Surprise Doctor's Appointment: Already Finding Answers

Today was a crazy day. I thought that Josh had a doctor's appointment this morning to figure out if his swimmers were swimming straight, so we were up and out the door by 8:00 AM (which is a pretty big deal when you're not used to getting up until around 9). Even though the appointment was supposed to be brief and just for Josh, I made sure I went with him for support. When I showed up, we checked in and sat in the waiting room. We were at a reproductive health clinic, and the news playing on the television was of a baby who had survived being flushed down the toilet in China... I definitely felt like they should have had some other news on, just because I felt so much anger and sadness over the story. (I mean, come on! If you don't want your perfectly healthy baby, just give him to me, how about?!) Anyway, we were called back quickly, and I was glad to get away from that sad story.

Then came the funny part. I learned that this appointment was actually for me. I thought we were just meeting for a quick appointment for Josh, and I didn't even have time to get nervous or anything. Josh and I answered lots of health questions, and I really liked the nurse who helped us. She was young and very friendly, and I felt comfortable with her right away. When the doctor arrived, we answered some more questions and found out that today was the perfect day of my cycle to have an ultrasound and see if I had any cysts. That was actually really exciting for me. I've never had an ultrasound before, and I was hoping that a glance at my insides would give me some answers and hope.

It's funny--even though I knew with complete certainty that I was not pregnant, I still hoped to see a little something swimming around in my uterus. Sadly (but obviously), that wasn't the case. We were able to see that my uterus is retroflexed (which I already knew from previous pap smears) and that I have a uterus and two ovaries. We looked at my ovaries to see how big they were and were able to count lots of healthy-looking eggs in both of them. That was seriously the coolest thing ever. I have been failing to get pregnant for such a long time (about 26 months) that it was good to see and know that I do have healthy body parts that are capable of working together to build my family. It gave me so much hope, just seeing my eggs and thinking that one day one of those little things is going to be my baby. I almost cried, but then I felt dumb and didn't. I mean, I'm not even pregnant. I felt like it would be silly to cry about seeing the earliest photos of my zygotes that may, one day, turn into my children. It's just .... weird.

After my emotional ultrasound, I got dressed again, and the doctor gave me some interesting news. Apparently one of my tests from last week was abnormal. My doctor from last week had promised she'd call and tell me herself if any of my blood tests weren't normal, but she hadn't. So I found out today instead. That kind of threw me for a loop. Apparently my thyroid levels were abnormal. The doctor explained that it's an autoimmune disorder and that my body is attacking my thyroid, causing it to be in the early stages of shutting down. I won't lie--I was a little freaked out about that, but suddenly it all made sense: the endless exhaustion, the ongoing depression, the weight gain, and maybe the infertility? Suddenly, instead of feeling bummed out about my failing thyroid, I felt empowered and validated that there was proof of why I've been feeling crappy for such a long time. There was a physical reason that we could pinpoint explaining why I feel the way I do. That was kind of awesome.

After the appointment, I made another appointment for next week to have a sonohysterogram, to check my fallopian tubes and make sure my eggs are getting from point A to point B. I'm a little nervous about that, but mostly because Josh won't be able to come to that one with me. We also scheduled a time for Josh to really go in and get a reading on his sperm count. The hospital we go to is actually funding a study right now, so his testing will be totally free. Josh is hoping that we'll find his testosterone levels are low so that he'll be able to go on a prescribed hormone stimulator. He had blood tests today to figure that out, so we should know soon if that's a factor.

Anyway, sorry if this is a boring post. I feel like today was really exciting because we are finally getting some answers. I'm starting on a high dosage of Levothyroxine Sodium tomorrow morning, and I should start feeling much better in a few weeks. I'm really hoping that adjusting my hormone levels will get me pregnant quickly, but even if I just stop feeling exhausted and depressed, that would be a great start for me. This was only my second doctor's appointment for fertility, and I'm already feeling more peace of mind than I've felt in the last two years. We are finally doing something about our infertility, and it feels so so good.

The Quest for Answers Begins!

After two years of trying to get pregnant, Joshua and I finally went to our first doctor's appointment today to figure out what's going on with us. (**Remember, we decided to wait that long because we didn't have health insurance for the last year. If you're trying to get pregnant and it's been over ONE year, it's usually recommended to visit the doctor at that point.)

Trying to get pregnant for two years is a LONG time, and it's definitely been a struggle for us to keep a positive attitude. There were many months when I felt like giving up, and have been days when I haven't felt like I could keep re-living the disappointment, but I know that when we finally do have our own family, it will be worth all of the stress and tears.

Anyway, I'm sure that's not the interesting part. Let's talk about the appointment! By the time I got to the clinic, I was a nervous wreck. I wasn't totally sure what to expect, and I was worried about what the doctor would say. I couldn't eat anything all morning, and Josh (sweetly) bought me a Big Gulp Dr. Pepper for the ride. Of course, I couldn't drink it with how nervous I was. I knew that if I drank caffeine I would just freak out with nervous energy and have to pee every five minutes of the appointment (caffeine ALWAYS does that to me!), so I just listened while Josh talked about his busy day on shift yesterday and all of the wild stuff that had happened. I'd already stayed up late into the night listening to these stories, but sometimes when you're married to a police officer, it's important to listen to their stories more than once. I tried to stay focused on what Josh was saying, but I couldn't keep my anxiety level down. When we finally got to the clinic, I was so glad I had my husband there because I wasn't sure where to go or what to do. He helped me find the main desk and check in and everything, and then we sat down in the waiting area. We'd showed up early, so we had to wait about twenty minutes before the nurse called "Brian" back... Of course, that's not my name, but I was the girl she was looking for.

My temperature was high, my weight was higher, and we made it into the exam room. I warned the nurse that I probably had high blood pressure because of my anxiety, but when she took it we found out that it was still nice and low. I was relieved. The nurse went through my medical history with me, and then a resident came in to help me before the doctor. The resident was very nice, and I tried to give her as thorough of information as I had. When the doctor finally came in, relief flushed over me. She was young, personable, and really listened to what we had to say. She sent me to the lab for a few tests and referred Josh to a doctor who specializes in male fertility (so we can get his swimmers tested too). She advised me to use Clearblue ovulation tests (she said those ones, specifically) for the next few months so that we can be sure I'm ovulating, and she told us we need to be doing the dirty deed more often! I loved my doctor! She made me feel validated and comforted and empowered.

I know it took me a long time to make this appointment, but I am so glad I did! Ladies, if you're struggling with fertility, go get yourself a doctor's appointment! I didn't get any real answers today, but just knowing that I'm finally DOING something about my situation makes me feel so much better than sitting around and waiting for pregnancy to just happen to me. I have been depressed about this situation for too long, and just having a doctor listen to my concerns and validate my opinions made me feel a million times better.

I'll find out the results of the blood work in a few days. I may not have answers right now, but I'm on my way to finding them. However this whole family thing ends up working out, I am so glad that I have so many wonderful friends and family members supporting me. Your texts, messages, comments, and calls helped me feel so much less alone going into this today. I appreciate all of you so much. My sweet husband was great today too! He distracted me, loved me, and reminded me why we're doing this. I don't know how I would ever be this strong without him. He's just really great!

Sorry I don't have more answers now, but we are one step closer to building our family. Wish us luck on the next leg of this journey!

I Dare You

I had a really cool experience at church on Sunday. It was such a brief, sweet moment, but it's stuck with me since, and I feel like I need to share it.

I'm LDS (Mormon), and our church meetings are split up into three, hour(ish) long segments. After the second block of church, I was walking to the chapel, behind my slow, 80(ish)-year-old visiting teacher, and I saw something that made me so happy.  A random little boy walked up to her and said, "You look really beautiful today!" I didn't get to see my visiting teacher's facial expression, but she gave that little boy's shoulders a squeeze and walked to the chapel with a bounce in her step that I hadn't noticed before. All because of a sweet little boy.

I don't completely understand why that simple act made me tear up, or why I'm tearing up right now writing it. I don't know why, but when I see children do such sweet, simple things, it really touches my heart. I felt the spirit more in that moment than at any other time on Sunday, or since. Seeing that Christ-like selfless love has been the best part of my week, and that little boy didn't even know I was watching.

I know there are other reasons why it's good to go to church (whatever church you attend), but sometimes I feel like it's what happens in the hallways that's more important than the lessons in the classrooms. Josh was working on Sunday and couldn't come to church with me, so I went and sat with that same sweet lady and her veteran husband and felt so much love for them. Kindness does funny things to people, but I think that, more than anything, it's contagious. Let's try to spread it this week. Let's hope everyone catches it.

Call your estranged relative. Forgive your parents. Try to have patience with your children or co-workers or fellow drivers on your daily commute. Do it willingly, with a smile and pure intentions. It'll make you feel so much better than screaming or harboring resentment or stewing it over. And that person you've forgiven/called/been patient with may not appreciate the full implications of what you're doing, but someone else might be watching, who may be touched by your actions anyway. Go make someone's week. I dare you.

Crossing Our Fingers, Crossing Our Toes

I have a big doctor's appointment on Wednesday, and I'm kind of freaking out.

Am I going to find out that I'm infertile?

Is my husband going to discover that he isn't producing enough swimmers?

Are we getting ourselves into years of expensive medical procedures?

What if the doctors can't find any problems and we're stuck back at square one? (That's my biggest fear right now, because that does happen.) Honestly, the lack of closure is what scares me the most right now. I can live with anything else... but I can't live without answers. I need to feel empowered about my reproductive health again.

I'm nervous about my relationship with my doctor. I haven't had a regular doctor in years, and the one I had as a child/teenager wasn't the greatest. I worry that I won't have an easy relationship with the doctor and that she and I won't be on the same page with my reproductive health and needs. I'm not super worried about this at the moment, but it is lingering at the back of my mind.

If we are infertile, I've always been supportive of adoptions. I almost adopted my niece a few years ago, and I would do it again in a heartbeat (for any child--not just my niece). If I find out that my husband and I won't be able to biologically parent children together, I'll be disappointed, but I will be glad to have closure. Unless you've been in my boat, it's impossible to know what kind of a stressor fertility problems can be. Closure is what I'm looking to get more than anything else right now. I mean, it'd be cool to get a baby too, but I'm open to the fact that my family may come together in a different way than I could have ever imagined.

I really hope that I'm going to find answers soon. I know that I'm only 24 and I'm young, but I've waited my entire life to be a mom, and I don't want to wait any longer than I have to.

Anyway, that's what's on my mind right now. I'm really excited for the closure that I hope this doctor's appointment will bring, and I hope that my fertility questions are answered quickly! I guess I will let the world know how Wednesday goes! And who knows? Maybe the doctor will tell me I'm already pregnant and just didn't know it (wouldn't that be great?)!

What I Miss

I have a confession to make: I was having a really difficult Mother's Day today. I had made plans to go hiking with my own mother a few days ago, and I seriously considered backing out so I could stay home and wallow in self-pity. Seriously, everything was going wrong earlier. My desk that I bought yesterday is still in its box, untouched, and I worry that I will never make the effort to put it together. Josh had to work (which I already knew, but I still didn't like). My shorts that fit me PERFECTLY last summer somehow shrunk during the winter and were too constricting when I put them on. I was trying to stay positive and receptive at church, but all I could really think of was all of the wonderful experiences I'm missing out on because I haven't been able to conceive a baby. Because SOMETHING hasn't been working between point A and point B, and we won't know what it is for at least another week and a half... So frustrating. Every topic at church was about mothers, which I totally understand, but I needed something else today. After church, when I got on Facebook, I had the opportunity to see that three of my friends had taken the opportunity today to announce that that are pregnant. (I swear, I really am SO happy for you guys. But I have to admit that I was feeling my face rubbed into the fact that you're ALL enjoying the exact same thing that I am dying to have right now.) Let's be honest, Mother's Day can be really difficult for those of us struggling to become mothers ourselves. Not just difficult. I lied. How about try depressing. Sad. Angry. Hurtful. Lonely. These were the thoughts going through my head today as I started my drive to meet up with my mom for our hike.

Thank goodness for loud music and a hot breeze blowing in through a car's open windows. Thank goodness for fast speed limits and cooperative traffic. Thank goodness for a full tank of gas and the smells of summer.

Our hike was fabulous. We trekked dry creek beds and let our hounds run free. We enjoyed sunshine and the heat of nearly summer as well as the cool shade provided by thousands of ancient trees. We talked and explored and sometimes lost ourselves in thought. We enjoyed a picnic lunch and then hiked some more. Lately, I've been feeling like just running away from everything. I've been so lost and I've felt so aimless that I've just wanted to take off. And my hike today totally took me back to being five years old, playing in the irrigation ditch in the woods on my parents' property. It reminded me of the long days I spent building dams, swinging from tree to tree, and playing in the glacial water, almost always alone.

You know what I really miss today? I miss feeling invincible. I miss being barefoot, running amok, and knowing exactly what I want out of life. I miss feeling like I could work hard enough and make anything happen that I wanted. I miss the feeling of complete control. I miss feeling empowered and important and directed. Because, these days, I really don't feel any of those things anymore. These days I just feel accomplished for leaving the house. These days I feel overwhelmed and frightened of what's to come. One thing I'm glad my younger self never knew is the fact that those feelings of control were a facade from the beginning. The older I grow, the more deeply I understand that. Is it the innocence I miss? Maybe. But mostly I miss thinking I ever knew anything at all. Because, in all honesty, the more I learn, the more I realize I don't know. Some days it's a nasty business, growing up.

(My beautiful mama and me. Her eyes really are that gorgeous!)

Ten Words

 
The prompt for my post today is: "Sell yourself in ten words or less." As wordy as I can be, I think I can be concise enough to accomplish this. Here it goes!

1. Confident.
2. Intelligent.
3. Driven.
4. Funny.
5. Observant.
6. Empathetic.
7. Adventurous.
8. Loyal.
9. Stubborn.
10. Fierce.

That was kind of tough! If you could only use ten words to describe yourself, what would they be?

A Moment from My Thursday

Josh and I finally had the opportunity to meet our newest niece (Emersyn Fern) on Thursday. She may have been born three weeks early, but at only four days old, she is calm, happy, and perfect, and that's good because new mama needs to work on getting her blood pressure down.

We had a great chance to visit with Josh's sister and her husband and take a little peek at the life we're ready for. Only twelve more days until our own doctor's appointment to (hopefully) figure out what's up with our reproductive health. I'm so nervous but so excited to be one step closer to making my dream of being a mom a reality.

We took a bunch of pictures with Josh making silly faces, but this one was my favorite. Their hands are shaped the same. They have the same dimples on their knuckles. It was so neat to watch Josh fall in love with this little person instantly. I hate the idea that I may never have any babies of my own, but just in case, this little girl may be the closest thing Josh ever has to his own baby.

 

This moment is love. This moment is pure. This moment is full of happiness and perseverance and a little bit of heartbreak. This moment is life.