I have a confession to make: I was having a really difficult Mother's Day today. I had made plans to go hiking with my own mother a few days ago, and I seriously considered backing out so I could stay home and wallow in self-pity. Seriously, everything was going wrong earlier. My desk that I bought yesterday is still in its box, untouched, and I worry that I will never make the effort to put it together. Josh had to work (which I already knew, but I still didn't like). My shorts that fit me PERFECTLY last summer somehow shrunk during the winter and were too constricting when I put them on. I was trying to stay positive and receptive at church, but all I could really think of was all of the wonderful experiences I'm missing out on because I haven't been able to conceive a baby. Because SOMETHING hasn't been working between point A and point B, and we won't know what it is for at least another week and a half... So frustrating. Every topic at church was about mothers, which I totally understand, but I needed something else today. After church, when I got on Facebook, I had the opportunity to see that three of my friends had taken the opportunity today to announce that that are pregnant. (I swear, I really am SO happy for you guys. But I have to admit that I was feeling my face rubbed into the fact that you're ALL enjoying the exact same thing that I am dying to have right now.) Let's be honest, Mother's Day can be really difficult for those of us struggling to become mothers ourselves. Not just difficult. I lied. How about try depressing. Sad. Angry. Hurtful. Lonely. These were the thoughts going through my head today as I started my drive to meet up with my mom for our hike.
Thank goodness for loud music and a hot breeze blowing in through a car's open windows. Thank goodness for fast speed limits and cooperative traffic. Thank goodness for a full tank of gas and the smells of summer.
Our hike was fabulous. We trekked dry creek beds and let our hounds run free. We enjoyed sunshine and the heat of nearly summer as well as the cool shade provided by thousands of ancient trees. We talked and explored and sometimes lost ourselves in thought. We enjoyed a picnic lunch and then hiked some more. Lately, I've been feeling like just running away from everything. I've been so lost and I've felt so aimless that I've just wanted to take off. And my hike today totally took me back to being five years old, playing in the irrigation ditch in the woods on my parents' property. It reminded me of the long days I spent building dams, swinging from tree to tree, and playing in the glacial water, almost always alone.
You know what I really miss today? I miss feeling invincible. I miss being barefoot, running amok, and knowing exactly what I want out of life. I miss feeling like I could work hard enough and make anything happen that I wanted. I miss the feeling of complete control. I miss feeling empowered and important and directed. Because, these days, I really don't feel any of those things anymore. These days I just feel accomplished for leaving the house. These days I feel overwhelmed and frightened of what's to come. One thing I'm glad my younger self never knew is the fact that those feelings of control were a facade from the beginning. The older I grow, the more deeply I understand that. Is it the innocence I miss? Maybe. But mostly I miss thinking I ever knew anything at all. Because, in all honesty, the more I learn, the more I realize I don't know. Some days it's a nasty business, growing up.
(My beautiful mama and me. Her eyes really are that gorgeous!)
Thank goodness for loud music and a hot breeze blowing in through a car's open windows. Thank goodness for fast speed limits and cooperative traffic. Thank goodness for a full tank of gas and the smells of summer.
Our hike was fabulous. We trekked dry creek beds and let our hounds run free. We enjoyed sunshine and the heat of nearly summer as well as the cool shade provided by thousands of ancient trees. We talked and explored and sometimes lost ourselves in thought. We enjoyed a picnic lunch and then hiked some more. Lately, I've been feeling like just running away from everything. I've been so lost and I've felt so aimless that I've just wanted to take off. And my hike today totally took me back to being five years old, playing in the irrigation ditch in the woods on my parents' property. It reminded me of the long days I spent building dams, swinging from tree to tree, and playing in the glacial water, almost always alone.
You know what I really miss today? I miss feeling invincible. I miss being barefoot, running amok, and knowing exactly what I want out of life. I miss feeling like I could work hard enough and make anything happen that I wanted. I miss the feeling of complete control. I miss feeling empowered and important and directed. Because, these days, I really don't feel any of those things anymore. These days I just feel accomplished for leaving the house. These days I feel overwhelmed and frightened of what's to come. One thing I'm glad my younger self never knew is the fact that those feelings of control were a facade from the beginning. The older I grow, the more deeply I understand that. Is it the innocence I miss? Maybe. But mostly I miss thinking I ever knew anything at all. Because, in all honesty, the more I learn, the more I realize I don't know. Some days it's a nasty business, growing up.
(My beautiful mama and me. Her eyes really are that gorgeous!)
1 comment:
Great post! I read an article the week before mother's day written by a pastor's wife who also has infertility issues who said that she hated going to church on that day because it was all about the things she wasn't capable of. I spent all day thinking of that.
I also had several friends announce baby related news (expecting, sex, etc) on Mother's day.. didn't know that was the cool thing to do now.
Being outside always helps me clear my mind. And I completely agree with missing that feeling of being invincible. There wasn't anything I couldn't do a few years ago and now I feel like I just stare at roadblocks at every turn.
Adulthood blows. ;)
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