Six Weeks in!

So, I'm six weeks into living healthier, and I am feeling great! I've already lost over ten pounds, and I'm hoping to lose about twenty more (though not before this challenge is over). My clothes fit better, I have more energy, and I'm all-around feeling better about life. I'll be honest, there are many days that I don't make it into my living room to work out (or the gym, or outside, or whatever), but even on those days, I'm drinking more water and consciously eating healthier than I ever have before. I mess up once in a while and eat sugar when I shouldn't or eat within three hours of bedtime, but mistakes are a beautiful part of humanity, and I'm okay with that.

In case you aren't familiar with the weight loss challenge I'm currently participating in, go here to learn more about it. If you've decided to follow along and join in, how is that going for you? I know I'm only a third of my way to my goal, but I'm so glad I'm doing this! Anyway, I just wanted to check in and let the world know that I'm still breathing. In fact, life is pretty great over here. :)

Making Changes and Getting Healthy

For the past two weeks, I've been participating with a large group of police wives in a weight loss/get healthy program. Because I've been seeing results with it pretty quickly, I thought it best to share it in hopes that it helps someone else in my shoes (about 30 pounds overweight, unexplained infertility, and generally not really healthy).

Here are the rules:

1. No sugar. This is a big one. No desserts. No sugary drinks. No candy. Nothing of the sort. If you like, you can have one sugar day per week for which you won't be penalized, but other than that, no sugar. This is the hardest for me because I love ice cream, but whatever. I can still get my ice cream fix once a week, so I guess it isn't so bad.

2. No eating after 9:00 or within three hours of bedtime. This has ended all of my late-night snacking. It was so hard at first, but since I've been working it's gotten much easier since I'm not home alone as often. This limits my calories dramatically, since I was often eating dinner late and/or requesting mint chocolate chip milkshakes from our local fast food restaurants at all hours. No more of that!

3. Drink, drink drink! The goal is to consume 64 oz of water every day. Some days this seems like a lot, and other days it's not enough. If I'm not drinking anything else, it's not as big of a deal, but when I fill up on milk, juice, or diet sodas (which I hardly EVER do!), I have a hard time making this goal. In fact, here I am at 10:00 PM, and I still have about 32 oz to go. I'm definitely going to be getting up frequently tonight. Oh well. Serves me right for not drinking water all day!

4. Three vegetables and two fruits every day. Or substitute vegetables for fruit and eat all five servings of vegetables for faster weight loss. This can be hard if you're filling up on junk food or too many carbs, but it's definitely achievable. I won't lie and say I was able to do this every day, but I try!

5. Sweat! Work out for 45 minutes at least 5 times per week. This one is a struggle for me because my work schedule varies, and I don't have a lot of time some days. When I do work in the mornings, I'm able to hit the gym with my clients and get my sweat on before I'd normally even be awake. Working out in the morning helps with water consumption too, FYI.

6. Journal. I think this is just about being more aware of what we're putting into our bodies. It's been an eye-opener for me, and it definitely holds me more accountable when I'm keeping track of the food I'm eating. It makes it harder for me to "forget" that I didn't eat enough vegetables or whatever. It's also how I keep track of my water intake and exercise.

7. Contact. We get points for keeping in touch with the other ladies who are trying to lose weight with us! We need to get in touch with each other every day so we can hold each other accountable and help cheer each other on! I really like this part of the competition because we definitely help each other and have fun suggestions for workouts, healthy foods, and ways to get in shape.

8. Weekly weigh-in. I know, I know, nobody likes to look at the scale. At least nobody who's trying to lose weight. The only person who sees your number is the girl coordinating everything, and she doesn't post weights anywhere--just body fat percentages lost.

The way these rules work is that whoever loses the most weight wins $500, and the perfect points winners split the remaining $500 equally amongst themselves. Obviously we're trying to do this in a healthy way since we encourage all of these healthy habits. Someone who starves herself would win $500, but she wouldn't be able to sustain it, and what would be the point of that? We all just want to be healthier, and I think it's really cool that there are other ladies suffering from infertility who are participating too. We're all hoping that getting healthier will help our bodies work better and help us get closer to pregnancy. Even though I'm a month into my break from trying to get pregnant, we probably won't be going back for a bit. I've really been enjoying this break too much. We'll just see where things go, I guess! That's life, right? And whether I end up with twelve babies or none, life is so so good to me. Here's hoping I get back my body in six weeks!

Hanson: Best Concert of September

I've been to three concerts in the past eleven days. I know, I'm a wild woman. But the concert last night was so incredible that I had to write about it and why it was so much better than the other shows I've recently attended. But instead of jumping into last night, let's set this off in chronological order.

9/11: Rebelution "Good Vibes" Tour: To be fair, I went to this concert after a long day of flying on airplanes to travel to Maryland. I'd slept about four hours the night before and maybe for an hour or two during the jaunt between Denver and Washington D.C. and I felt exhausted before we even got to the show. However, I love Rebelution. I love their chill reggae music and the way I can just sit back and relax (or dance) while listening to them. They're probably my favorite reggae group, if I had to pick one.

Funny story about this show: my sister-in-law Alex and I were walking to Pier Six in Baltimore, where the show was located. We weren't totally sure we were walking in the right direction after parking the car, but it seemed as though there were others walking in our same general direction, so we were fairly sure of our course. In any case, there was a Jewish man in front of us, and since Matisyahu was opening for Rebelution, we thought that maybe the Jewish man was going to the show since he was walking the same way (I know, I know, that's generalizing things a bit, but whatever). Alex and I decided to follow the pair (there was also a tall, pale man with a shaved head walking with him), and we'd only been behind them for a minute or two when Alex realized that the tall bald man in front of us was Matisyahu! How exciting! I was wearing my Matisyahu t-shirt and everything, but I didn't believe Alex because I've never seen Matisyahu without hair. I've seen him both bearded and clean-shaven, but never bald. We were still walking behind these men, so I couldn't see their faces, but Alex was certain. She walked over to the tall man and told him that she recognized him and that we were big fans. All he quietly said was, "That's good" and didn't even turn around to look at me. He turned and walked away from us even more quickly than he'd been walking before. When Alex and I finally got through the gates, Matisyahu's companion came over and apologized, telling me that Matisyahu hadn't meant to be rude but that he'd been resting his voice for the show (he was due to go on in fifteen minutes). I told him I understood, but I'll never forget how cold he was compared to his lyrics about love and peace.

His show was good, as usual, and Alex and I still danced and had fun, but at the end of the show, I couldn't help but notice that the group who came onstage to dance during the last song had evolved from an eager bunch of Jewish children to a party of scantily dressed teenage girls, and I couldn't help but feel like Matisyahu has really sold out. By the time Rebelution was half-way through their set we were ready to be away from the giant crowd and away from the noise (our seats were next to the speakers and the music was TOO LOUD!). We went and sat on the water and listened to Rebelution's melodies from afar before leaving early to get dinner. It certainly wasn't Rebelution's fault we didn't have an amazing time, but Matisyahu had kind of killed our mood. The show was good, but if I get bored half-way through and want to leave, there's probably a problem.

9/13: Blue October "Sway" Tour: I've loved Blue October for a long time. I started listening to them back in high school, and they're one of the few bands that have aged well from my musical collection (in my opinion). We got to the concert a little late, but the opening band was really good. East coasters don't really rock out at concerts, but I did see a few dancing and jumping around, so I didn't feel as self-conscious about doing the same. The sound at this venue (The Fillmore in Silver Springs, Maryland) was spectacular. There was a perfect balance in the sound system between the music and vocals, and I didn't feel like my ear drums were going to burst because of the volume. This show was really fun. I loved the electric violin, and they played a few of the older songs that I knew and a few new ones that I grew to quickly love. This was an excellent show.

9/20: Hanson "Anthem" Tour: Holy crap. The opening band (Paul McDonald)? Amazing. He had a way of warming up the crowd that I've rarely seen. So many people were dancing from the beginning that it made it easy to be hyped about Hanson (if we weren't already)... I get it that this crowd would've been excited anyway because of the anticipation (I've never seen Hanson in concert, but I've been a fan since elementary school), but Paul McDonald blew us away. Then, obviously Hanson kicked butt. Like, seriously. They got us excited. They got us dancing. They got us to scream and sing and harmonize and jump just by asking. I haven't been in a crowd that passionate maybe ever. And they were nice. They were happy we were happy. They loved when we cheered. And they were grateful and humble. My mom, sister, and I waited outside of the show after the concert and had a chance to meet Zac. Oh my goodness. He was probably my first celebrity crush (ever), and I got a picture with him. He was sweet to my sister (who was so excited she was shaking), and he signed our cds. If we would've waited, I'm confident we could have gotten all of Hanson's autographs, but it was late and we were exhausted, so we left after meeting Zac. This concert was BY FAR the best and completely blew the other two away.

When Swimming Gets Too Tough

I'm currently doing a delicate dance--one full of complicated steps and twists and balance and poise. I'm dancing because my world is spinning. And if I don't just twirl along with it, who knows what will happen? I may stumble or fall or worse. There will DEFINITELY be tears. Dory from Finding Nemo says, "Just keep swimming," and that's what I'm doing. That's all I can do, some days. And when swimming gets too tough? I lie on my back and float. What else can you do?

This month was full of promise. It was supposed to be different. I had THREE eggs, mature and ready for fertilization. Maybe they did get fertilized? Maybe then something went wrong. Or maybe it just didn't work the same way it just hasn't worked for the past 2 1/2 years. Who knows? Without more thorough testing, my knowledge is limited and leaves much to be desired. The constant letdown is getting to me. This dance is becoming exhausting, tiresome. You can only sustain the facade of optimism for so long before the great shift happens and you feel too jaded to even hope. And losing hope is dangerous when that's all you have.

I have a feeling that the path of infertility has been mine, set in the pre-existence since before I was given this body. I think I sacrificed the countless babies I long to have because I wanted to help others with their own journeys. Like maybe I knew that they needed those little angels more than I did. I long for the day when it'll all make sense. I hope when I die that I'll have an opportunity to remember what this was all about. Because these empty arms and this aching heart just don't get it this month. I hope that when I can see the big picture, at the end of my story, I understand the point behind these years of trials. I really hope this story makes sense from the end.

I'm sorry to disappoint my family and friends, but this girl needs a break. The constant monitoring and worrying and documenting has to stop. I can't keep living this crazily obsessive way. I can't let my desire to become a mother consume my life any more than it already has. I can't maintain this intense obsession. I have no current way of achieving my goal of becoming pregnant, and I'm growing so weary from this long and intricate dance. I'm going to crash if I try to keep this up. I just can't do it right now.

I'll come back to this in a month or two. Instead of bookmarking this chapter, I may start it over completely. I need to get my body and mind healthier in the meantime. I've irrationally put myself on bed rest for the past nine months, hoping that if I didn't move around too much, a baby would stick. As a result, I've gained about 15 pounds and become more depressed than ever. My marriage has suffered. I haven't handled things well. And I think it's time to go back and repair the fragile foundation that is my marriage and my life. Because in the midst of things, my life and love have been neglected, and without repair now, they'll fall apart completely. I hope that makes sense from the outside. It's become glaringly apparent to me recently, and I can ignore it no longer.

Friends, family, I love you. This has been a difficult decision for us at this time, but it's one that I hope you'll respect. And please, for the love of Pete, don't tell me I'll get pregnant now because I've stopped trying. Don't bring it up, actually. I'd rather not talk about my grief right now. Instead, let's focus on Josh's promotion in the Army (that's right, I've got myself a STAFF SERGEANT now!), or let's talk about my path to becoming healthier (I'm planning on losing 30-40 pounds in the next few months). Let's discuss my new job (that I start in one short week) or my callings at church (I hold three!). I am so much more than the face of unexplained infertility. I am not destined to become a vessel of life right now, and that's okay. I'm at peace with that for the moment. Don't make me feel guilty about that. We'll come back to this issue when we're rested and we've got more resources. This is not a retreat--this is merely reinforcing our troops. We want to win this war against infertility, and we have to be facing it with a united front, as a team, and we can't do that if we aren't feeling the love.

I feel like the spinning is slowing down and under control now. This tricky dance will one day be mastered. In the meantime, I'm going to give myself a rest day so that I'll be stronger and more powerful than ever before.

Celebrating a Hero

It's been two weeks since I've posted anything on here! Can you believe it? I've started several posts, but I couldn't help but feel like all I was doing was complaining, so I decided against finishing them. The past two weeks have gone by so fast that it's hard to believe it. Josh went on a motorcycle trip and I went out of town, and then he started school so we've been making the hour-long-trek to Orem every day, and there's hardly been time for anything else. I got a new calling at church (I now have THREE), and I interviewed at a couple of jobs, so I've been busier than ever. And sometimes, while caught up in the obsessive details of infertility, it's good forget about it a little and be busy.

About a week ago, a Draper City law enforcement officer was randomly shot and killed, and Josh and I had the privilege of attending his funeral yesterday. It was really one of the most amazing services I've ever been to. It was held at the Maverik Center in West Valley City, and he was buried at a beautiful cemetery in Draper. The procession of police vehicles trailed all the way from the Maverik Center to the cemetery, with extra cars still in the parking lots at either end. Seeing all of the lights going gave me a sense of camaraderie within the law enforcement community that I've never felt before.

Many people between locations had pulled to the side of the road and stood, watching, as thousands of police vehicles drove past with their lights flashing. The citizens of Draper lined the streets, waving American flags and paying their respects in the ninety degree Utah heat. It made me feel incredibly sad for the police officers since it takes an officer shooting for people to remember that cops are people and that they do so much more than give tickets. When my honey is in his Army uniform, people walk up to him on a regular basis and thank him for his service, but when he's in his police uniform we have to worry about people spitting into our food. The badge makes us a target, whether we're in public or even at home. Seriously, the difference in the way that he's treated is completely shocking. The funeral was really difficult to sit through, but it made things almost okay, having my honey there. I can't help but feel guilty that I still have that luxury while that officer's wife and son do not. I'm always aware that there's a chance of something like this happening in Josh's line of work, but when it actually does happen, it's difficult to handle. It's hard to let my honey go to work, knowing there are people out there who hate him enough to kill him in cold blood. It's hard knowing that there are countless families who have lost their loved ones in the line of duty. If this video doesn't choke you up, then I don't know what will. I'm including some pictures of the services:

 

 

 

Fancy Meeting You Here

Oh, hey amigos. Not pregnant this month. Not broken this month either. It's funny how some months are so much harder than others. This month is easier, though I'm not sure why. This month is more about me kind of just loving life.

I'm loving the cool down Utah is currently experiencing, and I'm hopeful that autumn is just around the corner. So many things are about to change with my love returning to school and I'm actually feeling excited. More immediately, I'm about to have a lot of time on my hands while my honey goes on a motorcycle trip, and I'm looking forward for those stolen moments of my own. Is it bad that I love when he's gone so I can play? I'm setting up a job interview, a doctor's appointment, Bunko night, a camping trip, and a girls' day, all things that are so so good for my soul.

I've had double doses of friends and family this week, which makes my heart ache with happiness. I finished reading To Kill a Mockingbird for my first time today, and I am shocked I've never had the pleasure of such a wonderful read before. What a book! What great names and characters! What a great story! I loved it. I also had the privilege of playing with a young, orange, tiger-striped kitten today and petting every dog in our local animal shelter. I went to a football game and spent a few hours with my honey while he worked, and I gave him the okay to empty our bank account on BMW parts. Sigh. I love him anyway.

And now, I'm relaxing at home, picking apart the mascara in my eyelashes and listening to my dog chew her nails, so thankful for my crazy, unexpected, happy life. Sometimes it's okay to be content with the unexpected, and sometimes it's all right to be happy with how things are right now. Sometimes I'm guilty of looking forward to the future so much that I forget to embrace the present, and that's a shame because my life is really its own kind of wonderful. Happy Friday, friends.

Why Dogs Are the Greatest

Puppy Mollie, spring 2010

Mollie, spring 2013, in her trademark cocked-head pose

In case you don't know, I am the proud owner of a Moody-shepherd. What? You've never heard of one of those? Well, neither had I, before Mollie. In fact, I may have made up that breed... Mollie is a dog, but it's tough to name the exact breed because she has the traits of a couple. She has fur coloring and patterns like a Belgian Malinois with the face and webbed paws of a lab. For the longest time we thought she was just some kind of German Shepherd, and none of her vets knew what to make of her. We never sent in her DNA for testing because it's expensive, unnecessary, and less fun to know. We like the guessing part of her.

Today, at age 3 1/2, she weighs about 60 pounds. She stands about as tall as a lab and sports a big, friendly smile. She used to be a BUSY puppy who tore everything up and was too smart for her own good, but after turning 2, she mellowed out big time. She's so awesome that I decided to make a list of the reasons why she is great (which obviously translates to why dogs are the greatest). This is a good go-to list if you're considering adopting a dog or if you just love them and want to look at cute pictures.

Mollie, sharing in watching The Office's finale episode, CLEARLY respecting my space...

10. Mollie respects physical boundaries. I mean, she's a dog, so she's kind of annoying when she makes you pet her or shoves her freezing nose into your palm when it hangs off the bed, but she's not the type of dog who stands on top of you when you sit on the ground or tries to climb into your lap (usually). And if you tell her to go away, she will!

Hiking with my favorite girl! She loves the mountains as much as I do!

9. She keeps me company. Guess how fun it is to hang out at home for 11 hours a day while my husband works? It's actually really boring and really lonely, especially when going through fertility issues. Mollie will follow me around my house, wherever I go. Even if I'm just running to the bathroom, Mollie comes and curls up right outside of the door and waits for me to be done. She likes me and likes to be around me, and it makes me feel better knowing I have somebody around, even if it's "just" a dog.

Taking a shower with her dad since we don't have a tub

8. She listens. Did you know that Mollie taught herself the command "go to bed" on her own? She picked up from context clues that every night before Josh and I would go to bed (way back when she was about six months old) that we would stretch, turn off the TV, and say, "It's time for bed." One day, after Josh did that routine, we realized that Mollie went straight to her kennel. Laughing, we called her out and then told her to "go to bed," not exactly sure what she would do. We were completely amazed when she immediately returned to her kennel. She got crazy amounts of praise for that, and it quickly became a favorite trick to show our friends. Anyway, Mollie is super obedient, and I love it.

Mollie tolerating Bradley the Boxer, even though he's a wild, crazy, energetic puppy

7. Mollie is social. Have you ever been around a dog that just got along with everybody? That's Mollie. She smiles and makes friends with all different kinds of dogs and humans with ease. Because she's big (especially compared to little kids), little ones are typically timid with her, so she gently stands there or licks their hands. We had the daughter of a friend ask once why Mollie licked so nicely because she was so gentle. My niece and nephews love to take her by her leash and run her around their yard. She trots along so patiently and stops whenever they do. My 3-year-old nephew loves the idea of her but gets scared when he's got her leash, and she just stands there while he screams and runs away, his screams turning into laughter. She's kind of perfect.

 

Mollie, clearly loving being babied (note: extended claws to hold on better)

6. She's our baby substitute (for now). Remember how we've been trying for over 2 1/2 years to get pregnant and it hasn't even almost happened yet? There have been a lot of tears about that in our home. It's been a heartache that I would never wish on anyone. And having someone little who needs you when you're wrapped up in depression can sometimes help you snap out of it and remind you to think about somebody else (even if she's little and furry). Mollie fills the baby role in our home in many ways, and it's fun to baby her for now.

Livin' it up, ET style

5. Mollie's a conversation-starter. Know what people can relate to? Dogs. People who have and love dogs love to talk about what they love about them. Especially because of Mollie's obedience, lots of people ask us about our methods of training and what type of dog she is (since she's not a distinct breed). If you're wondering about training, we used Dan Sullivan's The Perfect Dog system, and it worked great for her. She hasn't had the training collar on in over two months, and she still listens nearly perfectly. Not everyone will agree with that method of training, but whatever. I see it as being a lot like parenting where different methods work for different types of children, and where it can be a touchy subject. Either way, it gets people talking, and we love making new friends.

Sunday nap style with the three amigos

4. She brings us together. Joshua and I have worked so hard to train Mollie to do her different tricks. I'm currently training her to close the door when she comes inside, and it's not easy. Whenever we master a trick, it's easy for Josh and I to look at each other with pride and recognize the hard work that went into training her. I think of this as kind of like parenting when you see your child apply the knowledge that you've taught it. So we have parental pride over our dog... whatever. We love her.

She's especially tough when in uniform

3. She alerts me to dangers. Ever been home alone and not heard when someone was at your door? I know I have! Whenever Mollie is inside with me, she barks anytime there's someone outside of our door. She doesn't do this in an annoying way, but she does it to alert me and to alert the "intruder" that she is there. It's pretty intimidating, and I wouldn't want to be the idiot who chose to cross her when she's in guard dog mode. Once when we lived in Provo, she alerted us when a gunshot victim had stumbled into the parking lot next to our house. Pretty crazy place, that Provo...

Just napping wherever she feels like it, since she's a dog

2. Mollie is way lower maintenance than a baby. She needs to be fed once or twice a day, her water dish needs to be filled every few days (we use a big bowl), and she needs to be let out to do her business every few hours. We walk her occasionally, but she gets tons of exercise playing outside with our landlords' bloodhound, Sweets. It's a pretty perfect setup. Also, if we need to leave, we don't have to find a babysitter for her (unless we'll be gone overnight), and it isn't illegal to lock her in a kennel, if needed.

 Accompanying me on a vacation to California's coast. She's so happy her shadow is smiling.

1. She gives me someone to love! It probably sounds dumb, but I have so much love in my heart, and sometimes I really just need to hug and kiss on someone. My husband isn't exactly the touchiest-feeliest kind of guy, so sometimes I need to love on someone else. Enter Mollie. Mollie loves my attention, and she even reciprocates it. And there's really nothing more satisfying than being away for a couple of days and having your pup cry in excitement to see you. Honestly, I love seeing Josh when I've been gone, but I get WAY more excited to love on Mollie when she's shaking with happiness. It's really the best feeling.

So, whether you already have a dog or you're thinking about getting one, consider these excellent reasons why they are so wonderful. Of course, there are many downsides to having dogs too, but the love and companionship you'll share will far outweigh any negatives. Sometimes I wonder if she's my guardian angel, as silly as that sounds. I love my Mollie, and I couldn't imagine how boring things would be without her.

Cuddling with her dad on the couch. I love that her ears are sticking up!

Because, honestly, who couldn't love that sweet face?

Do you agree with these ten reasons why dogs are the best? What do you think about dogs? Do you love them to death or think they're more trouble than they're worth?

Why You Should Be Happy Right Now!

I just wanted to take a moment right now to remind you of something terribly important. 

You are living. You are here right now, existing, soaking in light, metabolizing food, enjoying the soft glow of a screen. You are a breathing, intelligent person who can read. You could have been any of millions of different combinations of people, but you are you--beautiful, smart, and brave! Remember that humans are not incredibly fertile creatures (my RE told me so!), so it's simply a miracle that you exist. You are a miracle! Never forget that!

This is your life! You have this terrible/beautiful opportunity right now to make your mark on the world. You have a chance to leave your legacy behind--whether for good or bad. You have so much power at this moment in time! I once had a teacher who would always say, "Make it a good day to be you." You have that opportunity, right now, at this moment, and at every moment every day. You have the chance to make your life one that you can proudly look back at and think, "What a wild ride!"

You are an amazing creature, oozing with potential. Why don't you go and do something with it today? Today, right now, at this very moment, this is your sign. Get out there and leave your mark!

Ten Amazing Beaches on Oahu

Okay folks, remember my Hawaii series? It's finally happening! I'm going to write all about Hawaii. Today's topic is about beaching. I'm going to tell you about ten of my very favorite beaches on Oahu (and why) in no particular order (because all of Oahu is amazing, and every beach is my favorite). Remember, I've lived on Oahu twice, and for only 3-4 months at a time during the summer months. I LOVE it there, but I'm definitely no expert. These beaches are just some of my personal favorites.

10. Iroquois Point. I am partial to this beach because it is the beach right by where I lived two years ago. It's located on the south end of the island in Ewa Beach. It was well within walking distance from our townhouse, and it had lots of great amenities. I love that there are volleyball nets, pergolas, and beach chairs all already on the beach. This beach isn't my favorite for swimming because of heavy rocks and debris in the water, but it is one of my favorites for the cool things you can see. Iroquois Point is in a unique location, at the mouth of Pearl Harbor, and submarines, jets, and commercial airplanes pass by on a regular basis. From this beach, you can watch planes land at Honolulu International Airport, and you can also find random creatures on the shore. One day, my sister-in-law Alex and I saw a seal swim right up on shore, take a short break, and then swim away again. This is a cool beach to visit if you get a chance. This is NOT located near a bus stop, despite what people may say. It's a 2.5 mile walk from the North Road stop.

9. Shark's Cove. People are going to tell you about places to go snorkeling in Hawaii, but if they tell you to go to Hanauma Bay and don't mention Shark's Cove, they don't know what they're talking about. (Spoiler Alert: Hanauma Bay is overcrowded with tourists and is where I saw my first dead body...) Shark's Cove is located on the north shore of the island in Pupukea near a grocery store and across the street from Shark's Cove Grill (which serves DELICIOUS food, by the way). Despite the ominous name, I've never seen sharks at this location. This is, however, the perfect place to see a variety of brightly colored fish. Some people even SCUBA here, but I'm still too chicken to try that. Get there early to avoid crowds. Shark's Cove is located on the bus line.

8. Waikiki Beach. Everybody goes to this beach. It's the one in all the movies. Waikiki beach actually reminds me a lot of The Strip in Las Vegas. It's shiny and beautiful from afar but raunchy and drunk once you get closer. If you must visit this beach, don't do it on a weekend. Honestly, every day is busy down here, but if you're visiting when it's not peak season, it shouldn't be too crowded. Normally, however, finding a place to put your towel is a chore. There are many amenities provided here, which is probably why tourists like it so much. You can rent a surf board, stand up paddle board, boogie board, or get lessons for any of them. This beach is also located across the street from many high-end stores, so you can go shopping when your slippers (flip-flops) break. If you're on the bus, Waikiki Beach has many stops (because it's such a long strip of beach), but if you wait until you're nearer to the zoo, you'll have an easier time finding a less crowded part of the beach.

7. Waimea Bay. This beach rocks for a myriad of reasons, but mostly because of its rock. There is literally a giant rock located in this placid bay, and it's crazy fun to jump from. I'm sure people get hurt jumping here, but I've never actually seen that happen (and I've been there and jumped several times). Rumor has it that during the winter the waves here are phenomenal and that this is the location of multiple surf competitions during the winter months. I haven't seen that for myself, but I have played at this beach many times during the summer. There's also an expensive hike you can take in the canyon behind this beach, if you'd like to see a waterfall and swim in fresh water. Some people like that, but I think the bay is the best part. Waimea Bay is on the bus line (and parking there is atrocious, so the bus is the way to go if you can).

6. Pipeline/Sunset Beach. These two go together because (as far as I know) they are next door to each other and are nearly indistinguishable from one another. This beach is located on the north shore, east of Shark's Cove, and is one of my favorites. Even during the summer, the waves here are crazy high and will pound you into the sand if you're not careful. Obviously, during the winter this is where many surf competitions happen because of the famously high waves. This beach is good for swimming during the summer (if you're careful) and is great for watching the sunset during any season. As cliche as it sounds, there's a likely chance you will hear a ukelele playing while you're on this beach, just because you're in Hawaii and that's how it goes. Pipeline/Sunset Beach is on the bus line.

5. Kailua. Kailua Beach is located on the east side of the island in a rich area and has some of the most gorgeous scenery I have ever seen. People often have weddings right on the beach here because of the beauty. The white sandy beaches and turquoise water are a perfect combination. I've only been here once or twice, but I'll never forget the beauty. I'm fairly positive Kailua Beach is not on the bus line.

4. Waimanalo. Don't worry, but this is where Alex and I saw a shark. I'm pretty sure it was just a little reef shark, but it was swimming in a wave behind us and I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't scared anyway! Waimanalo is located just south of Kailua and also offers lovely scenery. Lots of people do professional photos from this beach, and it is not located near the bus line (but it's totally worth the hike).

3. Electric Beach/Tracks Beach. It's usually locals who call this beach Tracks Beach and it's usually tourists who I've heard call it Electric Beach, but it is the same either way. This beach is located on the west side of the island, just north of Ko'olina, and is across the street from the electric plant. (You'll know the power plant when you see it.) There are train tracks that you have to cross to get to this beach, which is why it's sometimes called Tracks Beach. Pictures you take on this beach are really cool because of the dry mountains and the smoke stacks in the background. There is a pipe that leads from the electric plant out into the ocean, attracting all kinds of wildlife. This is a popular spot to see whales during their migration season in the winter months and porpoises (dolphins) year-round. Seals frequent this beach as well, and so do sea turtles. The swimming would be great at this beach because of the size of the waves, but there are lots of big rocks in the water, making swimming painful. Many people snorkel and SCUBA in this area, and there's rumor of a Tiger Shark who frequents this area, probably preying on the wildlife that's attracted to the hot water pipe. Be careful, as always! This beach is located on the bus line. If riding the bus, get off at the power plant.

2. Dillingham Airfield. This is the place to see turtles! There's a popular beach for turtles closer to Shark's Cove that is also great, but this one is secluded (because no one knows about it) and still full of turtles! Dillingham Airfield isn't exactly the beach's name, but the beach is located across the street from the airfield. This is where people skydive on Oahu, and the parking lot isn't super close to where you'll actually see the turtles. You have to hike east and travel across a field and hill to get to the right spot. But if you can find it, this beach is perfect for sitting on and watching turtles. Remember that sea turtles are protected and should never be touched. If you see one in the water or on the beach, make sure you give it space to do its own thing. Honestly, I don't think this beach is on the bus line, but I'm not sure. It's on the north shore of the island but is almost as far west as you can go before the road ends.

1. Pounders Beach. This is my favorite beach on the whole entire island, located in Laie on the northeast side of the island. The waves here are spectacular. This is the best place to body surf on the island (in my opinion). There isn't debris hitting your ankles, there are lots of other people there (but not too many, because it's on the north shore), and the area is gorgeous. My one complaint about my favorite beach is that I always seem to get stung by Portuguese man-of-wars while swimming here. A Portuguese man-of-war is kind of like a tiny dark blue jellyfish, and it has tentacles that sting you when they touch you. I hear that they can grow to be quite large, but the ones on Pounders Beach are typically small. In any case, they're painful and can ruin a beach day really quickly. If you scope out the beach ahead of time and check out the sand to see if there are any tiny jelly-filled-creatures, you'll be able to determine your chances of being stung (and they CAN sting you while on the beach, so tread lightly). As far as I know, the tentacles on the little guys aren't going to kill you or anything, but they leave red bumps where they touch you, and they manage to sting and itch at the same time. Your skin will feel hot (because it's been POISONED), but it goes away within a few hours to a couple of days. Other than the stupid man-of-wars, I think that Pounders Beach is the best beach in all of Oahu. There's even a bus stop right at the beach, so you don't have to walk far to see this cool place.

I hope you've enjoyed the first installation of my Hawaii Series. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't totally homesick for the island, but what can you do? Maybe the money fairy will visit me soon and I'll be able to visit again. My love affair with Hawaii is intense and will never end.

Have you visited an awesome beach you want to tell me about? Have you been to Oahu and seen another beach that should be on this list? Let me know in the comments, and I'll add others if I agree with you!

Forgetting about the Two-Week-Wait

Oh, friends, this is my favorite time of the month. This time of the month is so full of hope. It's so full of potential. Anything can happen, at this point. I've done everything I can to cook up a baby, and now I have a chance to relax and let it marinade in water and prenatals for the next couple of weeks while I wait for a missed period. Ah, this is the life. ;) If you would have told me five years ago that this would be my life, I would have laughed. I would have told you that I went to college for a reason and that I would surely have written a book at least by now. But alas, my book is still in the planning stages, and is turning into multiple books the more I look at it. My life is so transformed it's nearly unrecognizable from what it once was. But it's totally in a good way, and that's not the point today.

 

This time of the month is also my least favorite. I have zero control anymore. I can't try any harder to make a baby stick. I can't take any special medications or do any crazy exercises or anything else in hopes that a baby will head my way. I'm helpless. I'm staring at the calendar, praying, calculating due dates, and doing my very best yoga breathing in hopes that all of this positive energy will focus into my uterus and make some magic happen. I have a love/hate relationship with the infamous two-week-wait.

What's a two-week-wait, you say? Well, it's the weeks following ovulation when you can only wait to see that magnificent second line appear on a pregnancy test. Of course, you can't take the tests at this point, because it's far too early to detect any HCG anyway, and it wouldn't make any sense to be crushed when it's impossible to know anyway. So, we wait, vacillating between blind faith and the possibility of failure. It's a complicated dance.

If you're in my boat and need some suggestions to keep your mind off of the calendar during your two-week-wait, you're in luck! I've got several suggestions for you:

1. Travel. There's no easier way to lose track of time than to travel. The farther away, the better. If you can go off the grid and enjoy an electronics-free vacation, do it. You probably won't be harassed by well-meaning relatives and you'll get so lost in enjoying yourself that you won't have time to think about being stressed.

2. Media. If you're a reader like me, visit your local library and stock up. I can go through novels quickly, so I would probably invest in 10-15 books for this waiting period. If you're not a book lover, no worries! Find a series you love on Netflix and go crazy! I've been using this method for the past eight months, and I've seen some great shows. I personally loved Gossip Girl, Missing, Arrested Development, The Office, Parks & Recreation, How I Met Your Mother, New Girl, 30 Rock, and many others. I just started watching Breaking Bad tonight, and I'm already hooked after the first episode.

3. Grow something! Okay, this works for surviving infertility in general, but it definitely applies to this portion of it. Go plant a garden. Water it. Weed it, as needed. And watch that soil grow something. Fruits, vegetables, flowers, whatever, just plant it. You will be surprised at how therapeutic it is to remember that you can grow something, even if your body isn't where that something is growing. You'll feel more fertile and accomplished after a month of gardening than you'd think. Try it and find out!

4. Meditate. I am terrible at incorporating this one, but I've read from reputable sources that deep breathing boosts fertility. I took a semester-long Yoga course in 2010 and remember feeling so good after class each day. I'm going to start trying this one tonight when I go to bed. Deep breathing is so great anyway, as it clears your mind and supplies your brain with additional oxygen. It boosts your thinking and makes you feel better. If you're not sure how to do yoga breathing properly, look it up on YouTube, and I'm sure there are tutorial videos. If it's causing a loud sound from the back of your throat, you're probably doing it right.

5. Laugh. Do you have a friend who keeps you giggling all the time? Do you have a movie or TV show that always cracks you up? Now is a good time to revisit them. If you're laughing, you're happy. If you're happy, you aren't stressed out. And if you're anything like me, this two-week-wait sure can be stressful since you have no control anymore. Bring some humor into your life during this time. I promise you won't regret it.

That's all I've got for now, but if you need more ideas, let me know! I can help you out. With 2.5 years of this under my belt, I by no means consider myself a pro, but I'm happy to share what I do know. Do you have any additional ideas? Leave me a comment; I'd love to hear them!

Happy two-week-wait! And may the odds be ever in your favor!

Love is All You Need

Hi, world. As you may remember from a previous post, I've been reading a lot lately. Getting lost in fiction has helped me endure so many trials in my life that I'm honestly surprised I'd forgotten about it in the midst of my troubles. This week I read "Eleanor and Park," a love story about misfits and how their teenage romance is so much more than just a crush--it's their anchor during their tumultuous lives at home. The novel was great. There was cussing, but that doesn't really bother me. What really spoke to me was how ugly this girl's home life was and how her budding romance helped her cope. I've been there, girlfriend. Maybe not the same circumstances (okay, definitely NOT the same), but ugly and unstable nonetheless.

Sometimes I need love to help me cope too, in my current times. My doctor's appointment on Monday wasn't great. We had one good, mature egg, but we had been hoping for two. We need as many chances as we can get at this point for successful conception, and only having one egg to work with (when we haven't figured out what the problem is, exactly) makes it tougher for us to feel like maybe this will be the month. My doctor wrote me another prescription--a stronger prescription--of clomid for next month (making me feel double bad because that made me suspect he doesn't expect us to succeed this month). So, that was lame.

Because I have "unexplained" infertility, I still really have no answers. We aren't sure why my husband's healthy sperm and my healthy eggs aren't making the connection, and doctors are just as stumped as we are. It's really frustrating and was my biggest fear about going to a specialist. All I want is answers, but no one seems to have any. Maybe my egg will be super receptive this month and will work for some reason. My uterine lining is thick (sorry if that's TMI), meaning my progesterone levels are probably higher this month, so anything could happen. I'm cautiously optimistic, as I've taught myself to be after so many months of disappointment.

My point to this post is really to say that my Josh is my rock, and I am so grateful that I'm taking this journey with him. On our way to Island Park on Monday, we talked about fears and regrets and our worries, and it helped me remember how wonderful he truly is. I am so glad that I married the best guy I ever dated. The guy who opened doors for me and just LISTENED when I needed to talk. The guy who took me on adventures and was so passionate about me that I couldn't believe it. The guy who LITERALLY ended up I the ER one night after trying to impress me when we worked out together at the gym. That one. How did stupid, 19-year-old me know that he was absolutely perfect for me? How could I have known that five years later we would still be joking and laughing in bed until the wee hours of the morning and worrying more about each other than we do for ourselves? How could I possibly have been so wise? Because with all the doubts I have about decisions I have made, I never regret jumping feet first into love with my honey. I'm so content in my knowledge that even if Josh and I never end up with children for whatever reason, I'll still be with my perfect man who makes me happier than any other man ever could. That's really what I want to say today. He's great. As we figure out what's going on with us, I am so grateful he is by my side.

Autumn Love

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With August here, my favorite time of the year is finally coming: autumn! It really is the greatest. I love that it's still warm during the days but cool at night. I love that the leaves change colors and that I can dress in layers. I love the back to school sales and the smell of possibility contained in fresh notebooks (college ruled, the only way to go). I love the heavenly aroma of apple cider simmering on the stove, wafting scents of clove, cinnamon, and apple throughout my home. That smell is home. I love gray, rainy days and the leather boots that keep my feet warm and dry. I love wearing jackets and scarves and trying out the newest styles. During the years that I teach, I love decorating the classroom. I love creating name tags and organizing school supplies. I love memorizing the names on the class list so that I'll be able to remember them once I've put faces to them. During the years that I'm in school, I love preparing for the first day. I love buying new textbooks and backpacks. I love the blank slate that I'm given at the beginning of each semester, with the firm knowledge that I already have 100% in every class. I love my birthday and Halloween and Thanksgiving. I love every season, but fall really is my favorite!

Five years ago, when Josh and I were just dating, we started to get serious in the fall. Once, we went on a double date with his cousin and his now wife. We packed up a mattress in the back of another friend's truck and drove up the canyon in the early fall. We dragged the mattress and some blankets out to the edge of a reservoir and the four of us snuggled up with our significant others on the mattress. It was late at night, and we all quickly fell asleep. When I awoke, Joshua was lying next to me with his eyes open, staring up at the starry sky above us, and I asked him what he was doing. He said he had been listening to the coyotes howling around us. We stayed there, cuddled up, listening to coyotes and the gentle waves lapping the shore for a while longer and then packed up our things and drove back to our homes. To date, I feel like that was probably one of my favorite dates we ever went on.

This year, my awesome sister-in-law bought me tickets to come and see her in Maryland in September, so I'm going to get to experience that for a week too! The east coast is gorgeous in the fall. When I was back there two years ago, (time really flies!) the trees and wildlife in the area were my very favorite. My sister Alex and I would take the kids for walks every day so that we could be in the fresh air and sunshine with the boys. I can't wait to see Alex and Amanda and the boys! Hey world, in case you were wondering, this is exactly what I needed! I've been craving a vacation with friends, and I've been needing a change of scenery to keep my mind off of my own worries. This is perfect. I hope everyone gets the chance one day to have a great sister-in-law like mine who just knows when I need to come and see her. I am so so grateful for my friendship with that crazy, beautiful girl.

Fall doesn't always bring good things, but I always feel like it's a fresh start with the beginning of the school year. This is the first year in a long time that I am neither in school nor planning on attending, and I'm not sure if I'll be able to stick it out. Honestly, whether teaching or learning, school is one of my most favorite places in the world, and autumn is my favorite time to be there.

I'm excited about fall, but what are you excited about today? Comment! Let's talk about it!

All About Suicide

Three friends of my friends have killed themselves in the last week (that I know of). I didn't know any of these individuals personally, but my Facebook feed has been blowing up with statuses about them, and I can't help but wonder if nobody ever told them that they could make a different choice? I mean, I get it. I understand depression. We all get it. We all have struggles. Every person in this life goes through issues and has to resolve tough conflicts. And I would be lying if I said I had never thought that maybe it would just be better for it to end. But I stuck it out, and it gets better, I promise. If you're feeling low (or want to know what to say to someone who is), then read on.

1. You are not alone. I promise. Whatever struggle you're going through, someone has gone through that same struggle. No one will ever have your exact same circumstances, but people have been in your shoes. Your pain may be great, but remember that people do get through it. If you don't believe me, find a support group. You'll find people just like you who have gone through similar situations. Even if nobody else has? You know who always has? You guessed it: Jesus. (See my Easter post if you want to read about my great Jesus epiphany.) You can always find comfort in prayer, even if your situation doesn't immediately change. If you still feel alone sometimes, that's okay. Just remember that you really aren't.

2. This is temporary. This is the hardest one for me to remember when I'm going through hard times. One of the biggest struggles with infertility is the fact that trying to get pregnant can go on for the rest of my reproductive life. I have an aunt who tried to conceive for ten years before adopting her son. But it's daunting to think of it that way. Don't do that to yourself. If you feel that your current struggles are never going to end, it's not true. High school ends at graduation. Seasons transition. Jobs change. Injured hearts heal. The emotional turmoil of being a victim fades with time. Even PTSD lessens as time goes on. This current, temporary stage where you are right now won't last forever. It might seem like it right now, but eventually this part will end. Don't make a permanent decision based on these factors. Because, one day, you're going to feel happy again. You're going to be really glad you're still around. Time will allow that, no matter what. If you stick it out, that is. Because your issues will never be resolved if you don't stick around to see them through.

3. The world would not be better off without  you. I didn't mention death in the last list. When close family members or friends die, you might feel like you will never feel happiness again. That part of the pain is temporary, but you will always feel some grief, just not the way you do right now. Everyone deals with death differently, and I haven't personally lost anyone that close to me yet, but I have felt the pain of grief. You have felt it too. Remember that feeling. That awful realization that you will never see that person again? If you die, that's the same feeling that you will single-handedly cause everyone who knows you. Probably even people who don't really know you but can empathize with your loved ones. Nobody likes that feeling. Don't be a jerk and hurt everyone. Don't deprive this world of your laughter and love and joy that will come again. You don't know what lies in your future if you don't stay until the end. You have great things ahead of you, and you will affect far more people during your time on earth than you will ever know. Don't cut short your potential by ending your life before its time is up.

I used to have a friend in junior high who always talked about killing himself. It was negative attention-seeking behavior, and he may not ever have actually meant it, but I always took the time to talk to him about it anyway. It was exhausting to tell him every single week why his life was worth living, but I did it anyway because I was his friend and I cared about him. I knew he was struggling, so I always made an extra effort to say hi in the hallways and be friendly when he seemed lonely. Most of his depression stemmed back to girl troubles, so I made a point of being friendly with his girlfriend too. They didn't last, but he also didn't kill himself. A few years ago, I met up with this friend, and he thanked me. He told me that he would never forget how I had reached out to him when he was depressed. I know things could have ended differently and that they still wouldn't have been my fault, because this was my friend's decision to make, but I am so glad that I took the time to be his friend anyway. We don't really keep in touch anymore, but I know that he knows he could talk to me about anything and that I would just listen. Be that friend. Everyone needs someone to talk to.

If your friends or loved ones are struggling and they choose to tell you about it, listen. Don't argue or give them advice (unless they ask!), but be there. You can't fix all of your friends' problems, but you can let them know that they are loved and that you'll be there for them when they need you. In reality, people care less about having their problems solved than they do about having someone there for them.

If you're feeling suicidal, get help. Call your parents or a close friend. If you don't feel like you can talk to anyone you know, call a suicide hotline and talk to someone you don't know. Call 1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433) or 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255). Get help! Don't forget that you are loved. You are appreciated. You matter. This feeling is temporary, and it will pass!

#sorryimnotsorry & Meet Clomid

Hi friends. Part of me wants to apologize for my last post, but the other part of me genuinely feels like it's important for the world to see what happens behind closed doors. I hope that doesn't make me selfish. I think that the best part of success is the back story--the struggle--because that's why the success is even worth anything. My children that I have one day are going to know that they are precious, wanted, and beloved. And I honestly feel that the years I have spent waiting for them will be totally worth it one day. So, I hope I didn't offend anyone or hurt any feelings. Because I love you guys all a whole lot, and I'd never want you to feel like you aren't worthy of your happiness, because you are.

I'm over my pity party for now and 3/5 of the way through my Clomid for this month. From all of the potential side effects that Clomid has listed, the only one I'm really experiencing is random hot flashes.  I'm glad that's it, because I was already having a hard enough time this last week. Part of me is even grateful for the hot flashes because I know the Clomid is doing something. I still have to wait another week to even find anything out about it, but I'm stoked to see if it works.

If you're unfamiliar with Clomid, here's how it works: from day 3 through day 7 of your cycle, you take your prescribed dosage. Because this is my first month on it, I am taking the lowest dosage (50 mg). Prescriptions of Clomid start low and go up depending on your body's reaction to it. The hope is that it will stimulate your ovaries into producing more of their regular hormones, potentially causing your body to release more eggs during ovulation. This is where Clomid twins come from. As far as I know, there's about a 20% chance of having twins while on Clomid. The idea of twins freaks me out a little, but I would much rather end up with twins than no baby at all. On day 12 of your cycle, you're supposed to go back in to have an ultrasound with your doctor. I visit a Reproductive Endocrinologist who is a specialist in infertility, but I've heard of regular OBGYNs prescribing Clomid on a pretty regular basis. (If you're going this route, make sure you schedule an ultrasound so you don't end up with a baker's dozen in that oven.) I'll be going in to have my ultrasound for this cycle on August 5th, and at that appointment we will make a game plan for the following month, since we will be able to see what the Clomid has done so far. If my body has released too many eggs (which is indicative of too high of a dosage), I'll have to wait to conceive until next month so that I don't end up with a high-risk pregnancy and all of the other disadvantages of multiples. If my body hasn't released enough eggs (0-1), then I can still try to conceive this month, but it will be less likely to happen. Right now, our ideal number is 1-2 eggs. As usual, I'm guarded but optimistic. So, that's Clomid, in a nutshell.

I just wanted to give the world a little update and let you know I haven't totally gone off the deep end yet. I didn't leave my house for a few days, and I'm binge reading Mindy Kaling and Tina Fey's books, Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? (And Other Concerns) and Bossypants, respectively. These ladies are career-driven, hilarious, normal people who do a great job of distracting me of what's been going on here. My dog, Mollie, has also been a fabulous cuddle-buddy for the past few days, as usual. I totally love having a dog instead of a puppy. She's not hyper anymore, she's trained, and she understands the expectations we have of her in our home. Plus, she sleeps even more than I do. She's kind of perfect. Josh has also been great. I don't think I mentioned it, but he went on a midnight ice cream run for me last week and brought me home cupcakes for breakfast. (Those are my go-to comfort foods.) He's also been really sweet and doesn't mind if I just want to hang out and drive around with him while he's working. He's even humoring me and considering going on a vacation with me in January for our fifth anniversary. (Do it, do it!) Anyway, he's great. Also, I have a fabulous support group made up largely of friends and family members who have been wonderful in letting me know I'm not alone. This struggle feels super lonely at times, but I'm hanging in here (and learning lots about the world of comedy while I'm at it). Thank you to everyone who had a kind word to say and for keeping our little family in your prayers. I'll never know everyone who has prayed for us, but I do feel comforted, and we are continuing to move forward. Wish us luck for this month!

Understanding Infertility: the Shock of Pregnancy

Aunt Flo has been an unwelcome guest in my home once again. I'm horribly frustrated right now, especially because almost every good friend I have is currently expecting. Even friends who said it was my turn next. I guess they're starting to realize that I really can't control the fact that I am not getting pregnant. On the day that my "time of the month" began, I had two very good friends announce pregnancies to me within twenty four hours, and I won't lie--I didn't handle it well. I know I try to be positive on this page, and generally in life, but I'm going to be real today and discuss the raw emotions that come with infertility and how to deal with them. Because I honestly feel like the only thing worse than struggling with infertility is not understanding the struggle behind it.

When you announce to your infertile friends that you are expecting, there is a whirlwind of emotion that you bring. The first thing that pops into my head is complete shock. I know that pregnancy is typically more shocking for the people experiencing it, but I am always caught off guard about the whole pregnancy thing, especially when it's people who say they haven't been trying. Maybe I'll get used to it, but maybe not. It's always completely surprising when I hear the news, and I always have a few milliseconds of panicked shock.

Being caught off guard is really difficult because then I have to deal with all of my emotions that follow very quickly in order to stay friends. I go through the stages of grief because this child (and month) is not mine, and I only have about three seconds to do it: denialangerbargainingdepressionacceptanceCONGRATULATIONS! That's it. That's the time I have. If I am not congratulating and hugging and happy immediately, it's awkward. Because that's the expected response, and even though I am an anomaly, I still need to outwardly maintain my normal. And I really am happy for you. Kind of. But when I disappear for a few days (or weeks or months) don't take it personally. I just need time to deal with your happy news later, on my own terms.

Let's be real now. What happens when I am alone later? I usually cry. I hate talking about this, but your news makes me sad. I will never tell you how much I struggle with your news. How many hours I spend contemplating my own life and my own plans. How much self-assessment I perform in hopes of coming up with a solution to this awful, empty feeling inside my chest. I feel like there must be something I'm doing wrong. There must be something I haven't tried. My body cannot do what yours does so (seemingly) effortlessly. I feel forgotten because God is not allowing me to fulfill this righteous desire. Motherhood happens in all species, all over the world. It is the most natural thing there is. And I can't make it happen for me. I feel like a failure for being unable to achieve this most natural state. And that anger goes in all directions. Even towards me for making you feel guilty about your happiness. I know that you don't want to tell me. I know that you dread it. And even though it's difficult for me to hear, I'm always so glad when you do tell me.

This is kind of how the other night went for us. I'd just heard the second pregnancy announcement, and we'd quickly made our exit. We got in the car and drove for about a half hour in silence. Josh is in an awkward position because he wants to comfort me, but he's also dealing with his own grief, which I will never completely understand either. We are in the same boat, but we are both completely alone. We tried making small talk in the beginning of the drive, but I was in too much shock still. I felt numb and empty. I wanted to be home by myself. I didn't want to talk or see anyone or even think. I just wanted to be alone.

Josh turned on the radio to a station we don't listen to often, and song after song I knew. So I started singing. Imagine Dragons. The White Stripes. Anything and everything to get out this empty, aching sadness that was starting to consume me. My life feels like a giant cycle of grief. Month after month. Pregnancy after pregnancy. The always negative test, announcing "not pregnant" as loud and painful as a blow horn. But I am still so full of hope for next time. Maybe next time will work. Maybe at the next appointment they'll figure out what's really wrong with me. My existence is made up of a string of maybes. And, suddenly, we are at my sister's house, pulling behind her SUV in  her driveway. Her own badge of the children she shuttles back and forth from school to the store and home again. And, just as suddenly, I can't go inside. Through her front window, I see her husband watching TV, and I don't want to talk to anyone. Josh asks if I just want to come home with him, but I can't. I know that there's nothing better for me there than endless hours of meaningless TV and solitude. He asks me how I'm feeling, and I tell him I need to quit. I can't do this anymore. Month after month of heartache is too hard. I tell him I feel lost. I am so lost. I am forgotten and insignificant and lost. God doesn't see me. He doesn't hear me. My happy ending is not coming. I want to disappear. I want to go for a walk and never come back. I want to get lost and leave my phone and all of the worries and cares of the world and just disappear. I understand why people fake their deaths. I want to fly to Hawaii and live on the beach with the meth heads. I think that at some point I even said that I would go and be a meth head. I just have to get out of here. I have to get away from all of these people who want me to be happy and hopeful when I just can't. I just want to sing at the top of my lungs and run faster than I can and make my body hurt as much as my heart does right now at this moment. I used to cut myself when I was in high school and wanted to make my body hurt. I used to have a gym membership in college for when I needed to make my body hurt. And right then, at that moment, I didn't have an outlet for all of the hurt. I needed to hurt so I wouldn't cry. But I did anyway. And Josh cried with me. And we re-re-re-reassessed our options for the millionth time. Of course I didn't want to quit. I want to be a mother more than anything in the world. He told me I could go to Hawaii if I needed to. He said he could figure everything out for us. I think he's scared he's losing me. I think I'm scared of losing me. Eventually that anger turned into "we need to be more aggressive with this," which turned into talk about money. So many couples get pregnant for free. Why should it be so freaking expensive for the rest of us? We've already spent hundreds of dollars, and we still don't have any answers. I still don't feel any closer to figuring all of this out. I guess I need to make money in order to make this happen. I felt resolved with the new determination to be more aggressive with our fertility options, and I went inside.

More or less, this same conversation happens every few months. There are often hours of body-wracking sobs and feeling like a total boob for needing my husband to hold and comfort me while I cry. We often get into arguments that last hours or even days. I'm sad and hurt and feel so much guilt over the years I spent trying not to get pregnant. I feel guilty for the depression that ensues, because I know that nobody is trying to hurt me. I know that if they knew the deep-rooted sadness that consumes me, they would feel guilty and bad about their pregnancy (and probably towards me), and I really believe that every baby is a happy miracle that should be celebrated.

Friends, family, I love you. I love your children. I love that your lives are progressing and that you're having babies and families. And if it can't happen to me right now, I'm so glad it can happen for you. If you give me a few days, I'll be in a better mood and won't have to force my enthusiasm for you because I'll be genuinely excited for you. Because, under these ugly feelings I have right now, I really am so so happy for you.

Every cycle, I have a couple of days when I feel completely hopeless, and then I start right back up to being hopeful again. I'm starting my Clomid today, and maybe that will fix my body this month. Who knows? I'm reserving some skeptical hope for this month and next month and the next. If Clomid doesn't work, we'll move to IUI or IVF. We will keep trying. I always wanted a summer baby, and maybe I'll still get my wish. Because here I am, a couple of days later, feeling kind of better again. I feel hope, and I feel almost worthwhile. I don't feel forgotten the way I did. I know God is still there. I hope he helps me out this month, but I know better than to feel entitled to blessings right now. I'm even excited and happy for my friends. Infertility sucks, but I hope you understand it a little bit better now. I know I don't.