Happy Tuesday

Hi world.

I miss you.

I haven't been writing in a long time, primarily because there's not much to say.

 I still work full-time at a job I love, I am still married to my best friend, and I am still totally inexplicably infertile.

It could be easy to be down on myself during such a seemingly stagnant period of my life, and while I do have my days where I feel utter frustration at my lack of progression, I'm also totally loving the peace I have recently been able to reach. 

Don't get me wrong--I still want a family. 

I still want to be a mother with every crumb of my soul. 

But I'm on the cusp of turning 26 years old, and while I've been told (for years) to just "enjoy" this time alone with my husband, I feel like I'm just now finally starting to do that. 

Maybe it's the financial (semi)stability. 

Maybe it's the sense of permanence I feel with my husband or my friends or my family. 

Or maybe this peace simply comes from within, from letting go of all of the things I can't control. 

Maybe it's an internal thing that just happens when you're staring your late twenties in the face.

 I don't know, guys. 

This is my first try at life. 

But whatever the reason, I'm so so glad that this peace is here with me.

I love this unpredictable boy and the joy he brings me every single day.

 

I love my imperfectly perfect body.

I love this crazy, chaotic life.

Maybe one day I'll have a baby.

Maybe one day I'll adopt one.

Maybe I won't.

The funny thing about life is that you never really know what's going to happen next, so you really have no other choice but to embrace the now and hope for the best. 

And isn't that all that anyone really needs? Right now?

Happy Tuesday, my friends.

XOXO,

Bryn

Three Years Ago

One of our last pictures we took together before the deployment. Utah Lake, June 2011

 On this day, three years ago, I kissed my honey goodbye and sent him to war. I sent him to Iraq--to suicide bombers and RPGs and secret missions in secret places he's still not allowed to talk about. I also sent him knowing well that he may not make it home for one reason or another. He promised me he'd come back to me, but you simply can't make promises like that when it comes to war. It is war, after all, where there are people actively trying to kill you, let alone all of the friendly fire and many freak accidents. He's even told me himself that when his base would be mortared that it was a complete lottery: where one man had been standing, he'd be completely destroyed while the man next to him didn't have a scratch. That's the way war works: complete chance, freckled with miracles.

Alex was one of my favorite parts about the deployment. She is amazing. North Shore, Oahu, July or August 2011

 While Josh was gone, I spent six months with his sister. She is one of my very best friends, and we had some crazy adventures together in his absence, with banding together in Hawaii, escaping a crazy lady's house, hiking, swimming, and adventuring, living together again in Utah, and then nannying in Maryland. And being with even just one member of Josh's family made the days easier for me. I still felt connected to him in a way I don't know I would have felt otherwise.

Sunset on the North Shore of Oahu, July or August 2011

I talk a lot about the fun I had while he was gone--and there was a lot of fun--but the truth is that it was really hard too. We'd go for days without even emailing, and I would have no idea how he was doing. I couldn't leave my phone anywhere (just in case he called), and if I missed a call, I'd become so distraught that I would sob uncontrollably for way longer than necessary.I had absolutely no control over our relationship or the communication we shared. Ultimately, I was always afraid for his life. Wherever I was, whatever I was doing, in the back of my mind I was worrying about him. I'd make what-if plans in my head for what I'd do if he never came home, and I prayed every night that I wouldn't have to find out. Josh jokes that I just vacationed while he was gone, and I did a lot of that, but there was always the underlying feeling of dread and the sadness of experiencing so much wonder and beauty without being able to share it with the person you care about the most.

We didn't Skype half as often as I'd have liked, but it was amazing to see him when we did.

 The funny thing is that sometimes I miss it. And I know that it's normal for the soldiers themselves to experience nostalgia for war, but I've never heard of a wife wishing her husband would go back. Not because I want him to be in war, exactly, but more that I really enjoyed being completely independent while he was away, and sometimes I miss not having to tell anyone where I'm going or what I'm doing. Sometimes I miss shopping without the constant criticism of how much money I'm spending. Sometimes I miss having only my own messes to clean up. The truth of it is, sometimes I miss having complete freedom. Maybe that sounds weird, and maybe nobody will understand it, but it's true for me. And I know he misses it too.

He's a pretty cool guy, that Joshua.

The past three years have been filled with school and work. They've been spent trying to start our family and moving and beginning professional careers. They've been filled with laughter and love. They've also been filled with depression and heartache and the longing for something more. And, for six months, the last three years also consisted of my sweetheart being gone, training, fighting bad people, and our own separate independence.

Hottest steely-eyed killer I ever saw.

 And really, this post is just about saying thank you to my guy for being brave and coming home and putting up with me in the meantime. I know that I've had my imperfect moments all along the way, but I hope that the love I've got for you can at least cancel some of that out. Thank you for serving, and thank you for coming home to me.

-B

Why Dogs Are the Greatest

Puppy Mollie, spring 2010

Mollie, spring 2013, in her trademark cocked-head pose

In case you don't know, I am the proud owner of a Moody-shepherd. What? You've never heard of one of those? Well, neither had I, before Mollie. In fact, I may have made up that breed... Mollie is a dog, but it's tough to name the exact breed because she has the traits of a couple. She has fur coloring and patterns like a Belgian Malinois with the face and webbed paws of a lab. For the longest time we thought she was just some kind of German Shepherd, and none of her vets knew what to make of her. We never sent in her DNA for testing because it's expensive, unnecessary, and less fun to know. We like the guessing part of her.

Today, at age 3 1/2, she weighs about 60 pounds. She stands about as tall as a lab and sports a big, friendly smile. She used to be a BUSY puppy who tore everything up and was too smart for her own good, but after turning 2, she mellowed out big time. She's so awesome that I decided to make a list of the reasons why she is great (which obviously translates to why dogs are the greatest). This is a good go-to list if you're considering adopting a dog or if you just love them and want to look at cute pictures.

Mollie, sharing in watching The Office's finale episode, CLEARLY respecting my space...

10. Mollie respects physical boundaries. I mean, she's a dog, so she's kind of annoying when she makes you pet her or shoves her freezing nose into your palm when it hangs off the bed, but she's not the type of dog who stands on top of you when you sit on the ground or tries to climb into your lap (usually). And if you tell her to go away, she will!

Hiking with my favorite girl! She loves the mountains as much as I do!

9. She keeps me company. Guess how fun it is to hang out at home for 11 hours a day while my husband works? It's actually really boring and really lonely, especially when going through fertility issues. Mollie will follow me around my house, wherever I go. Even if I'm just running to the bathroom, Mollie comes and curls up right outside of the door and waits for me to be done. She likes me and likes to be around me, and it makes me feel better knowing I have somebody around, even if it's "just" a dog.

Taking a shower with her dad since we don't have a tub

8. She listens. Did you know that Mollie taught herself the command "go to bed" on her own? She picked up from context clues that every night before Josh and I would go to bed (way back when she was about six months old) that we would stretch, turn off the TV, and say, "It's time for bed." One day, after Josh did that routine, we realized that Mollie went straight to her kennel. Laughing, we called her out and then told her to "go to bed," not exactly sure what she would do. We were completely amazed when she immediately returned to her kennel. She got crazy amounts of praise for that, and it quickly became a favorite trick to show our friends. Anyway, Mollie is super obedient, and I love it.

Mollie tolerating Bradley the Boxer, even though he's a wild, crazy, energetic puppy

7. Mollie is social. Have you ever been around a dog that just got along with everybody? That's Mollie. She smiles and makes friends with all different kinds of dogs and humans with ease. Because she's big (especially compared to little kids), little ones are typically timid with her, so she gently stands there or licks their hands. We had the daughter of a friend ask once why Mollie licked so nicely because she was so gentle. My niece and nephews love to take her by her leash and run her around their yard. She trots along so patiently and stops whenever they do. My 3-year-old nephew loves the idea of her but gets scared when he's got her leash, and she just stands there while he screams and runs away, his screams turning into laughter. She's kind of perfect.

 

Mollie, clearly loving being babied (note: extended claws to hold on better)

6. She's our baby substitute (for now). Remember how we've been trying for over 2 1/2 years to get pregnant and it hasn't even almost happened yet? There have been a lot of tears about that in our home. It's been a heartache that I would never wish on anyone. And having someone little who needs you when you're wrapped up in depression can sometimes help you snap out of it and remind you to think about somebody else (even if she's little and furry). Mollie fills the baby role in our home in many ways, and it's fun to baby her for now.

Livin' it up, ET style

5. Mollie's a conversation-starter. Know what people can relate to? Dogs. People who have and love dogs love to talk about what they love about them. Especially because of Mollie's obedience, lots of people ask us about our methods of training and what type of dog she is (since she's not a distinct breed). If you're wondering about training, we used Dan Sullivan's The Perfect Dog system, and it worked great for her. She hasn't had the training collar on in over two months, and she still listens nearly perfectly. Not everyone will agree with that method of training, but whatever. I see it as being a lot like parenting where different methods work for different types of children, and where it can be a touchy subject. Either way, it gets people talking, and we love making new friends.

Sunday nap style with the three amigos

4. She brings us together. Joshua and I have worked so hard to train Mollie to do her different tricks. I'm currently training her to close the door when she comes inside, and it's not easy. Whenever we master a trick, it's easy for Josh and I to look at each other with pride and recognize the hard work that went into training her. I think of this as kind of like parenting when you see your child apply the knowledge that you've taught it. So we have parental pride over our dog... whatever. We love her.

She's especially tough when in uniform

3. She alerts me to dangers. Ever been home alone and not heard when someone was at your door? I know I have! Whenever Mollie is inside with me, she barks anytime there's someone outside of our door. She doesn't do this in an annoying way, but she does it to alert me and to alert the "intruder" that she is there. It's pretty intimidating, and I wouldn't want to be the idiot who chose to cross her when she's in guard dog mode. Once when we lived in Provo, she alerted us when a gunshot victim had stumbled into the parking lot next to our house. Pretty crazy place, that Provo...

Just napping wherever she feels like it, since she's a dog

2. Mollie is way lower maintenance than a baby. She needs to be fed once or twice a day, her water dish needs to be filled every few days (we use a big bowl), and she needs to be let out to do her business every few hours. We walk her occasionally, but she gets tons of exercise playing outside with our landlords' bloodhound, Sweets. It's a pretty perfect setup. Also, if we need to leave, we don't have to find a babysitter for her (unless we'll be gone overnight), and it isn't illegal to lock her in a kennel, if needed.

 Accompanying me on a vacation to California's coast. She's so happy her shadow is smiling.

1. She gives me someone to love! It probably sounds dumb, but I have so much love in my heart, and sometimes I really just need to hug and kiss on someone. My husband isn't exactly the touchiest-feeliest kind of guy, so sometimes I need to love on someone else. Enter Mollie. Mollie loves my attention, and she even reciprocates it. And there's really nothing more satisfying than being away for a couple of days and having your pup cry in excitement to see you. Honestly, I love seeing Josh when I've been gone, but I get WAY more excited to love on Mollie when she's shaking with happiness. It's really the best feeling.

So, whether you already have a dog or you're thinking about getting one, consider these excellent reasons why they are so wonderful. Of course, there are many downsides to having dogs too, but the love and companionship you'll share will far outweigh any negatives. Sometimes I wonder if she's my guardian angel, as silly as that sounds. I love my Mollie, and I couldn't imagine how boring things would be without her.

Cuddling with her dad on the couch. I love that her ears are sticking up!

Because, honestly, who couldn't love that sweet face?

Do you agree with these ten reasons why dogs are the best? What do you think about dogs? Do you love them to death or think they're more trouble than they're worth?

Why You Should Be Happy Right Now!

I just wanted to take a moment right now to remind you of something terribly important. 

You are living. You are here right now, existing, soaking in light, metabolizing food, enjoying the soft glow of a screen. You are a breathing, intelligent person who can read. You could have been any of millions of different combinations of people, but you are you--beautiful, smart, and brave! Remember that humans are not incredibly fertile creatures (my RE told me so!), so it's simply a miracle that you exist. You are a miracle! Never forget that!

This is your life! You have this terrible/beautiful opportunity right now to make your mark on the world. You have a chance to leave your legacy behind--whether for good or bad. You have so much power at this moment in time! I once had a teacher who would always say, "Make it a good day to be you." You have that opportunity, right now, at this moment, and at every moment every day. You have the chance to make your life one that you can proudly look back at and think, "What a wild ride!"

You are an amazing creature, oozing with potential. Why don't you go and do something with it today? Today, right now, at this very moment, this is your sign. Get out there and leave your mark!

Ten Amazing Beaches on Oahu

Okay folks, remember my Hawaii series? It's finally happening! I'm going to write all about Hawaii. Today's topic is about beaching. I'm going to tell you about ten of my very favorite beaches on Oahu (and why) in no particular order (because all of Oahu is amazing, and every beach is my favorite). Remember, I've lived on Oahu twice, and for only 3-4 months at a time during the summer months. I LOVE it there, but I'm definitely no expert. These beaches are just some of my personal favorites.

10. Iroquois Point. I am partial to this beach because it is the beach right by where I lived two years ago. It's located on the south end of the island in Ewa Beach. It was well within walking distance from our townhouse, and it had lots of great amenities. I love that there are volleyball nets, pergolas, and beach chairs all already on the beach. This beach isn't my favorite for swimming because of heavy rocks and debris in the water, but it is one of my favorites for the cool things you can see. Iroquois Point is in a unique location, at the mouth of Pearl Harbor, and submarines, jets, and commercial airplanes pass by on a regular basis. From this beach, you can watch planes land at Honolulu International Airport, and you can also find random creatures on the shore. One day, my sister-in-law Alex and I saw a seal swim right up on shore, take a short break, and then swim away again. This is a cool beach to visit if you get a chance. This is NOT located near a bus stop, despite what people may say. It's a 2.5 mile walk from the North Road stop.

9. Shark's Cove. People are going to tell you about places to go snorkeling in Hawaii, but if they tell you to go to Hanauma Bay and don't mention Shark's Cove, they don't know what they're talking about. (Spoiler Alert: Hanauma Bay is overcrowded with tourists and is where I saw my first dead body...) Shark's Cove is located on the north shore of the island in Pupukea near a grocery store and across the street from Shark's Cove Grill (which serves DELICIOUS food, by the way). Despite the ominous name, I've never seen sharks at this location. This is, however, the perfect place to see a variety of brightly colored fish. Some people even SCUBA here, but I'm still too chicken to try that. Get there early to avoid crowds. Shark's Cove is located on the bus line.

8. Waikiki Beach. Everybody goes to this beach. It's the one in all the movies. Waikiki beach actually reminds me a lot of The Strip in Las Vegas. It's shiny and beautiful from afar but raunchy and drunk once you get closer. If you must visit this beach, don't do it on a weekend. Honestly, every day is busy down here, but if you're visiting when it's not peak season, it shouldn't be too crowded. Normally, however, finding a place to put your towel is a chore. There are many amenities provided here, which is probably why tourists like it so much. You can rent a surf board, stand up paddle board, boogie board, or get lessons for any of them. This beach is also located across the street from many high-end stores, so you can go shopping when your slippers (flip-flops) break. If you're on the bus, Waikiki Beach has many stops (because it's such a long strip of beach), but if you wait until you're nearer to the zoo, you'll have an easier time finding a less crowded part of the beach.

7. Waimea Bay. This beach rocks for a myriad of reasons, but mostly because of its rock. There is literally a giant rock located in this placid bay, and it's crazy fun to jump from. I'm sure people get hurt jumping here, but I've never actually seen that happen (and I've been there and jumped several times). Rumor has it that during the winter the waves here are phenomenal and that this is the location of multiple surf competitions during the winter months. I haven't seen that for myself, but I have played at this beach many times during the summer. There's also an expensive hike you can take in the canyon behind this beach, if you'd like to see a waterfall and swim in fresh water. Some people like that, but I think the bay is the best part. Waimea Bay is on the bus line (and parking there is atrocious, so the bus is the way to go if you can).

6. Pipeline/Sunset Beach. These two go together because (as far as I know) they are next door to each other and are nearly indistinguishable from one another. This beach is located on the north shore, east of Shark's Cove, and is one of my favorites. Even during the summer, the waves here are crazy high and will pound you into the sand if you're not careful. Obviously, during the winter this is where many surf competitions happen because of the famously high waves. This beach is good for swimming during the summer (if you're careful) and is great for watching the sunset during any season. As cliche as it sounds, there's a likely chance you will hear a ukelele playing while you're on this beach, just because you're in Hawaii and that's how it goes. Pipeline/Sunset Beach is on the bus line.

5. Kailua. Kailua Beach is located on the east side of the island in a rich area and has some of the most gorgeous scenery I have ever seen. People often have weddings right on the beach here because of the beauty. The white sandy beaches and turquoise water are a perfect combination. I've only been here once or twice, but I'll never forget the beauty. I'm fairly positive Kailua Beach is not on the bus line.

4. Waimanalo. Don't worry, but this is where Alex and I saw a shark. I'm pretty sure it was just a little reef shark, but it was swimming in a wave behind us and I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't scared anyway! Waimanalo is located just south of Kailua and also offers lovely scenery. Lots of people do professional photos from this beach, and it is not located near the bus line (but it's totally worth the hike).

3. Electric Beach/Tracks Beach. It's usually locals who call this beach Tracks Beach and it's usually tourists who I've heard call it Electric Beach, but it is the same either way. This beach is located on the west side of the island, just north of Ko'olina, and is across the street from the electric plant. (You'll know the power plant when you see it.) There are train tracks that you have to cross to get to this beach, which is why it's sometimes called Tracks Beach. Pictures you take on this beach are really cool because of the dry mountains and the smoke stacks in the background. There is a pipe that leads from the electric plant out into the ocean, attracting all kinds of wildlife. This is a popular spot to see whales during their migration season in the winter months and porpoises (dolphins) year-round. Seals frequent this beach as well, and so do sea turtles. The swimming would be great at this beach because of the size of the waves, but there are lots of big rocks in the water, making swimming painful. Many people snorkel and SCUBA in this area, and there's rumor of a Tiger Shark who frequents this area, probably preying on the wildlife that's attracted to the hot water pipe. Be careful, as always! This beach is located on the bus line. If riding the bus, get off at the power plant.

2. Dillingham Airfield. This is the place to see turtles! There's a popular beach for turtles closer to Shark's Cove that is also great, but this one is secluded (because no one knows about it) and still full of turtles! Dillingham Airfield isn't exactly the beach's name, but the beach is located across the street from the airfield. This is where people skydive on Oahu, and the parking lot isn't super close to where you'll actually see the turtles. You have to hike east and travel across a field and hill to get to the right spot. But if you can find it, this beach is perfect for sitting on and watching turtles. Remember that sea turtles are protected and should never be touched. If you see one in the water or on the beach, make sure you give it space to do its own thing. Honestly, I don't think this beach is on the bus line, but I'm not sure. It's on the north shore of the island but is almost as far west as you can go before the road ends.

1. Pounders Beach. This is my favorite beach on the whole entire island, located in Laie on the northeast side of the island. The waves here are spectacular. This is the best place to body surf on the island (in my opinion). There isn't debris hitting your ankles, there are lots of other people there (but not too many, because it's on the north shore), and the area is gorgeous. My one complaint about my favorite beach is that I always seem to get stung by Portuguese man-of-wars while swimming here. A Portuguese man-of-war is kind of like a tiny dark blue jellyfish, and it has tentacles that sting you when they touch you. I hear that they can grow to be quite large, but the ones on Pounders Beach are typically small. In any case, they're painful and can ruin a beach day really quickly. If you scope out the beach ahead of time and check out the sand to see if there are any tiny jelly-filled-creatures, you'll be able to determine your chances of being stung (and they CAN sting you while on the beach, so tread lightly). As far as I know, the tentacles on the little guys aren't going to kill you or anything, but they leave red bumps where they touch you, and they manage to sting and itch at the same time. Your skin will feel hot (because it's been POISONED), but it goes away within a few hours to a couple of days. Other than the stupid man-of-wars, I think that Pounders Beach is the best beach in all of Oahu. There's even a bus stop right at the beach, so you don't have to walk far to see this cool place.

I hope you've enjoyed the first installation of my Hawaii Series. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't totally homesick for the island, but what can you do? Maybe the money fairy will visit me soon and I'll be able to visit again. My love affair with Hawaii is intense and will never end.

Have you visited an awesome beach you want to tell me about? Have you been to Oahu and seen another beach that should be on this list? Let me know in the comments, and I'll add others if I agree with you!

#sorryimnotsorry & Meet Clomid

Hi friends. Part of me wants to apologize for my last post, but the other part of me genuinely feels like it's important for the world to see what happens behind closed doors. I hope that doesn't make me selfish. I think that the best part of success is the back story--the struggle--because that's why the success is even worth anything. My children that I have one day are going to know that they are precious, wanted, and beloved. And I honestly feel that the years I have spent waiting for them will be totally worth it one day. So, I hope I didn't offend anyone or hurt any feelings. Because I love you guys all a whole lot, and I'd never want you to feel like you aren't worthy of your happiness, because you are.

I'm over my pity party for now and 3/5 of the way through my Clomid for this month. From all of the potential side effects that Clomid has listed, the only one I'm really experiencing is random hot flashes.  I'm glad that's it, because I was already having a hard enough time this last week. Part of me is even grateful for the hot flashes because I know the Clomid is doing something. I still have to wait another week to even find anything out about it, but I'm stoked to see if it works.

If you're unfamiliar with Clomid, here's how it works: from day 3 through day 7 of your cycle, you take your prescribed dosage. Because this is my first month on it, I am taking the lowest dosage (50 mg). Prescriptions of Clomid start low and go up depending on your body's reaction to it. The hope is that it will stimulate your ovaries into producing more of their regular hormones, potentially causing your body to release more eggs during ovulation. This is where Clomid twins come from. As far as I know, there's about a 20% chance of having twins while on Clomid. The idea of twins freaks me out a little, but I would much rather end up with twins than no baby at all. On day 12 of your cycle, you're supposed to go back in to have an ultrasound with your doctor. I visit a Reproductive Endocrinologist who is a specialist in infertility, but I've heard of regular OBGYNs prescribing Clomid on a pretty regular basis. (If you're going this route, make sure you schedule an ultrasound so you don't end up with a baker's dozen in that oven.) I'll be going in to have my ultrasound for this cycle on August 5th, and at that appointment we will make a game plan for the following month, since we will be able to see what the Clomid has done so far. If my body has released too many eggs (which is indicative of too high of a dosage), I'll have to wait to conceive until next month so that I don't end up with a high-risk pregnancy and all of the other disadvantages of multiples. If my body hasn't released enough eggs (0-1), then I can still try to conceive this month, but it will be less likely to happen. Right now, our ideal number is 1-2 eggs. As usual, I'm guarded but optimistic. So, that's Clomid, in a nutshell.

I just wanted to give the world a little update and let you know I haven't totally gone off the deep end yet. I didn't leave my house for a few days, and I'm binge reading Mindy Kaling and Tina Fey's books, Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? (And Other Concerns) and Bossypants, respectively. These ladies are career-driven, hilarious, normal people who do a great job of distracting me of what's been going on here. My dog, Mollie, has also been a fabulous cuddle-buddy for the past few days, as usual. I totally love having a dog instead of a puppy. She's not hyper anymore, she's trained, and she understands the expectations we have of her in our home. Plus, she sleeps even more than I do. She's kind of perfect. Josh has also been great. I don't think I mentioned it, but he went on a midnight ice cream run for me last week and brought me home cupcakes for breakfast. (Those are my go-to comfort foods.) He's also been really sweet and doesn't mind if I just want to hang out and drive around with him while he's working. He's even humoring me and considering going on a vacation with me in January for our fifth anniversary. (Do it, do it!) Anyway, he's great. Also, I have a fabulous support group made up largely of friends and family members who have been wonderful in letting me know I'm not alone. This struggle feels super lonely at times, but I'm hanging in here (and learning lots about the world of comedy while I'm at it). Thank you to everyone who had a kind word to say and for keeping our little family in your prayers. I'll never know everyone who has prayed for us, but I do feel comforted, and we are continuing to move forward. Wish us luck for this month!

Understanding Infertility: the Shock of Pregnancy

Aunt Flo has been an unwelcome guest in my home once again. I'm horribly frustrated right now, especially because almost every good friend I have is currently expecting. Even friends who said it was my turn next. I guess they're starting to realize that I really can't control the fact that I am not getting pregnant. On the day that my "time of the month" began, I had two very good friends announce pregnancies to me within twenty four hours, and I won't lie--I didn't handle it well. I know I try to be positive on this page, and generally in life, but I'm going to be real today and discuss the raw emotions that come with infertility and how to deal with them. Because I honestly feel like the only thing worse than struggling with infertility is not understanding the struggle behind it.

When you announce to your infertile friends that you are expecting, there is a whirlwind of emotion that you bring. The first thing that pops into my head is complete shock. I know that pregnancy is typically more shocking for the people experiencing it, but I am always caught off guard about the whole pregnancy thing, especially when it's people who say they haven't been trying. Maybe I'll get used to it, but maybe not. It's always completely surprising when I hear the news, and I always have a few milliseconds of panicked shock.

Being caught off guard is really difficult because then I have to deal with all of my emotions that follow very quickly in order to stay friends. I go through the stages of grief because this child (and month) is not mine, and I only have about three seconds to do it: denialangerbargainingdepressionacceptanceCONGRATULATIONS! That's it. That's the time I have. If I am not congratulating and hugging and happy immediately, it's awkward. Because that's the expected response, and even though I am an anomaly, I still need to outwardly maintain my normal. And I really am happy for you. Kind of. But when I disappear for a few days (or weeks or months) don't take it personally. I just need time to deal with your happy news later, on my own terms.

Let's be real now. What happens when I am alone later? I usually cry. I hate talking about this, but your news makes me sad. I will never tell you how much I struggle with your news. How many hours I spend contemplating my own life and my own plans. How much self-assessment I perform in hopes of coming up with a solution to this awful, empty feeling inside my chest. I feel like there must be something I'm doing wrong. There must be something I haven't tried. My body cannot do what yours does so (seemingly) effortlessly. I feel forgotten because God is not allowing me to fulfill this righteous desire. Motherhood happens in all species, all over the world. It is the most natural thing there is. And I can't make it happen for me. I feel like a failure for being unable to achieve this most natural state. And that anger goes in all directions. Even towards me for making you feel guilty about your happiness. I know that you don't want to tell me. I know that you dread it. And even though it's difficult for me to hear, I'm always so glad when you do tell me.

This is kind of how the other night went for us. I'd just heard the second pregnancy announcement, and we'd quickly made our exit. We got in the car and drove for about a half hour in silence. Josh is in an awkward position because he wants to comfort me, but he's also dealing with his own grief, which I will never completely understand either. We are in the same boat, but we are both completely alone. We tried making small talk in the beginning of the drive, but I was in too much shock still. I felt numb and empty. I wanted to be home by myself. I didn't want to talk or see anyone or even think. I just wanted to be alone.

Josh turned on the radio to a station we don't listen to often, and song after song I knew. So I started singing. Imagine Dragons. The White Stripes. Anything and everything to get out this empty, aching sadness that was starting to consume me. My life feels like a giant cycle of grief. Month after month. Pregnancy after pregnancy. The always negative test, announcing "not pregnant" as loud and painful as a blow horn. But I am still so full of hope for next time. Maybe next time will work. Maybe at the next appointment they'll figure out what's really wrong with me. My existence is made up of a string of maybes. And, suddenly, we are at my sister's house, pulling behind her SUV in  her driveway. Her own badge of the children she shuttles back and forth from school to the store and home again. And, just as suddenly, I can't go inside. Through her front window, I see her husband watching TV, and I don't want to talk to anyone. Josh asks if I just want to come home with him, but I can't. I know that there's nothing better for me there than endless hours of meaningless TV and solitude. He asks me how I'm feeling, and I tell him I need to quit. I can't do this anymore. Month after month of heartache is too hard. I tell him I feel lost. I am so lost. I am forgotten and insignificant and lost. God doesn't see me. He doesn't hear me. My happy ending is not coming. I want to disappear. I want to go for a walk and never come back. I want to get lost and leave my phone and all of the worries and cares of the world and just disappear. I understand why people fake their deaths. I want to fly to Hawaii and live on the beach with the meth heads. I think that at some point I even said that I would go and be a meth head. I just have to get out of here. I have to get away from all of these people who want me to be happy and hopeful when I just can't. I just want to sing at the top of my lungs and run faster than I can and make my body hurt as much as my heart does right now at this moment. I used to cut myself when I was in high school and wanted to make my body hurt. I used to have a gym membership in college for when I needed to make my body hurt. And right then, at that moment, I didn't have an outlet for all of the hurt. I needed to hurt so I wouldn't cry. But I did anyway. And Josh cried with me. And we re-re-re-reassessed our options for the millionth time. Of course I didn't want to quit. I want to be a mother more than anything in the world. He told me I could go to Hawaii if I needed to. He said he could figure everything out for us. I think he's scared he's losing me. I think I'm scared of losing me. Eventually that anger turned into "we need to be more aggressive with this," which turned into talk about money. So many couples get pregnant for free. Why should it be so freaking expensive for the rest of us? We've already spent hundreds of dollars, and we still don't have any answers. I still don't feel any closer to figuring all of this out. I guess I need to make money in order to make this happen. I felt resolved with the new determination to be more aggressive with our fertility options, and I went inside.

More or less, this same conversation happens every few months. There are often hours of body-wracking sobs and feeling like a total boob for needing my husband to hold and comfort me while I cry. We often get into arguments that last hours or even days. I'm sad and hurt and feel so much guilt over the years I spent trying not to get pregnant. I feel guilty for the depression that ensues, because I know that nobody is trying to hurt me. I know that if they knew the deep-rooted sadness that consumes me, they would feel guilty and bad about their pregnancy (and probably towards me), and I really believe that every baby is a happy miracle that should be celebrated.

Friends, family, I love you. I love your children. I love that your lives are progressing and that you're having babies and families. And if it can't happen to me right now, I'm so glad it can happen for you. If you give me a few days, I'll be in a better mood and won't have to force my enthusiasm for you because I'll be genuinely excited for you. Because, under these ugly feelings I have right now, I really am so so happy for you.

Every cycle, I have a couple of days when I feel completely hopeless, and then I start right back up to being hopeful again. I'm starting my Clomid today, and maybe that will fix my body this month. Who knows? I'm reserving some skeptical hope for this month and next month and the next. If Clomid doesn't work, we'll move to IUI or IVF. We will keep trying. I always wanted a summer baby, and maybe I'll still get my wish. Because here I am, a couple of days later, feeling kind of better again. I feel hope, and I feel almost worthwhile. I don't feel forgotten the way I did. I know God is still there. I hope he helps me out this month, but I know better than to feel entitled to blessings right now. I'm even excited and happy for my friends. Infertility sucks, but I hope you understand it a little bit better now. I know I don't.

Rest in Peace, Sweet Friend

When I moved in December, it was really hard on me. I'm now located almost an hour from my closest family member, I don't have money to do the things I like to do, and I've felt isolated and alone. It has also been a huge adjustment to move from the big city where I've been for the past eight years and go back to a small town.

Shortly after our move, I befriended the wives of a few of my husband's co-workers. These ladies were really nice to me, but they tended to gossip about pretty much everyone else. There was another co-worker's wife who I was explicitly told not to befriend because she was "creepy" and a "stalker." Well, what can I say? I'm a rebel.

A few weeks or months later (time kind of blurs when you're an adult), this "creepy" lady came to a girls' night out that I attended with some of the ladies in the town. And you know what? She was the friendliest out of all of the ladies there. She and I talked almost the whole time about all different kinds of things, and I really felt like we had a good relationship growing. We didn't exchange phone numbers, but I found her on Facebook not too long after, and I continued to be fond of her. She talked about more than the goings on of people in town. We talked about our pasts and how we both grew up in small towns, and how we've both adapted to being police officers' wives. We talked about hopes and dreams and the future. That night, I left with the distinct impression that I really liked this girl and that, against advice, we were going to be friends.

In April, I graduated college, and this girl sent me a sweet Facebook message congratulating me and saying that we really needed to go out some night to celebrate. I readily agreed, but we never got around to it. Life, as always, got in the way. Sometimes I wish it would just move over and let me actually live.

A few weeks ago, my mother was visiting and we went to watch my friend and her husband go skydiving. This was her husband's passion, and my friend had picked it up not too long before. She had quickly fallen in love with it, and she was training to jump on her own. I've always been too chicken to jump myself, but I thought my friend was so brave for learning how. My friend invited me to go hiking this summer with her and her adorable little boys. I love hiking, and I agreed that we should go. I really wish we had.

Yesterday, that beautiful, sweet, friendly girl passed away while skydiving with her husband. The more I learn about the accident, the worse it makes me feel. I wish we had gotten to do more together while my friend was here. I loved her genuine personality so much. I appreciated how friendly she was and how she always made me feel comfortable around her. I feel so sad for her family members left behind. I can't imagine what they're going through right now.

But you know what I don't feel bad about? I will never regret being friendly to that girl. I will never feel guilty for speaking too highly of her. I will never feel bad that I reached out and made a friend out of her. I wish we could have gotten to know each other better, but she was one of my favorite people here in my new town, and I'm really going to miss her. And I'm glad that I reached out and didn't listen when people told me not to be her friend. Because kindness always matters.

Friends, I know that there are people you're told not to like. I know that your "friends" have reasons to bully and talk badly about others. But if you're a leader and you make a friend out of that "creepy" girl who really isn't creepy at all, you'll never regret it. You never know what's going to happen to your friends or loved ones, so you might as well make the most of the time you have together. Reach out and be a friend to the ostracized. Be a companion to the lonely. Smile at the stranger. I have many things in my life that I regret, but one thing I never will is being kind to that sweet, smiling girl. Rest in peace, sweet friend.

I Dare You

I had a really cool experience at church on Sunday. It was such a brief, sweet moment, but it's stuck with me since, and I feel like I need to share it.

I'm LDS (Mormon), and our church meetings are split up into three, hour(ish) long segments. After the second block of church, I was walking to the chapel, behind my slow, 80(ish)-year-old visiting teacher, and I saw something that made me so happy.  A random little boy walked up to her and said, "You look really beautiful today!" I didn't get to see my visiting teacher's facial expression, but she gave that little boy's shoulders a squeeze and walked to the chapel with a bounce in her step that I hadn't noticed before. All because of a sweet little boy.

I don't completely understand why that simple act made me tear up, or why I'm tearing up right now writing it. I don't know why, but when I see children do such sweet, simple things, it really touches my heart. I felt the spirit more in that moment than at any other time on Sunday, or since. Seeing that Christ-like selfless love has been the best part of my week, and that little boy didn't even know I was watching.

I know there are other reasons why it's good to go to church (whatever church you attend), but sometimes I feel like it's what happens in the hallways that's more important than the lessons in the classrooms. Josh was working on Sunday and couldn't come to church with me, so I went and sat with that same sweet lady and her veteran husband and felt so much love for them. Kindness does funny things to people, but I think that, more than anything, it's contagious. Let's try to spread it this week. Let's hope everyone catches it.

Call your estranged relative. Forgive your parents. Try to have patience with your children or co-workers or fellow drivers on your daily commute. Do it willingly, with a smile and pure intentions. It'll make you feel so much better than screaming or harboring resentment or stewing it over. And that person you've forgiven/called/been patient with may not appreciate the full implications of what you're doing, but someone else might be watching, who may be touched by your actions anyway. Go make someone's week. I dare you.

How to Snag Mr. Right

Today for my May Challenge over at Story of My Life I'm going to teach you how to do something I'm good at. And, quite frankly, I think I'm pretty decent at finding a good husband. That's right! Today I'm going to let you in on the secret of how to find and marry Mr. Right. Single ladies everywhere, listen up! This post is for you.

1. Invest in yourself. True story. Graduate high school. Go to college. Figure out your spiritual beliefs. Get a gym membership. Develop interests and hobbies. Whether you love scrap booking, rock climbing, salsa dancing, or watching sci fi movies, let yourself do it and love it. And don't just have one hobby--have several that you genuinely enjoy. Learn about your hobbies. Commit to them. That way, when you go out and have a hard time striking up a conversation, you can impress your date with your computer hacking abilities or interesting facts about J. R. R. Tolkien. You can discuss that biology course you took two semesters ago or question those Nietzsche readings you had last week. Remember that Eleanor Roosevelt said: "Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people." Keep this in mind so that you can find your intellectual equal in a man. And keep that gym membership for when you need to work off your frustrations with males in the dating world.

2. Travel. I could go on for days about how awesome traveling is for every aspect of your life, but let's keep this relationship-based. When you travel, you develop a bigger sense of "normal." You understand that the Chinese food in America is completely different from the Chinese food in China. You know that racism can happen to any ethnicity and that there are ten times as many great people in the world as there are not-so-great people. You realize what's most important is the experience and that all you need for a month (or more) can totally fit into a suitcase. Travel gives you an open mind, a broader sense of culture, and a greater acceptance of new things. This can be intimidating to some guys, but you don't want to attract those ones anyway. Whether you keep your journeys stateside or you venture off into some unknown territory, make sure you travel.

3. Make a 5 year plan (that doesn't involve him). This might sound mean, but even if you're already dating someone, you should have a backup plan (that doesn't involve another guy). Your plan should be completely independent of your dating life. Whether you want to land your dream job, buy a house, or just survive college, you should have a plan for your future. Not only do guys love confident women who know what they want, but your future self will thank you for having a plan if Prince Charming doesn't show up during that time. Stock up your bank account for your big trip. Build up your credit for a new car. Get out of debt. Whatever you do, have a plan for your future.

4. Be social. Whether it's with a Bunco group, the girls from your book club, or a group of co-eds from your building, get out. Whether you're camping for the weekend, out to lunch with the ladies, or playing volleyball outside of your apartment building, go do it. You will have great experiences making friends and fun stories to tell while on your next date. You may meet your dreamboat while out, or you might just have a great time, but either way it's win-win. Don't neglect these friends who you meet during this time. These friends may last the rest of your life, so invest in them!

5. Go out with that guy. You know. The obnoxious guy from the back of the classroom who kind of makes you crazy. The one from your apartment building whom you seriously clash with. When he finally asks you out on the last day that he possibly can, say yes. You might be completely surprised by how sweet he is in a different setting. Your heart may melt at the way he interacts with your parents. If he makes you feel bad in any way, cut him loose. But at least give him a shot. He may be the one. And, in my opinion, any guy with the cajones to ask deserves a chance.

Remember, it's way easier to just marry ANY guy than to marry the RIGHT guy. It's easier to find a guy to marry than it is to find the man who will still make you see fireworks ten years later. Be patient. You want to marry a man who brings out your best self and who loves you just as you are. Never settle for someone who demeans you or makes you feel bad about yourself. Don't go with the loser who cheats on you or the guy who thinks it's funny to hurt you or overpower you. If NOBODY settled for those guys, maybe they would get the point that their behaviors are NEVER acceptable for ANYONE. You are an interesting, intelligent person who deserves a man who makes her feel like a princess. It's entirely possible that these suggestions won't make your one true love appear out of nowhere, but at least you'll have fun in the meantime. Remember that's what life's about.