Crickets: The World Keeps on Spinning

It's been quiet around here lately. A little bit too quiet. Sorry about that. Among all of the traveling I've been doing this summer, it's rare when I'm even home, and forget about having time to think of witty things to write. I think I'm going to have a couple weeks of down time though, so maybe I'll write more. I guess it will depend on if I have anything exciting to say.

Honestly, I don't have much news right now. I'm just waiting, waiting. My life is watching the second hand tick on the clock, literally watching time pass before my eyes. What else can I do? I'm still in limbo. I'm still in a standoff with my body--refusing to believe the fact that it may never carry children. I'm stubborn in my beliefs, and my body is stubborn in hers. Our guns are each pointed at each other, and I keep hoping she'll lower hers and surrender. I hope we can come to some sort of compromise, but it will just depend on what she wants, I guess. I'm always at her mercy. I'm sure I've said it all before. I've been dreaming about having babies of my own since I was probably eight years old, and yet I'm nearing twenty-five and have nothing of that sort to show for myself. In Jack White's famous words, "Oh well, oh well, oh well."

On the bright side, I'll find out in a few short days if I'll be needing Clomid this next month. Which also means that I'll find out soon if this last month stuck. We'll see. I analyze my symptoms each month in hopes that some telltale sign will manifest itself, praying that this will be my month. Each month, I start calculating due dates and other exciting dates and times, and I really feel like this month would be completely perfect. April would be a great time to have a baby! Josh will be finishing school, and who knows what exciting adventures will be in store for us then? Parenthood would be pretty cool. And, until then, I'm not taking any extra tests. I'm not hyping myself up and convincing myself that this is my month. Because, while it really could be, it's entirely possible that it is not. (Honestly, I'll probably finish this post and go take a test, because I have NO self-control. Let's be real here!)

As I'm sure everyone in the English-speaking world already knows, the Duchess of Cambridge, Kate, from William and Kate, gave birth to a baby boy today. On some Facebook groups that I follow, administrators were asking what infertile women were doing to keep their minds off of the news, and it got me really thinking. Why shouldn't be we happy to celebrate the exciting news of others? There is no rule that says that because one person had a baby that I won't or that others struggling never will. There's no shortage of little souls waiting to be sent to families. I know that such a public excitement over a baby could be upsetting to some, but why? Why don't we all focus on the positives in the world instead of worrying about our own little corners of negativity? I'm so happy for the royal family! What a wonderful thing! Babies are always blessings, and they always deserve celebration.

I'm holding my breath right now. My two week wait is coming to an end, and I'm hopeful in a way I've been hopeful 25 other times, but different and unique because this month I'm sure I did it right, the same way I've been certain so many other times. I'm not sure what to say or do at this point, because I'm too busy crossing my fingers and accepting the fact that I've done all I can this month. And the world is watching England right now, eagerly anticipating more baby news, and I'm still holding my breath while the crickets chirp and I wait for news of my own. I'm breaking my silence, but I don't have anything to say, yet. I don't know why they call it a "waiting game." It's really not fun for anyone.

What Next?

Hello, world. I have spent the past three weeks traveling (nearly) nonstop, vacationing with my favorite people, daydreaming about tomorrow, and soaking in every moment of my present. I know in my heart that children would complete my family in a way nothing else ever will, but I still savor my moments of silence and peace here in the present. I mean, if I learn nothing else from this infertility, I have certainly learned that my current state of quiet childlessness is temporary, and it will one day soon (I hope) be transformed into something more fulfilling but also louder, busier, and shriller. As you may know, I am a quiet person, and I require occasional evenings of silent solitude in order to re-charge. One day those moments will be rushed and stolen and I'll probably wonder what on earth I was ever thinking in voluntarily inviting the chaos of children into my home. Some brief moments, I'll probably be ungrateful, but then I'll remember these years of perpetual emptiness and heartache and I'll know it's worth it. At least, that's how I imagine it will be.

So, this is the month. Next cycle is the cycle. We have filled our prescription for Clomid, and Josh and I are eagerly counting down the days until we can begin. I visited my doctor for my most recent appointment on Cycle Day 4, and I can't start my prescription until my next Cycle's Day 3, so this is going to be a looooong month. My mind is pacing. My imagination is going crazy with all of the possibilities of what could happen. Twins aren't as scary as they once were. And the concept that this is finally (maybe) going to happen is making me feel hopeful and happier than I want to admit. Yeah, I'm guarded. I've been on this train for two and a half years. I'm not exactly going to allow myself to get excited just yet. Staying skeptical is what keeps me from having my heart crushed month after month, so skeptical I will remain. But secretly, deep down, I'm so excited.

That's what's been happening here. I won't have any answers until August, but I'll keep taking my thyroid medicine, taking my temperature, peeing on ovulation sticks, and trying to have intimate time with my husband more often so that my doctors won't yell at me next time I visit. Maybe one of these months, all of the trying will work. A girl can always hope, right? Wish me luck! This girl is back to vacationing!

A Course of Action

Hi loves! Have I mentioned lately how much your support means to me? Because it means a whole lot! I am so glad I decided to share our infertility journey on this blog. Every time I post, I receive so much wonderful support, and it feels great to know that we have so many people behind us.

Silently struggling with infertility may be one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. The blatant judgement I received from people who thought they knew what was going on was really difficult. So many "friends" and family members assumed that we just didn't like children or that we didn't want them, and they often said hurtful things when trying to convince us that we should have a family. (Not sure how saying insensitive things would make me change my mind if I didn't like children, but whatever.) I'm sure some of this was my own fault, since I should have just boldly admitted our struggle, but I didn't want anyone to know. I didn't want to have to share this pain, because pregnancy and babies should always be a good thing, and the topic of infertility is really awkward to bring up at family parties. I don't understand the suffering that goes with infertility or why this is my struggle, but it is. And I'm glad I decided to share it with you.

My endocrinologist wrote me back today and said that we have two options: progesterone treatment after ovulation or Clomid. (Sounds familiar, huh?) He said that he thinks that Clomid may be the right direction for us at this time. Say what?! I don't know exactly why, but Clomid totally freaks me out. Maybe it's the feeling that maybe this will finally happen, maybe it's the worry about multiples, or maybe it's the fear of success, but I am a little scared of Clomid! We're going to set up an appointment tomorrow to make a game plan, and I'm excited/nervous/freaked out about the whole thing, but I am so eager to find closure and get closer to starting my family.

It really wasn't that long ago that I was making our first appointment in hopes of figuring out our infertility woes. It was such a short time ago that I was still hoping we'd be able to conquer this silent beast on our own. But humbled and brave, I am ready to take our next step and figure out what's next. I just really hope this works.

Reclaiming My Life from Infertility

Another month has come and gone and I am still not pregnant. I'm still daydreaming about names and wondering what my little babes will one day look like, but my body is not cooperating, and I'm sure frustrated about it. I do have some news, though, and I believe I'm getting closer to having answers.

Infertility was never something I thought I would struggle with. I always knew it was a possibility, but I never really thought it would be such an ordeal. I was always told that trying to get pregnant would be the "fun" part, but trying so hard, month after month, isn't really that fun at all. It's so much more than just intimate time with my husband. It's tracking my temperature every single morning to chart my basal body temperature. It's peeing on a stick every morning to figure out if my body even ovulates at all. It's taking thyroid medication every single morning in hopes that my thyroid is my body's only problem. It's taking prenatal vitamins even though I doubt it will matter that I remembered them at all. It's timing everything and hoping and praying that one of these months I'll be pleasantly surprised with a miracle. So far that has not been my experience. I had a friend crassly comment on one of my blog entries that my writing should be more about the trying portion of getting pregnant. Um, hello. This is what my entire life is, right now. This is how I try. If you want to read about the physiological process of conception, there are plenty of websites that are all about it. I try to keep this page pretty PG. We're all adults here, and we know how this stuff works. So... yeah. (PS- telling me to "just relax" is belittling and won't fix anything. For the first year that Joshua and I tried to conceive, I was very easygoing about the entire thing. I only started getting so anal about tracking when I knew there was a problem, over a year into trying. Tracking everything makes my doctor's appointments go easier and helps them and me see patterns and identify what's really happening with my body.)

Whew. Sorry about that tangent.

I had a couple of blood tests done last week, and I was pleasantly surprised with how awesome my phlebotomist was. She got the angle just right on my vein and my blood flowed right out! I had very minimal bruising, and my blood came out much faster than at my other blood draws. I was really stoked about it and haven't stopped gushing about her. My thyroid levels were checked to figure out if my medication was working, and my progesterone levels were checked too. Then I had the unpleasant task of waiting for my results...

It's funny, because I'd been waiting for weeks for Josh's results of his semen analysis, and then I started getting all of my (and his) results all at once. Of course, Josh's results weren't interpreted for us, so I had to Google all of his numbers, but they all looked to be within the normal range. That was a little frustrating because now I know for sure that the problem is something with my body, but it could still be basically anything. So annoying.

The next day, I received my thyroid results, which were back to normal! Woohoo! I don't know if that will get me pregnant, but it will have me feeling better. In fact, I haven't noticed a huge change with my energy levels, but I am in a much better mood most of the time. Before going on Levothyroxine Sodium, I was very moody most of the time (hehe). I picked fights with my husband often and often felt and acted irrationally angry over small things. I don't know why I did those things. I don't feel so angry anymore, and I'm ashamed that I was upset as often as I was. I really don't understand hormones sometimes. Other than that, I don't feel much different with my medication. I do have an easier time waking up in the morning, so that's something. Other than that, I feel mostly the same as I did before.

After getting my thyroid results back, I was hopeful that everything was under control. Soon after, however, I received news that my progesterone levels weren't doing so hot. I really hadn't done a ton of research about low progesterone levels, so I began educating myself. The funny thing is that so many of the symptoms are things I've been experiencing. I hadn't even connected that my symptoms were linked to low progesterone levels. I'm not going to get into all of the symptoms (they are all over online), but as of right now I'm kind of at a loss as far as where to go from here. I wasn't expecting low progesterone. I was kind of just hoping that my thyroid was my only issue. At least we're figuring this out though, right?

My suspicion is that my body ovulates every month but that, after ovulation, it doesn't produce the amount of progesterone that it should. Because of tracking my temperature each day, I can see that my temperature dips and then rises, indicative of ovulation, but it doesn't stay as high as it should. This results in too thin of a lining of my uterus, making implantation impossible. So even if I am ovulating and Josh's sperm reaches my egg and fertilizes it, my body has nowhere to put it and discards it. If this is the case, hormone therapy might be my answer. I'll have to up my intake of progesterone after ovulation each month and hope that it's enough to sustain life. Then I will likely have to continue taking progesterone at least until the first trimester is over (because at that point the placenta creates progesterone of its own and won't need any outside help). I have read about people combining this type of hormone therapy with Clomid, but I'm not sure why, since Clomid can have side effects (such as thinning the lining of the uterus) that are the opposite of what I need. I wrote my doctor a message tonight, asking him where we go from here, and I'm looking forward to hearing back from him. I really don't know what to do at this point. I hope that progesterone medication will help me. If I can get pregnant that way, we'll have solved the puzzle of my infertility.

Either way, I'm done sitting around. I'm back to working out and eating healthier and not giving up on me. I've been too depressed for too long about this, putting my life on hold, waiting for the ever-evasive motherhoood to creep up on me, and I'm ready to take control of my life again. If I end up getting pregnant, that would be great. If I end up adopting, that would be wonderful. And if neither of those things end up happening? Well, I guess we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. In the meantime, I'm ready to reclaim my life back from infertility. I'm taking control and waking up from this dazed state. And it feels good.

Rest in Peace, Sweet Friend

When I moved in December, it was really hard on me. I'm now located almost an hour from my closest family member, I don't have money to do the things I like to do, and I've felt isolated and alone. It has also been a huge adjustment to move from the big city where I've been for the past eight years and go back to a small town.

Shortly after our move, I befriended the wives of a few of my husband's co-workers. These ladies were really nice to me, but they tended to gossip about pretty much everyone else. There was another co-worker's wife who I was explicitly told not to befriend because she was "creepy" and a "stalker." Well, what can I say? I'm a rebel.

A few weeks or months later (time kind of blurs when you're an adult), this "creepy" lady came to a girls' night out that I attended with some of the ladies in the town. And you know what? She was the friendliest out of all of the ladies there. She and I talked almost the whole time about all different kinds of things, and I really felt like we had a good relationship growing. We didn't exchange phone numbers, but I found her on Facebook not too long after, and I continued to be fond of her. She talked about more than the goings on of people in town. We talked about our pasts and how we both grew up in small towns, and how we've both adapted to being police officers' wives. We talked about hopes and dreams and the future. That night, I left with the distinct impression that I really liked this girl and that, against advice, we were going to be friends.

In April, I graduated college, and this girl sent me a sweet Facebook message congratulating me and saying that we really needed to go out some night to celebrate. I readily agreed, but we never got around to it. Life, as always, got in the way. Sometimes I wish it would just move over and let me actually live.

A few weeks ago, my mother was visiting and we went to watch my friend and her husband go skydiving. This was her husband's passion, and my friend had picked it up not too long before. She had quickly fallen in love with it, and she was training to jump on her own. I've always been too chicken to jump myself, but I thought my friend was so brave for learning how. My friend invited me to go hiking this summer with her and her adorable little boys. I love hiking, and I agreed that we should go. I really wish we had.

Yesterday, that beautiful, sweet, friendly girl passed away while skydiving with her husband. The more I learn about the accident, the worse it makes me feel. I wish we had gotten to do more together while my friend was here. I loved her genuine personality so much. I appreciated how friendly she was and how she always made me feel comfortable around her. I feel so sad for her family members left behind. I can't imagine what they're going through right now.

But you know what I don't feel bad about? I will never regret being friendly to that girl. I will never feel guilty for speaking too highly of her. I will never feel bad that I reached out and made a friend out of her. I wish we could have gotten to know each other better, but she was one of my favorite people here in my new town, and I'm really going to miss her. And I'm glad that I reached out and didn't listen when people told me not to be her friend. Because kindness always matters.

Friends, I know that there are people you're told not to like. I know that your "friends" have reasons to bully and talk badly about others. But if you're a leader and you make a friend out of that "creepy" girl who really isn't creepy at all, you'll never regret it. You never know what's going to happen to your friends or loved ones, so you might as well make the most of the time you have together. Reach out and be a friend to the ostracized. Be a companion to the lonely. Smile at the stranger. I have many things in my life that I regret, but one thing I never will is being kind to that sweet, smiling girl. Rest in peace, sweet friend.

New Blog Series: Hawaii

I have a confession to make: I freaking miss Hawaii every day, sometimes badly enough that I just want to run away and stay there forever. Seriously. I had some amazing, once in a lifetime experiences there. I need to go back. My plan with Josh was for him to work at the police department where we currently live for a few years and then move to Hawaii for a few years so that I'd finally be able to live out my dream of being in Hawaii for more than just a few months. But alas, sometimes you have to put your dreams aside and never move back to Hawaii... Sometimes my life breaks my heart a little bit. But that happens when you're married at 20 and playing the waiting game for a positive pregnancy test since turning 22. Waiting does things to people--changes them. Some days I feel like it hasn't done me any favors, but I know that's not true. It's really all about Josh's retirement plan options, and the fact that one of his plans won't transfer to different states. I don't really know how to work around it.

It kind of bums me out that I didn't really blog while I was there. I was having so many great experiences and really living, and it would have been really cool to share it. Of course, I didn't have a computer while I was in Hawaii (the last time), and before then blogging wasn't really a big thing, but it still makes me sad. So I've decided to write a series of blog posts about my favorite places and things in Hawaii. I'll talk about everything from favorite beaches to favorite tourist spots to TheBus, and everything in between. I'll key you in on information that was shared with me and all of my favorite things. This will primarily be about Oahu, since that's the island I've spent the most time on, but we can talk about Maui a little too. I'm really excited to start this series, so stay tuned for my future posts!

Fertile Myrtle??

Great news, folks! The doc has told me that based on their tests and my sonohysterogram yesterday, I am a fertile Myrtle! I won't lie--the sonohysterogram wasn't totally my favorite test, but it wasn't as bad as I'd imagined it either. There was a little cramping during the procedure, and I totally felt my uterus get full when they filled the balloon, but it wasn't so bad. Plus, I got to see my eggs again. :) I loved that! Josh had to work and wasn't able to make it to my appointment, and that was kind of a bummer, but my mom made it to hold my hand when I got scared. I was glad she was there--especially before the procedure started--because I was so nervous!

But now we are at a tricky spot. Because when Josh's semen analysis results come in, we will have one of two outcomes: either we have unexplained infertility (which has been my big fear all along), or Joshy's swimmers aren't working. If we have unexplained infertility, I'll start on Clomid to ensure I'm ovulating every month. Clomid is a little scary because it increases our chances of twins drastically. As many of you know, Josh's mom and aunt both ended up with Clomid twins, and my doctor's wife actually ended up with twins the same way. I mean, a lot of people end up with twins while on Clomid. I'm not totally against the idea, but I know it will be hard. My doctor said that I'll have a 20% chance of conceiving twins on Clomid (and a 1% chance of triplets), but I'm at the point where I'll accept the risks in order to get a baby in my belly! That having been said, twins could put me at higher risks for complications, and I'm hoping that the complications go downhill from here.

On the other hand, if our issue is with Josh's sperm, then (hopefully) we'll get pregnant after or during his treatments. Because of his low testosterone in his blood work, Josh has been prescribed with Clomid for his use. That's kind of crazy, right? I had never heard of Clomid helping with male fertility, but I guess it's becoming increasingly common. He's on (what I think is) a super low dosage where he takes half a pill every other day, and hopefully that will be all we need to get this show on the road.

Ideally, my hypothyroidism and Josh's low testosterone levels have been our only problems with conceiving. If that's the case, I'll be really excited. If not, we will keep testing and wait for answers. Friends, I want to stress that this road can go in many directions still. I'm trying to remain skeptical and a little distanced from this because knowing I'm fertile only covers half of the potential problems. Depending on Josh's results, we may only ever be able to become pregnant with IUI or IVF. Things are still totally up in the air. While I'm incredibly grateful for the news I've gotten so far, this process is potentially still far from over. I love and appreciate all of you and the concern you've had for what's going on with us, and I just want to remind you that when we have good news, WE WILL TELL YOU! I have been open about our struggle with fertility, and I'll be open about pregnancy too. At least that's my plan. It's been therapeutic to write out my feelings and share them, and I think it would be healthy to continue. So just remember, you don't need to ask us if we are pregnant. We will be telling everyone! However, it's hard to keep telling everyone we aren't. So please don't ask. Whenever and however we end up becoming parents, we will be sharing it with everyone. I promise.