decide what he had all worked out before he died? I hope that he was able to straighten everything out with the big man upstairs before he died, but if he didn't, that's too bad for him, because his trials on this earth are something so huge that I could not even comprehend. It's hard to build empathy for something you don't understand, but it isn't impossible. That's what I learned anyway.
The semester was going all right school-wise, but Joshy and I were struggling financially big time. We didn't end up receiving the benefits we usually get from the Veteran's benefits, resulting in our having to pay for half of Josh's school--something we were NOT anticipating. $1,000ish later, school was paid for and we were significantly less afloat than expected. This continued throughout the month of March, and finally I got tired of Josh's griping that I wasn't contributing enough to money (without his saying that, but with his endless suggestions that I go find myself a job...). So at the beginning of April I decided I needed a job. I applied on Tuesday night for a position at a residential facility for teenage female sex-offenders. I was a little nervous, but I submitted my resume and waited. The next morning I already had received an email from the home supervisor asking me to come in and interview that day or the next. I interviewed Thursday and started work on Friday!
I felt out the job for a few days and decided that I love it! I have been working at this facility ever since, and so far I feel like I've gotten to know several of the girls pretty well. We even have a girl leaving the program tomorrow. I am a little sad that she's leaving, but only because I don't really think that she's ready to be out in the real world, as an adult. She would rather put the moves on her younger peers and play video games all day long. I feel sorry for her, because as an adult, she is going to have a rude awakening. Hopefully she is successful instead. I'm all for that.
Work has been a fun distraction from homework and the monotony of childless life, which is exactly what I needed. Many people don't know that Josh and I started trying to get pregnant about six months before his deployment, only to find out that it will not be that easy for us. Six months post-deployment and we still have not had a positive pregnancy test. It wears on me big-time, especially when my crass family members ask me if kids are not my "thing" or act like I think I'm too good to have kids. I laugh it off and say that we are getting through school first, but really it just hasn't happened because it's not our time to make a baby just yet. Waiting is excruciating some months. That's why I really needed a job. I needed something to take my mind off of my feelings of failure every month. I needed an environment where I could socialize with people who weren't asking me about my periods every few days. And this home does just that. I love it for the fact that I never have to worry about the girls asking about me. Because they are teenagers, and they really just don't care about anybody but themselves. And I'm okay with that.
Anyway, that's life right now, in a nutshell. Joshy and I just celebrating our anniversary of being sealed in the temple on Saturday, and I feel like life just keeps getting better. I would like to visit the temple more often though, because I feel like we don't go often enough. But that happens when you work completely opposite schedules and only see each other during the day for about fifteen minutes. It'll get better, I'm sure. Oh, and we are the proud carriers of the calling of Sunbeam teachers at church! We freaking love our 16(ish?) Sunbeams. They really do brighten up my week and make me miss teaching preschool. Maybe I'll start doing that again too, one day.
But for today, that's it. Over and out.
Well, while I was gone, the war in Iraq ended, meaning my honey came home! He was actually home for Veteran's Day, but I was in NYC for the weekend with my favorite sister from another mister, the one and only Alex! I'm pretty sure she and I did anything you can in 24 hours in the big apple. But those pictures are for another day. Playing super catch-up would discourage me from getting back into blogging. So I won't. I had a ton of fun living with Amanda and nannying for her little boys. I miss those boys every day, and I miss Amanda even more.
Let's talk for a second about Amanda. How many people do you know who would just take in two random girls off from the streets (basically) and let them stay with her ALL summer for free? And then invite them to move to Maryland and nanny for her children? Seriously? I think Amanda might have been my guardian angel sent to me this summer to make sure I didn't commit a murder (on Diana, not Alex!). But I will forever be indebted to Amanda for everything she did for us. I really don't know how I would have gotten through this whole deployment without her. Sometimes in life you meet people who you KNOW must have been put into your path for an important reason. Amanda fits that all the way. If Josh hadn't come home when he did, I probably would have just stayed with Amanda forever (or for as long as I was welcome!) because I loved living with her that much. Anyway, one day I'm going to pay her back for her incredible, life-changing kindness. I just don't quite know how just yet.
So, since returning to good ol' Utah, I took an amazing two-month-long vacation from EVERYTHING and spent many MANY days with my Joshua. A little before Christmas we realized we were getting poor again though, so Joshy went back to work. Our standards of living had to shrink again a bit because we were so used to having money, but we managed. The semester came and we both returned to school. I'm not going to lie--it might have been one of my worst semesters.
First of all, Kelsey had her baby, named Kimora Briell, and my mom and I went out for a visit. Oh my goodness--Brooklyn is SO big and beautiful and amazing! She is the sweetest little girl in the world. Kelsey and baby Kim were doing great too, just very tired still.
After spending a few days in Wisco, Mom and I returned home, only to have my mom's step-dad die a few days later. So off we went to a funeral in northern Idaho. I (surprisingly) got a lot of closure from that trip that I didn't even know I still needed. Apparently a person is able to build up a lot of resentment to someone they never really knew. By going to the funeral, I was able to see how deeply my granddad was loved, and how much more complex of a person he was than I thought. And it made me think a lot about my own trials in life and how if someone judged me as fiercely as I had judged him, it wouldn't be anyone's problem but theirs. And who am I to decide what he had all worked out before he died? I hope that he was able to straighten everything out with the big man upstairs before he died, but if he didn't, that's too bad for him, because his trials on this earth are something so huge that I could not even comprehend. It's hard to build empathy for something you don't understand, but it isn't impossible. That's what I learned anyway.
The semester was going all right school-wise, but Joshy and I were struggling financially big time. We didn't end up receiving the benefits we usually get from the Veteran's benefits, resulting in our having to pay for half of Josh's school--something we were NOT anticipating. $1,000ish later, school was paid for and we were significantly less afloat than expected. This continued throughout the month of March, and finally I got tired of Josh's griping that I wasn't contributing enough to money (without his saying that, but with his endless suggestions that I go find myself a job...). So at the beginning of April I decided I needed a job. I applied on Tuesday night for a position at a residential facility for teenage female sex-offenders. I was a little nervous, but I submitted my resume and waited. The next morning I already had received an email from the home supervisor asking me to come in and interview that day or the next. I interviewed Thursday and started work on Friday!
I felt out the job for a few days and decided that I love it! I have been working at this facility ever since, and so far I feel like I've gotten to know several of the girls pretty well. We even have a girl leaving the program tomorrow. I am a little sad that she's leaving, but only because I don't really think that she's ready to be out in the real world, as an adult. She would rather put the moves on her younger peers and play video games all day long. I feel sorry for her, because as an adult, she is going to have a rude awakening. Hopefully she is successful instead. I'm all for that.
Work has been a fun distraction from homework and the monotony of childless life, which is exactly what I needed. Many people don't know that Josh and I started trying to get pregnant about six months before his deployment, only to find out that it will not be that easy for us. Six months post-deployment and we still have not had a positive pregnancy test. It wears on me big-time, especially when my crass family members ask me if kids are not my "thing" or act like I think I'm too good to have kids. I laugh it off and say that we are getting through school first, but really it just hasn't happened because it's not our time to make a baby just yet. Waiting is excruciating some months. That's why I really needed a job. I needed something to take my mind off of my feelings of failure every month. I needed an environment where I could socialize with people who weren't asking me about my periods every few days. And this home does just that. I love it for the fact that I never have to worry about the girls asking about me. Because they are teenagers, and they really just don't care about anybody but themselves. And I'm okay with that.
Anyway, that's life right now, in a nutshell. Joshy and I just celebrating our anniversary of being sealed in the temple on Saturday, and I feel like life just keeps getting better. I would like to visit the temple more often though, because I feel like we don't go often enough. But that happens when you work completely opposite schedules and only see each other during the day for about fifteen minutes. It'll get better, I'm sure. Oh, and we are the proud carriers of the calling of Sunbeam teachers at church! We freaking love our 16(ish?) Sunbeams. They really do brighten up my week and make me miss teaching preschool. Maybe I'll start doing that again too, one day.
But for today, that's it. Over and out.
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