I'm trying something totally new today and writing this entire post from my phone. I really like my phone, but it's not a computer, so don't judge if the formatting is weird or I don't catch all of my spelling/grammar typos before I post. I'll try. :)
Today's prompt over at Story of My Life is to write about "The thing(s) you're most afraid of." I'm already getting nervous just thinking about things I'm afraid of, just because I don't like to think about them too much. I'm afraid of many things. That might be part of beig a woman, or maybe it's just part of being me.
Two years ago, if I'd been asked the same question, I would have easily answered that my biggest fear was that Josh would not come home to me from his deployment. So many things could have gone wrong. He could have died in combat or found his soulmate around the world from me and left me for her. He could have come home as someone different, someone unkind and broken by the horrors of war. He could have been maimed, physically or mentally. There were so many variables, but none that I had any control over. His homecoming was actually ideal, the way it happened and everything. I still have my whole husband, in one piece. There have been a few changes, like sometimes he has bad dreams, and he gets anxious around blood, but he's still my same sweet boy I sent off. But that was my fear two years ago.
My fear one year ago was that something was wrong with my body. I'd been suspicious that I hadn't gotten pregnant so far at that point in time, but we hadn't been actively trying, so I kept trying to write off the worries I'd had for a long time that my body wasn't going to let me carry a baby. Honestly, this is still one of my fears. Josh and I were talking about following our dreams the other night, and I finally verbalized how much it sucks that I have a dream that I can't realize. I mean, I know God is going to be the one who ultimately decides when I get pregnant, but I am starting to think that maybe I need to reassess my dreams in the meantime. We'll find out in a couple of weeks when we go to the doctor to check out my lady parts. But I think that going back to school (already?!) and getting my teaching license might be a smart plan for the meantime. Anyway, a year ago, now, this is still my fear.
My biggest fear, though, is not living my life to its fullest. It's dying full of regret. It's not pursuing my dreams. Seriously. It's having what-ifs at the end of my life. Because I feel like I'm not really living if I have regrets. It's not getting my degree or going to Hawaii or spending as much time with my loved ones as I can. It's not being grateful for what I have or being too shy to make new friends. It's saying no when I could say yes or giving up when I should try harder. Because today is all I have guaranteed, and this moment could be my last. I don't want to look back at my life and be disappointed. That's what I'm most afraid of in this world.
The funny thing about fear is that if you use it, you can be motivated into doing amazing things. Who knows where my fears take me? Maybe I'll adopt an entire orphanage or write a best-seller. Maybe I'll finally get pregnant and have the family I've been dreaming of. Whatever the case, I'm still young, and the future is wide open in front of me, as long as I'm not to scared to own it.
Today's prompt over at Story of My Life is to write about "The thing(s) you're most afraid of." I'm already getting nervous just thinking about things I'm afraid of, just because I don't like to think about them too much. I'm afraid of many things. That might be part of beig a woman, or maybe it's just part of being me.
Two years ago, if I'd been asked the same question, I would have easily answered that my biggest fear was that Josh would not come home to me from his deployment. So many things could have gone wrong. He could have died in combat or found his soulmate around the world from me and left me for her. He could have come home as someone different, someone unkind and broken by the horrors of war. He could have been maimed, physically or mentally. There were so many variables, but none that I had any control over. His homecoming was actually ideal, the way it happened and everything. I still have my whole husband, in one piece. There have been a few changes, like sometimes he has bad dreams, and he gets anxious around blood, but he's still my same sweet boy I sent off. But that was my fear two years ago.
My fear one year ago was that something was wrong with my body. I'd been suspicious that I hadn't gotten pregnant so far at that point in time, but we hadn't been actively trying, so I kept trying to write off the worries I'd had for a long time that my body wasn't going to let me carry a baby. Honestly, this is still one of my fears. Josh and I were talking about following our dreams the other night, and I finally verbalized how much it sucks that I have a dream that I can't realize. I mean, I know God is going to be the one who ultimately decides when I get pregnant, but I am starting to think that maybe I need to reassess my dreams in the meantime. We'll find out in a couple of weeks when we go to the doctor to check out my lady parts. But I think that going back to school (already?!) and getting my teaching license might be a smart plan for the meantime. Anyway, a year ago, now, this is still my fear.
My biggest fear, though, is not living my life to its fullest. It's dying full of regret. It's not pursuing my dreams. Seriously. It's having what-ifs at the end of my life. Because I feel like I'm not really living if I have regrets. It's not getting my degree or going to Hawaii or spending as much time with my loved ones as I can. It's not being grateful for what I have or being too shy to make new friends. It's saying no when I could say yes or giving up when I should try harder. Because today is all I have guaranteed, and this moment could be my last. I don't want to look back at my life and be disappointed. That's what I'm most afraid of in this world.
The funny thing about fear is that if you use it, you can be motivated into doing amazing things. Who knows where my fears take me? Maybe I'll adopt an entire orphanage or write a best-seller. Maybe I'll finally get pregnant and have the family I've been dreaming of. Whatever the case, I'm still young, and the future is wide open in front of me, as long as I'm not to scared to own it.
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