Reclaiming My Life from Infertility

Another month has come and gone and I am still not pregnant. I'm still daydreaming about names and wondering what my little babes will one day look like, but my body is not cooperating, and I'm sure frustrated about it. I do have some news, though, and I believe I'm getting closer to having answers.

Infertility was never something I thought I would struggle with. I always knew it was a possibility, but I never really thought it would be such an ordeal. I was always told that trying to get pregnant would be the "fun" part, but trying so hard, month after month, isn't really that fun at all. It's so much more than just intimate time with my husband. It's tracking my temperature every single morning to chart my basal body temperature. It's peeing on a stick every morning to figure out if my body even ovulates at all. It's taking thyroid medication every single morning in hopes that my thyroid is my body's only problem. It's taking prenatal vitamins even though I doubt it will matter that I remembered them at all. It's timing everything and hoping and praying that one of these months I'll be pleasantly surprised with a miracle. So far that has not been my experience. I had a friend crassly comment on one of my blog entries that my writing should be more about the trying portion of getting pregnant. Um, hello. This is what my entire life is, right now. This is how I try. If you want to read about the physiological process of conception, there are plenty of websites that are all about it. I try to keep this page pretty PG. We're all adults here, and we know how this stuff works. So... yeah. (PS- telling me to "just relax" is belittling and won't fix anything. For the first year that Joshua and I tried to conceive, I was very easygoing about the entire thing. I only started getting so anal about tracking when I knew there was a problem, over a year into trying. Tracking everything makes my doctor's appointments go easier and helps them and me see patterns and identify what's really happening with my body.)

Whew. Sorry about that tangent.

I had a couple of blood tests done last week, and I was pleasantly surprised with how awesome my phlebotomist was. She got the angle just right on my vein and my blood flowed right out! I had very minimal bruising, and my blood came out much faster than at my other blood draws. I was really stoked about it and haven't stopped gushing about her. My thyroid levels were checked to figure out if my medication was working, and my progesterone levels were checked too. Then I had the unpleasant task of waiting for my results...

It's funny, because I'd been waiting for weeks for Josh's results of his semen analysis, and then I started getting all of my (and his) results all at once. Of course, Josh's results weren't interpreted for us, so I had to Google all of his numbers, but they all looked to be within the normal range. That was a little frustrating because now I know for sure that the problem is something with my body, but it could still be basically anything. So annoying.

The next day, I received my thyroid results, which were back to normal! Woohoo! I don't know if that will get me pregnant, but it will have me feeling better. In fact, I haven't noticed a huge change with my energy levels, but I am in a much better mood most of the time. Before going on Levothyroxine Sodium, I was very moody most of the time (hehe). I picked fights with my husband often and often felt and acted irrationally angry over small things. I don't know why I did those things. I don't feel so angry anymore, and I'm ashamed that I was upset as often as I was. I really don't understand hormones sometimes. Other than that, I don't feel much different with my medication. I do have an easier time waking up in the morning, so that's something. Other than that, I feel mostly the same as I did before.

After getting my thyroid results back, I was hopeful that everything was under control. Soon after, however, I received news that my progesterone levels weren't doing so hot. I really hadn't done a ton of research about low progesterone levels, so I began educating myself. The funny thing is that so many of the symptoms are things I've been experiencing. I hadn't even connected that my symptoms were linked to low progesterone levels. I'm not going to get into all of the symptoms (they are all over online), but as of right now I'm kind of at a loss as far as where to go from here. I wasn't expecting low progesterone. I was kind of just hoping that my thyroid was my only issue. At least we're figuring this out though, right?

My suspicion is that my body ovulates every month but that, after ovulation, it doesn't produce the amount of progesterone that it should. Because of tracking my temperature each day, I can see that my temperature dips and then rises, indicative of ovulation, but it doesn't stay as high as it should. This results in too thin of a lining of my uterus, making implantation impossible. So even if I am ovulating and Josh's sperm reaches my egg and fertilizes it, my body has nowhere to put it and discards it. If this is the case, hormone therapy might be my answer. I'll have to up my intake of progesterone after ovulation each month and hope that it's enough to sustain life. Then I will likely have to continue taking progesterone at least until the first trimester is over (because at that point the placenta creates progesterone of its own and won't need any outside help). I have read about people combining this type of hormone therapy with Clomid, but I'm not sure why, since Clomid can have side effects (such as thinning the lining of the uterus) that are the opposite of what I need. I wrote my doctor a message tonight, asking him where we go from here, and I'm looking forward to hearing back from him. I really don't know what to do at this point. I hope that progesterone medication will help me. If I can get pregnant that way, we'll have solved the puzzle of my infertility.

Either way, I'm done sitting around. I'm back to working out and eating healthier and not giving up on me. I've been too depressed for too long about this, putting my life on hold, waiting for the ever-evasive motherhoood to creep up on me, and I'm ready to take control of my life again. If I end up getting pregnant, that would be great. If I end up adopting, that would be wonderful. And if neither of those things end up happening? Well, I guess we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. In the meantime, I'm ready to reclaim my life back from infertility. I'm taking control and waking up from this dazed state. And it feels good.