Happy Tears

Oh, hello, beautiful Wednesday. Three days ago, I was working my butt off performing various duties in my new role as supervisor at work. I held girls accountable, trained new staff, and successfully talked a girl into getting out of bed for about thirty minutes before she gave up and laid on the floor in her room again. I also monitored girls as they deep cleaned their home, exercised in their basement, and dealt with the under-staffing that results from a high-stress job with an even higher turnover rate. It was a long day. I was also acutely aware of my intake of fluids and food, as I was not allowed to eat or drink anything past midnight. Had I just experienced my first day of being a gremlin? Nope, I had surgery in the morning!

As you may remember from my months ago post about impending surgery, I was scheduled to have a diagnostic laparoscopy, which is the condensed way of saying getting a couple of cuts in my belly, pumping it full of gas, going through one of those holes with a camera, and identifying and destroying any endometriosis that could be found. This was to be a big surgery for me, since my infertility has been going on for at least the past four years and has been "unexplained" for the past two.

Monday morning came and went faster than even I could have predicted. I arrived at the hospital at 9:15 for a surgery scheduled for 11:40, but the surgery before mine was cancelled and I was able to be fit in even earlier. Seeing the nurse write on the white board that surgery was "NOW!!" had me a bit freaked out to say the least, but I was there and I was doing it and there was no turning back at that point.

After surgery, while in recovery, I chewed on ice chips to soothe my sore throat, and I tried to get any and all information out of my nurse, but she knew nothing about my procedure. It left me feeling frustrated, but the kind of calm, docile, frustrated that you can only feel when your heart is pumping about forty beats a minute and you're too drugged up to really know much beyond what's happening in that moment. I was aware enough, however, to ask the nurse how many incisions I had in my belly, since I knew that there would only be two if they hadn't found any endometriosis. When the nurse answered "three," I might have started crying. There was so much more than three cuts in me in that moment--there was hope.

When I finally got back into my room, where Trevor the nurse ("hey, that's my favorite brother's name too!") wheeled me in, I sipped my water and continued chomping on my ice, and waited for Joshua to come in. When he did, he had pictures and a diagnosis of for real moderate endometriosis, and I suddenly felt so validated and right for all of those times I knew something wasn't right and that there had to be an explanation for why everything wasn't working for us. I cried the happiest tears I could. I called my mom and my mother-in-law and others and cried to them with my slow, scratchy voice. I was relieved and hopeful and happy.

I never thought a diagnosis would make me feel this way, but when you've heard for  years you're probably just not "doing it right" or that you should "just adopt," it feels good to know that you're not crazy. I am not crazy. I have endometriosis. And we removed as much of it as we could find during surgery, and hopefully that's enough so that I can have biological children in my future. And if not? That's okay too. At least I know now what's wrong with me so that I can start dealing with it.

Hey world, I have endometriosis, and while it may not seem an occasion to cry happy tears, there have been many shed in my house this week. Gone are the days of "unexplained" infertility in my house. We finally have answers!!

Happy Tuesday

Hi world.

I miss you.

I haven't been writing in a long time, primarily because there's not much to say.

 I still work full-time at a job I love, I am still married to my best friend, and I am still totally inexplicably infertile.

It could be easy to be down on myself during such a seemingly stagnant period of my life, and while I do have my days where I feel utter frustration at my lack of progression, I'm also totally loving the peace I have recently been able to reach. 

Don't get me wrong--I still want a family. 

I still want to be a mother with every crumb of my soul. 

But I'm on the cusp of turning 26 years old, and while I've been told (for years) to just "enjoy" this time alone with my husband, I feel like I'm just now finally starting to do that. 

Maybe it's the financial (semi)stability. 

Maybe it's the sense of permanence I feel with my husband or my friends or my family. 

Or maybe this peace simply comes from within, from letting go of all of the things I can't control. 

Maybe it's an internal thing that just happens when you're staring your late twenties in the face.

 I don't know, guys. 

This is my first try at life. 

But whatever the reason, I'm so so glad that this peace is here with me.

I love this unpredictable boy and the joy he brings me every single day.

 

I love my imperfectly perfect body.

I love this crazy, chaotic life.

Maybe one day I'll have a baby.

Maybe one day I'll adopt one.

Maybe I won't.

The funny thing about life is that you never really know what's going to happen next, so you really have no other choice but to embrace the now and hope for the best. 

And isn't that all that anyone really needs? Right now?

Happy Tuesday, my friends.

XOXO,

Bryn

Fertility Drugs, Ultrasounds, and Unsinkable Hope

Hey all!

I had my ultrasound on Friday and wanted to update anyone who was curious. So, here's the deal: Femara=Awesome. At least, I liked it way better than Clomid. Femara's worst side effect was that I felt a little goofy after taking it. Like my equilibrium was off. So I just didn't drive within so many hours after taking it. That was a pain because my work hours vary, so I couldn't take the medication at the same time every day. Eventually, I moved the time I took it to right before bed, and that seemed to help. And the longer I took it, the less weird I felt after taking it. So that was that.

At my ultrasound on Friday, I got to take a peek at my eggs and saw that I have two mature ones (one was WAY mature, measuring something like 30mm), and there were three little ones, one at a 16 that may have had time to get big enough for fertilization, but it wasn't likely. In a nutshell, everything looked great!

Then came the freaky part. My doctor gave me a prescription for Ovidrel, the HCG shot that makes your body ovulate. The rationale behind the shot is that because it boosts your body full of hormones, it causes an increase in your progesterone production as well (and makes you ovulate). And if my issue is low progesterone, it may help that. Also, we were already planning on using it for my IUI. But if you missed it, my IUI was cancelled for this month because of our work schedules conflicting too much. Our schedules and hours really are terrible. It makes it very difficult to plan appointments in advance. But that's shift work for you! If infertility has taught me anything, it's that flexibility really is a necessity in life.

So, on Friday night around 9:00, I gave my stomach a good ol' alcohol cleaning, took a few deep breaths, chickened out, and made Josh stick me with the needle. I was too scared to do it myself. Surprisingly, the needle itself wasn't the part that hurt. It was preloaded with my prescription and everything, and the needle was really tiny. The injection hurt when I could feel it pushing into my stomach, but it wasn't terrible. The injection site has been sore and feels bruised, but that was it. I haven't felt any different or weird, but the insert for Ovidrel has the funniest side effects (gas, hiccups, uncontrollable bladder, etc.).

And that was it. And if you're wondering, having a doctor prescribe you with timed intercourse is about as sexy as it sounds... But, until next month, we'll do what we've got to do...

In other fun news, Josh's Clomid prescription has been upped to every day instead of every other day, and his mood swings remind me of my own. I feel bad that his pain causes my happiness, but how many women can honestly say that they know their husbands understand hormone-induced mood swings? I know mine does. And I feel for him because I get it too. We're a hormonal mess around this house right now, and that's okay. Somehow it works out.

And if this month doesn't work, guess what? We'll just try again next month. And we'll keep on trying until we decide to do something different. Right now I'm mentally prepared for three IUIs and no in-vitro, but we'll see. The crazy thing about this human existence is that we are always changing and growing and it never stops. If you're lucky enough to have a little baby, please give it a tight squeeze, kiss those chubby cheeks, and remember how lucky you are--how there are millions of people like me who would do anything to be in your shoes. Don't forget it. Your worst day is someone else's daydream. I'm just going to keep doing whatever I can to make my daydream a reality. And in the meantime? Please keep praying for us. We feel it in our lives every single day that you do. We love and appreciate all of it. Let's cross our fingers and toes and hope I have some good news in a few weeks!! And if I don't? Next month is still a blank slate and we'll figure it out as it goes. But I promise to keep you updated, as always!

-B

Making Changes and Getting Healthy

For the past two weeks, I've been participating with a large group of police wives in a weight loss/get healthy program. Because I've been seeing results with it pretty quickly, I thought it best to share it in hopes that it helps someone else in my shoes (about 30 pounds overweight, unexplained infertility, and generally not really healthy).

Here are the rules:

1. No sugar. This is a big one. No desserts. No sugary drinks. No candy. Nothing of the sort. If you like, you can have one sugar day per week for which you won't be penalized, but other than that, no sugar. This is the hardest for me because I love ice cream, but whatever. I can still get my ice cream fix once a week, so I guess it isn't so bad.

2. No eating after 9:00 or within three hours of bedtime. This has ended all of my late-night snacking. It was so hard at first, but since I've been working it's gotten much easier since I'm not home alone as often. This limits my calories dramatically, since I was often eating dinner late and/or requesting mint chocolate chip milkshakes from our local fast food restaurants at all hours. No more of that!

3. Drink, drink drink! The goal is to consume 64 oz of water every day. Some days this seems like a lot, and other days it's not enough. If I'm not drinking anything else, it's not as big of a deal, but when I fill up on milk, juice, or diet sodas (which I hardly EVER do!), I have a hard time making this goal. In fact, here I am at 10:00 PM, and I still have about 32 oz to go. I'm definitely going to be getting up frequently tonight. Oh well. Serves me right for not drinking water all day!

4. Three vegetables and two fruits every day. Or substitute vegetables for fruit and eat all five servings of vegetables for faster weight loss. This can be hard if you're filling up on junk food or too many carbs, but it's definitely achievable. I won't lie and say I was able to do this every day, but I try!

5. Sweat! Work out for 45 minutes at least 5 times per week. This one is a struggle for me because my work schedule varies, and I don't have a lot of time some days. When I do work in the mornings, I'm able to hit the gym with my clients and get my sweat on before I'd normally even be awake. Working out in the morning helps with water consumption too, FYI.

6. Journal. I think this is just about being more aware of what we're putting into our bodies. It's been an eye-opener for me, and it definitely holds me more accountable when I'm keeping track of the food I'm eating. It makes it harder for me to "forget" that I didn't eat enough vegetables or whatever. It's also how I keep track of my water intake and exercise.

7. Contact. We get points for keeping in touch with the other ladies who are trying to lose weight with us! We need to get in touch with each other every day so we can hold each other accountable and help cheer each other on! I really like this part of the competition because we definitely help each other and have fun suggestions for workouts, healthy foods, and ways to get in shape.

8. Weekly weigh-in. I know, I know, nobody likes to look at the scale. At least nobody who's trying to lose weight. The only person who sees your number is the girl coordinating everything, and she doesn't post weights anywhere--just body fat percentages lost.

The way these rules work is that whoever loses the most weight wins $500, and the perfect points winners split the remaining $500 equally amongst themselves. Obviously we're trying to do this in a healthy way since we encourage all of these healthy habits. Someone who starves herself would win $500, but she wouldn't be able to sustain it, and what would be the point of that? We all just want to be healthier, and I think it's really cool that there are other ladies suffering from infertility who are participating too. We're all hoping that getting healthier will help our bodies work better and help us get closer to pregnancy. Even though I'm a month into my break from trying to get pregnant, we probably won't be going back for a bit. I've really been enjoying this break too much. We'll just see where things go, I guess! That's life, right? And whether I end up with twelve babies or none, life is so so good to me. Here's hoping I get back my body in six weeks!

Forgetting about the Two-Week-Wait

Oh, friends, this is my favorite time of the month. This time of the month is so full of hope. It's so full of potential. Anything can happen, at this point. I've done everything I can to cook up a baby, and now I have a chance to relax and let it marinade in water and prenatals for the next couple of weeks while I wait for a missed period. Ah, this is the life. ;) If you would have told me five years ago that this would be my life, I would have laughed. I would have told you that I went to college for a reason and that I would surely have written a book at least by now. But alas, my book is still in the planning stages, and is turning into multiple books the more I look at it. My life is so transformed it's nearly unrecognizable from what it once was. But it's totally in a good way, and that's not the point today.

 

This time of the month is also my least favorite. I have zero control anymore. I can't try any harder to make a baby stick. I can't take any special medications or do any crazy exercises or anything else in hopes that a baby will head my way. I'm helpless. I'm staring at the calendar, praying, calculating due dates, and doing my very best yoga breathing in hopes that all of this positive energy will focus into my uterus and make some magic happen. I have a love/hate relationship with the infamous two-week-wait.

What's a two-week-wait, you say? Well, it's the weeks following ovulation when you can only wait to see that magnificent second line appear on a pregnancy test. Of course, you can't take the tests at this point, because it's far too early to detect any HCG anyway, and it wouldn't make any sense to be crushed when it's impossible to know anyway. So, we wait, vacillating between blind faith and the possibility of failure. It's a complicated dance.

If you're in my boat and need some suggestions to keep your mind off of the calendar during your two-week-wait, you're in luck! I've got several suggestions for you:

1. Travel. There's no easier way to lose track of time than to travel. The farther away, the better. If you can go off the grid and enjoy an electronics-free vacation, do it. You probably won't be harassed by well-meaning relatives and you'll get so lost in enjoying yourself that you won't have time to think about being stressed.

2. Media. If you're a reader like me, visit your local library and stock up. I can go through novels quickly, so I would probably invest in 10-15 books for this waiting period. If you're not a book lover, no worries! Find a series you love on Netflix and go crazy! I've been using this method for the past eight months, and I've seen some great shows. I personally loved Gossip Girl, Missing, Arrested Development, The Office, Parks & Recreation, How I Met Your Mother, New Girl, 30 Rock, and many others. I just started watching Breaking Bad tonight, and I'm already hooked after the first episode.

3. Grow something! Okay, this works for surviving infertility in general, but it definitely applies to this portion of it. Go plant a garden. Water it. Weed it, as needed. And watch that soil grow something. Fruits, vegetables, flowers, whatever, just plant it. You will be surprised at how therapeutic it is to remember that you can grow something, even if your body isn't where that something is growing. You'll feel more fertile and accomplished after a month of gardening than you'd think. Try it and find out!

4. Meditate. I am terrible at incorporating this one, but I've read from reputable sources that deep breathing boosts fertility. I took a semester-long Yoga course in 2010 and remember feeling so good after class each day. I'm going to start trying this one tonight when I go to bed. Deep breathing is so great anyway, as it clears your mind and supplies your brain with additional oxygen. It boosts your thinking and makes you feel better. If you're not sure how to do yoga breathing properly, look it up on YouTube, and I'm sure there are tutorial videos. If it's causing a loud sound from the back of your throat, you're probably doing it right.

5. Laugh. Do you have a friend who keeps you giggling all the time? Do you have a movie or TV show that always cracks you up? Now is a good time to revisit them. If you're laughing, you're happy. If you're happy, you aren't stressed out. And if you're anything like me, this two-week-wait sure can be stressful since you have no control anymore. Bring some humor into your life during this time. I promise you won't regret it.

That's all I've got for now, but if you need more ideas, let me know! I can help you out. With 2.5 years of this under my belt, I by no means consider myself a pro, but I'm happy to share what I do know. Do you have any additional ideas? Leave me a comment; I'd love to hear them!

Happy two-week-wait! And may the odds be ever in your favor!

#sorryimnotsorry & Meet Clomid

Hi friends. Part of me wants to apologize for my last post, but the other part of me genuinely feels like it's important for the world to see what happens behind closed doors. I hope that doesn't make me selfish. I think that the best part of success is the back story--the struggle--because that's why the success is even worth anything. My children that I have one day are going to know that they are precious, wanted, and beloved. And I honestly feel that the years I have spent waiting for them will be totally worth it one day. So, I hope I didn't offend anyone or hurt any feelings. Because I love you guys all a whole lot, and I'd never want you to feel like you aren't worthy of your happiness, because you are.

I'm over my pity party for now and 3/5 of the way through my Clomid for this month. From all of the potential side effects that Clomid has listed, the only one I'm really experiencing is random hot flashes.  I'm glad that's it, because I was already having a hard enough time this last week. Part of me is even grateful for the hot flashes because I know the Clomid is doing something. I still have to wait another week to even find anything out about it, but I'm stoked to see if it works.

If you're unfamiliar with Clomid, here's how it works: from day 3 through day 7 of your cycle, you take your prescribed dosage. Because this is my first month on it, I am taking the lowest dosage (50 mg). Prescriptions of Clomid start low and go up depending on your body's reaction to it. The hope is that it will stimulate your ovaries into producing more of their regular hormones, potentially causing your body to release more eggs during ovulation. This is where Clomid twins come from. As far as I know, there's about a 20% chance of having twins while on Clomid. The idea of twins freaks me out a little, but I would much rather end up with twins than no baby at all. On day 12 of your cycle, you're supposed to go back in to have an ultrasound with your doctor. I visit a Reproductive Endocrinologist who is a specialist in infertility, but I've heard of regular OBGYNs prescribing Clomid on a pretty regular basis. (If you're going this route, make sure you schedule an ultrasound so you don't end up with a baker's dozen in that oven.) I'll be going in to have my ultrasound for this cycle on August 5th, and at that appointment we will make a game plan for the following month, since we will be able to see what the Clomid has done so far. If my body has released too many eggs (which is indicative of too high of a dosage), I'll have to wait to conceive until next month so that I don't end up with a high-risk pregnancy and all of the other disadvantages of multiples. If my body hasn't released enough eggs (0-1), then I can still try to conceive this month, but it will be less likely to happen. Right now, our ideal number is 1-2 eggs. As usual, I'm guarded but optimistic. So, that's Clomid, in a nutshell.

I just wanted to give the world a little update and let you know I haven't totally gone off the deep end yet. I didn't leave my house for a few days, and I'm binge reading Mindy Kaling and Tina Fey's books, Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? (And Other Concerns) and Bossypants, respectively. These ladies are career-driven, hilarious, normal people who do a great job of distracting me of what's been going on here. My dog, Mollie, has also been a fabulous cuddle-buddy for the past few days, as usual. I totally love having a dog instead of a puppy. She's not hyper anymore, she's trained, and she understands the expectations we have of her in our home. Plus, she sleeps even more than I do. She's kind of perfect. Josh has also been great. I don't think I mentioned it, but he went on a midnight ice cream run for me last week and brought me home cupcakes for breakfast. (Those are my go-to comfort foods.) He's also been really sweet and doesn't mind if I just want to hang out and drive around with him while he's working. He's even humoring me and considering going on a vacation with me in January for our fifth anniversary. (Do it, do it!) Anyway, he's great. Also, I have a fabulous support group made up largely of friends and family members who have been wonderful in letting me know I'm not alone. This struggle feels super lonely at times, but I'm hanging in here (and learning lots about the world of comedy while I'm at it). Thank you to everyone who had a kind word to say and for keeping our little family in your prayers. I'll never know everyone who has prayed for us, but I do feel comforted, and we are continuing to move forward. Wish us luck for this month!

Crickets: The World Keeps on Spinning

It's been quiet around here lately. A little bit too quiet. Sorry about that. Among all of the traveling I've been doing this summer, it's rare when I'm even home, and forget about having time to think of witty things to write. I think I'm going to have a couple weeks of down time though, so maybe I'll write more. I guess it will depend on if I have anything exciting to say.

Honestly, I don't have much news right now. I'm just waiting, waiting. My life is watching the second hand tick on the clock, literally watching time pass before my eyes. What else can I do? I'm still in limbo. I'm still in a standoff with my body--refusing to believe the fact that it may never carry children. I'm stubborn in my beliefs, and my body is stubborn in hers. Our guns are each pointed at each other, and I keep hoping she'll lower hers and surrender. I hope we can come to some sort of compromise, but it will just depend on what she wants, I guess. I'm always at her mercy. I'm sure I've said it all before. I've been dreaming about having babies of my own since I was probably eight years old, and yet I'm nearing twenty-five and have nothing of that sort to show for myself. In Jack White's famous words, "Oh well, oh well, oh well."

On the bright side, I'll find out in a few short days if I'll be needing Clomid this next month. Which also means that I'll find out soon if this last month stuck. We'll see. I analyze my symptoms each month in hopes that some telltale sign will manifest itself, praying that this will be my month. Each month, I start calculating due dates and other exciting dates and times, and I really feel like this month would be completely perfect. April would be a great time to have a baby! Josh will be finishing school, and who knows what exciting adventures will be in store for us then? Parenthood would be pretty cool. And, until then, I'm not taking any extra tests. I'm not hyping myself up and convincing myself that this is my month. Because, while it really could be, it's entirely possible that it is not. (Honestly, I'll probably finish this post and go take a test, because I have NO self-control. Let's be real here!)

As I'm sure everyone in the English-speaking world already knows, the Duchess of Cambridge, Kate, from William and Kate, gave birth to a baby boy today. On some Facebook groups that I follow, administrators were asking what infertile women were doing to keep their minds off of the news, and it got me really thinking. Why shouldn't be we happy to celebrate the exciting news of others? There is no rule that says that because one person had a baby that I won't or that others struggling never will. There's no shortage of little souls waiting to be sent to families. I know that such a public excitement over a baby could be upsetting to some, but why? Why don't we all focus on the positives in the world instead of worrying about our own little corners of negativity? I'm so happy for the royal family! What a wonderful thing! Babies are always blessings, and they always deserve celebration.

I'm holding my breath right now. My two week wait is coming to an end, and I'm hopeful in a way I've been hopeful 25 other times, but different and unique because this month I'm sure I did it right, the same way I've been certain so many other times. I'm not sure what to say or do at this point, because I'm too busy crossing my fingers and accepting the fact that I've done all I can this month. And the world is watching England right now, eagerly anticipating more baby news, and I'm still holding my breath while the crickets chirp and I wait for news of my own. I'm breaking my silence, but I don't have anything to say, yet. I don't know why they call it a "waiting game." It's really not fun for anyone.

Reclaiming My Life from Infertility

Another month has come and gone and I am still not pregnant. I'm still daydreaming about names and wondering what my little babes will one day look like, but my body is not cooperating, and I'm sure frustrated about it. I do have some news, though, and I believe I'm getting closer to having answers.

Infertility was never something I thought I would struggle with. I always knew it was a possibility, but I never really thought it would be such an ordeal. I was always told that trying to get pregnant would be the "fun" part, but trying so hard, month after month, isn't really that fun at all. It's so much more than just intimate time with my husband. It's tracking my temperature every single morning to chart my basal body temperature. It's peeing on a stick every morning to figure out if my body even ovulates at all. It's taking thyroid medication every single morning in hopes that my thyroid is my body's only problem. It's taking prenatal vitamins even though I doubt it will matter that I remembered them at all. It's timing everything and hoping and praying that one of these months I'll be pleasantly surprised with a miracle. So far that has not been my experience. I had a friend crassly comment on one of my blog entries that my writing should be more about the trying portion of getting pregnant. Um, hello. This is what my entire life is, right now. This is how I try. If you want to read about the physiological process of conception, there are plenty of websites that are all about it. I try to keep this page pretty PG. We're all adults here, and we know how this stuff works. So... yeah. (PS- telling me to "just relax" is belittling and won't fix anything. For the first year that Joshua and I tried to conceive, I was very easygoing about the entire thing. I only started getting so anal about tracking when I knew there was a problem, over a year into trying. Tracking everything makes my doctor's appointments go easier and helps them and me see patterns and identify what's really happening with my body.)

Whew. Sorry about that tangent.

I had a couple of blood tests done last week, and I was pleasantly surprised with how awesome my phlebotomist was. She got the angle just right on my vein and my blood flowed right out! I had very minimal bruising, and my blood came out much faster than at my other blood draws. I was really stoked about it and haven't stopped gushing about her. My thyroid levels were checked to figure out if my medication was working, and my progesterone levels were checked too. Then I had the unpleasant task of waiting for my results...

It's funny, because I'd been waiting for weeks for Josh's results of his semen analysis, and then I started getting all of my (and his) results all at once. Of course, Josh's results weren't interpreted for us, so I had to Google all of his numbers, but they all looked to be within the normal range. That was a little frustrating because now I know for sure that the problem is something with my body, but it could still be basically anything. So annoying.

The next day, I received my thyroid results, which were back to normal! Woohoo! I don't know if that will get me pregnant, but it will have me feeling better. In fact, I haven't noticed a huge change with my energy levels, but I am in a much better mood most of the time. Before going on Levothyroxine Sodium, I was very moody most of the time (hehe). I picked fights with my husband often and often felt and acted irrationally angry over small things. I don't know why I did those things. I don't feel so angry anymore, and I'm ashamed that I was upset as often as I was. I really don't understand hormones sometimes. Other than that, I don't feel much different with my medication. I do have an easier time waking up in the morning, so that's something. Other than that, I feel mostly the same as I did before.

After getting my thyroid results back, I was hopeful that everything was under control. Soon after, however, I received news that my progesterone levels weren't doing so hot. I really hadn't done a ton of research about low progesterone levels, so I began educating myself. The funny thing is that so many of the symptoms are things I've been experiencing. I hadn't even connected that my symptoms were linked to low progesterone levels. I'm not going to get into all of the symptoms (they are all over online), but as of right now I'm kind of at a loss as far as where to go from here. I wasn't expecting low progesterone. I was kind of just hoping that my thyroid was my only issue. At least we're figuring this out though, right?

My suspicion is that my body ovulates every month but that, after ovulation, it doesn't produce the amount of progesterone that it should. Because of tracking my temperature each day, I can see that my temperature dips and then rises, indicative of ovulation, but it doesn't stay as high as it should. This results in too thin of a lining of my uterus, making implantation impossible. So even if I am ovulating and Josh's sperm reaches my egg and fertilizes it, my body has nowhere to put it and discards it. If this is the case, hormone therapy might be my answer. I'll have to up my intake of progesterone after ovulation each month and hope that it's enough to sustain life. Then I will likely have to continue taking progesterone at least until the first trimester is over (because at that point the placenta creates progesterone of its own and won't need any outside help). I have read about people combining this type of hormone therapy with Clomid, but I'm not sure why, since Clomid can have side effects (such as thinning the lining of the uterus) that are the opposite of what I need. I wrote my doctor a message tonight, asking him where we go from here, and I'm looking forward to hearing back from him. I really don't know what to do at this point. I hope that progesterone medication will help me. If I can get pregnant that way, we'll have solved the puzzle of my infertility.

Either way, I'm done sitting around. I'm back to working out and eating healthier and not giving up on me. I've been too depressed for too long about this, putting my life on hold, waiting for the ever-evasive motherhoood to creep up on me, and I'm ready to take control of my life again. If I end up getting pregnant, that would be great. If I end up adopting, that would be wonderful. And if neither of those things end up happening? Well, I guess we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. In the meantime, I'm ready to reclaim my life back from infertility. I'm taking control and waking up from this dazed state. And it feels good.